The Moonshift Lounge: Muses of a Mind Long Lost - Critiques?

[Inkeyu]

The Moonshift Lounge: Muses of a Mind Long Lost

It's a beautiful afternoon in Magistream and you are enjoying a nice stroll under a warm, still summer sun. The air is humid and full of the scent of the rain that had finished falling hours ago and so you are wearing your cutest sundress. Focusing on getting out of the balmy, you almost miss a tiny little shop set between two buildings, as if made in the slightly larger than normal alleyway between the other shops. Above the door reads "The Moonshift Lounge" in shimmering gold writing. You stop and stare at the little shop for a moment, curious. The front of the building is an interesting purple with a golden yellow door. Inside you can hear one person talking and laughing. Since it was the early afternoon and a comfortable 76 degrees you didn't think the store would be as empty as it seemed to be, but you step up to the door anyway. Taking a breath, you put your hand on the doorknob and turn it. The door clicks open and you step inside the cool building.

"Oh well HELOOO! I didn't think anybody would be coming with this lovely weather!" A young woman with mussed up, short, fiery hair says, stepping quickly towards you. "Here! Let me show you to your seat!" She said and before you could do anything, she puts her hand on your back and starts leading you to a table, pulling a chair out for you to sit in. "I'll be right back with some raspberry mango cookies and some hot tea or coacoa!" Before you can protest, off she goes again, disappearing behind a purple curtain.

Not wanting to be rude, you sit there patiently simply looking around the place. You see there are only about four tables with two or three chairs around each covered with purple table cloths, gold candles and vases of varying colored roses. As you look at the roses, you suddenly notice they all have a little dragon happily clinging to or sleeping in them. You giggle to yourself at this and continue looking around. It was a homey little place. And cool. You wondered what kind of shop it was because there were no wares to be sold. A variety of small statues sat on shelves, some odd looking pictures and scrolls line the walls, and a couple bamboo plants sit in corners.

Finally, the woman comes back, a huge tray filled with steaming cookies, a pair of shining clean empty glasses and a set of two large pitchers balanced in her arms. Setting them down on the table in front of you, and sitting herself in the seat, she poured herself half a glass of what had to be lemonade before saying "I wasn't sure which you'd prefer so I brought both lemonade and iced tea." Grabbing a cookie for herself, she smiles at you. "I'm Jackie. Nice to meet you!" She takes a bite before continuing. "Sho. Wfat wood you 'ike to 'ear firtht? (So. What would you like to hear first?)

1) Huh?

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"Huh? What are you talking about?" You say, picking up a cookie for yourself and taking a bite. The flavor of caramel fills your mouth first and as you chew, the fresh cooked apple pieces in the cookie crunch just enough. Taking a sip of milk, you listen to this strange lady explain.

"Oh. Well I guess you haven't heard then. This is a place of sharing writings. Most of the time, it's for me to share my own works with people, though sometimes I do hold open mike nights here for others to share their own works. If you want to know if there is an open mike night coming up, just check the bulletin board by the door. If there's one coming up, there will be a poster there. Also, that's where the rules and policy stuff is.

2) Poetry

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Picking up a cookie, you smile back at Jackie and say "I would like to hear some poetry if you don't mind." Taking a bite of the cookie, you listen to her list off the poem titles.

Knew You Once
If You Were Here
For Home
Done Feeling
Yule Log
For Home
Nightmare Webs
Nautalus Theory
Alive With You

3) Stories

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Greedily you take a cookie in each hand and take a bite of each, the warm goodness filling your mouth. Gulping the first bites down, you turn your gaze to Jackie and reply. "How about some more story/stories this time! I loved the last one you told me!" Taking a big gulp of milk and then two more bites of your dual-wielded cookies, you listen to her list off the titles of stories.

Aves Annon: Iirlys' Story
~ 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14+15, 16, 17, 18-20
~ Irilys Blackwing
~ Duke Arlimane Ratchetshire

Pastry Problems
~ 2, 3, 4, 5

The Wolf's Light
~ 2

Of Ruby and Scale: The Before
~ 2
~ Of Ruby and Scale: Aside - From the RP

The Discovery of the Hellunds
~ 2

The Midnight Faun and her Gancanagh Admirer
~ 2, 3
**Intellectual property of Avantcor Games LLC, authorized sneek-peek**

4) Make one!

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"Actually, I was hoping you could make one up for me." You say, taking a drink of the milk and grabbing a cookie.

"Of course! I LOVE making poems and stories for people! What would you like me to make?"
((See next post for forms and prices.))

5) Other/Random

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Taking a cookie in your hand, you look at Jackie contemplatively before replying. "Your odd musings and ramblings would be a nice change of pace this time I think." Taking a bite of cookie, chewing it slowly, savoring the flavor, you listen as she begins talking about all the thoughts that pop into her head.

Ignored
Tips For Life's Little Things 1
Tips For Life's Little Things 2
It's Interesting...
Domino's Tips
Things to do to Confuse People
Gulch Turkeys...Don't Ask.
Cosmic Observations

6) Goodbye!

Spoiler

Standing up, you pick up a couple cookies and smile back at Jackie. "Actually, I think I'll be headed out now. I have some things to do elsewhere. Perhaps another time?"

She stops eating her cookie and looks at you, smiling. "Ohhh alright. If you must. Though do come back to visit soon! Oh! And I heard they've got a new mall somewhere. Maybe we should go check it out together sometime!" She says, walking to the door with you. "Thanks for coming. See you soon!"

[Inkeyu]

This is the notice board! Below is the rules as well as advertisements for other shops, open mic nights, and other such nonsensical stuff!

Rules:

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1) Criticism is appreciated for my own work. Don't bash it, and don't criticize other peoples' works in this thread. If they give permission, PM the critiques of OTHER peoples' works to the people who posted it here.

2) Please DO NOT post your own works here UNLESS IT'S AN OPEN MIC NIGHT OR YOU ARE A GUEST ARTIST! Anything posted on a non-open mic night will be flagged for deletion. (I will ask you to delete it TWO times BEFORE flagging it via PM.)

3) If you want to do an anonymous thing for open mic night, send it to me in a PM instead of posting it here. I will not take credit for it, Anonymous (NOT the person, if there's someone with that name on here!) will. :3

4) Post when you read something. Please PLEase PLEASE don't forget to do this. THIS IS IMPORTANT. I need to know if my work is good because I will likely be using much of it for my book! It also helps so that more people will read it and hopefully critique as well! Thanks.

5) Enjoy! This is probably the MOST IMPORTANT RULE! If you don't enjoy yourself, that means my book won't do well, and I want it to succeed. Also, I just want people to have fun here.

Open Mic Night:

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None currently. :3

Guest Artist Schedule:

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Username: Yumiketi
Writing Type: poetry or story
Start date: 6/25
Regular Returning guest?: yes

Hirings: Currently FREE!

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This is stuff I will do if requested to. Be sure to fill out the appropriate form(s). Thanks.

Poem? (3 Stream Born pets per poem)

Code: Select all

POEM PLEASE!
Username: 
Subject: 
Payment: (what creatures are you trading for the poem?)
[size=15]I agree to the terms set out by Inkeyu for buying this piece of writing.[/size]

Story? (2 Stream Born pets per paragraph {no less than 5 lines. I won't count paragraphs that have less than 4 lines in it towards the cost.})

Code: Select all

STORY PLEASE!
Username: 
Subject: (however much you can/want to tell me)
Length: (approximate # of Paragraphs)
Payment: (creatures you're sending me)
[size=15]I agree to the terms set out by Inkeyu for buying this piece of writing.[/size]

Advertisements:
Please pm me about replacing this!!!

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^

Code: Select all

[url=http://tuaark.weebly.com/][img]https://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/t1.0-9/10407463_702407403154944_5455670440639646838_n.jpg[/img][/url]

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If you wish to advertise something here, please fill out the form below and PM it to Inkeyu.
The cost for keeping an advertisement here is currently; 1 Gold per week OR 250 Gold for FOREVER.

Advertising form;

Code: Select all

I WANT TO ADVERTISE!
Username: 
Banner Image: {{actual image AND link}}
Banner CODE: {{Put the CODE for the banner here}}
Weeks: {{how many weeks do you want me to keep your add?}}
Total Amount: 

You MUST send the trade for the gold almost IMMEDIATELY AFTER sending the PM. If you wish to pay in increments or creatures, please put a note about it in your PM and we will discuss it.

[/size]

[Inkeyu]

Here will be a list of posts done by other people for the open mic nights.

[Inkeyu]

To kick off the GRAND OPENING, I will write a poem!

Knew You Once

I knew you once when I was young
And I so quickly fell in love.
I was still in high school
And you were on your way
And I didn’t know anything.
You found me somewhere I
Couldn’t see
And you opened up the door to my cage
And out I flew.
It’s been a long time since we last talked
And you probably don’t want to hear from me now.
I just want you to know that since back then
Not a single day goes by
When you’re not once on my mind.
Because you set me free
Showed me my wings and helped me to see
All the things that were possible.
I wouldn’t be who I am now
If it weren’t for the things that I’ve been through
And because

I knew you once.

[Inkeyu]

Too often are things ignored that people consider small. Like a simple blade of grass. The stuff that grows wild. It took thousands of years for it to be able to survive where it grows now. It's ancestors had to go through a tropical heat and gigantic creatures always snacking on them, then a time of perpetual winter, to now with us digging up all it's neighbors and friends and family, and animals and us traipsing across them over and over and over again. And when I think about that, it is darn near impossible to keep myself from thinking along the same lines for everything. Birds, snakes, trees, people.

[Tidesweep]

To kick off the GRAND OPENING, I will write a poem!

Knew You Once

I knew you once when I was young
And I so quickly fell in love.
I was still in high school
And you were on your way
And I didn’t know anything.
You found me somewhere I
Couldn’t see
And you opened up the door to my cage
And out I flew.
It’s been a long time since we last talked
And you probably don’t want to hear from me now.
I just want you to know that since back then
Not a single day goes by
When you’re not once on my mind.
Because you set me free
Showed me my wings and helped me to see
All the things that were possible.
I wouldn’t be who I am now
If it weren’t for the things that I’ve been through
And because

I knew you once.

I like how you wrote this poem. To me it has a nice flow to it and it also sounds sort of sad.

[Inkeyu]

Thanks I'm glad you like it. If you like, I can write one for you.

[Inkeyu]

The sun has set on another day.
The last golden rays have faded away.
The painted clouds slide into the night.
The entire skyline, a beautiful sight.
But as the night starts anew,
I find I begin to think of you.
I sit here wondering how you are.
For from my thoughts, you’re never far.
The sunset is is so beautiful.
I feel no guilt, no doubt, no fear.

This moment would be perfect

If only you were here

[Inkeyu]

1) Brush your teeth with half of what you usually do first in warm/hot water and then in cold. It helps your teeth get whiter without spending a LOT of money.

2) Dove soap (bar) is one of the best cleansers for people who have acne problems and sensitive skin. (They have sensitive skin bars.)

3) Don't use sunscreen over 40 SPF without consulting your doctor. Anything higher than 50 can be just as harmful if not more so as/than straight sunlight due to the chemicals in it.

4) Don't eat the wheat bread at Subway. Just trust me. I used to work there, second only to the flatbread, the wheat is the least healthy for you.


More to come soon



These things are things that I have found to be helpful. Do not take my word as fact, I hold no responsibility for results of following these.

[Tidesweep]

1) Brush your teeth with half of what you usually do first in warm/hot water and then in cold. It helps your teeth get whiter without spending a LOT of money.

2) Dove soap (bar) is one of the best cleansers for people who have acne problems and sensitive skin. (They have sensitive skin bars.)

3) Don't use sunscreen over 40 SPF without consulting your doctor. Anything higher than 50 can be just as harmful if not more so as/than straight sunlight due to the chemicals in it.

4) Don't eat the wheat bread at Subway. Just trust me. I used to work there, second only to the flatbread, the wheat is the least healthy for you.


More to come soon



These things are things that I have found to be helpful. Do not take my word as fact, I hold no responsibility for results of following these.

Might have to try number 1 on this list. I don't eat a lot of wheat bread anyway...Which isn't exactly good to begin with