Wonders of Thedas (Dragon Age) Now with extra Poll!

[sammythethief]

Well, he's not wrong. Also, expressive, twitchy elf ears are my favourite.

My lust for Isabela is too great. Here I come, blood mage Garrett Hawke. You shall woo the lovely pirate. Let me live vicariously through you and your giant arms.

Or do I want a super shy fem mage for Anders? Or a saucy rogue for Anders? ALL OF THEM.

[Kyrare]

Dragon Age Origins in DAII
Made by rayvioletta from Bioware forums
Part 1

Spoiler

Pick your class: Male Human Noble Warrior,
Male Human Mage,
Male Human Noble Rogue,
Female Human Noble Warrior,
Female Human Mage
Female Human Noble Rogue

Game opens during the Battle of Ostagar. Helmeted Warden in gender and class appropriate armour is fighting alongside Alistair fighting wave after wave of Darkspawn as they approach the Tower of Ishal

Alistair: We have to reach the tower!
Warden: Yes, we must light the beacon so that the armies will know when to charge.
The two fight through a few dozen repetitive waves and enter the tower.

Alistair: We are Grey Wardens and it is our responsibility to fight Darkspawn!
Warden: Indeed.
The two fight through a few dozen more repetitive waves and get to the next floor which has the exact same layout as the ground floor.

Alistair: I hope Loghain charges when we light the beacon!
Warden: Should we put some more story in here?
Alistair: No, we need more generic repetitive combat against easily killed exploding enemies to hook the gamers attention, story will only bore and confuse them!

The two fight through a dozen more repetitive waves and get to the next floor which has the exact same layout as the previous floors.

The first wave includes an Ogre but oddly waves continue to spawn even after the boss dies in the first wave. Once the final wave is dead there's an animation of the Ogre dying (despite having done so some time ago) and then more Darkspawn run in.

Alistair: I thought we'd already killed all five billion waves!
Warden: Shush, this is a cut scene. Oh, I have been shot.

Varric: ...and then the Kings army were betrayed and instead of an epic cutscene showing all this I'll just tell you because we wouldn't want you getting too excited. Also because we spent all of our budget on... actually I don't rightly know where it all went. Wasn't the graphics if the background guys are anything to go by, certainly wasn't the maps...

If the Warden is a mage you get a brief cutscene of Wynne dying in the Battle of Ostagar. The player won't know who she is and won't care. If player is a warrior or rogue you see a brief cutscene of Oghren drunkenly stumbling off a bridge and into lava. The player won't know who he is and won't care.

Warden is unconscious on a bed, bandages around their head. Warden wakes up and begins to remove bandages.
CHARACTER CUSTOMISATION pops up

Varric: Actually now that I think about it, that implementation makes a lot more sense than DA2's did...

Morrigan: Oh good, you're awake.
Warden: Morrigan, the apostate wilder I met during a non-playable portion of the game! It is great to see you again.
Morrigan rivalry +10

Morrigan's robe is morrigan sacred ashes trailer robes by Raughnut

Morrigan: Mother and I have tended your wounds, your friend is outside crying.
Warden: Thank you.
Morrigan rivalry +10.
Alistair: It's you! I thought for sure you were dead! Loghain betrayed us and now...
Flemeth: Hold your tongue, that sounds dangerously like plot!
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: What? But she's not even here! And why would she care?
Alistair: Wait, wasn't that a flaw in Origins? Are we allowed to mock that when we're supposed to be parodying the sequel?
Morrigan rivalry +10
Flemeth: Take these treaties and go recruit the Elves, Dwarves and Mages to form an army. I'd explain in more detail but we've been almost five whole minutes without any combat.
Alistair: We should see Arl Eamon too...
Flemeth: Six whole minutes. And take Morrigan with you.
Warden (selecting "no"): We will not do so.
Flemeth: She will go with you anyway.
Warden: Ok then.

Warden, Alistair and Morrigan are on a path. we hope you enjoy this path because every other path in the game looks just like it. A dozen generic waves of Darkspawn attack and a Dog runs in
Warden: I saved a dog just like this back at Ostagar during a non-playable section of the game! It must be the same dog!
Alistair: What is his name?
ENTER DOGS NAME:
Warden: He is a dog and we will pretend I just told you his name even though none of us will ever mention it
A few dozen more generic waves of Darkspawn attack.

Morrigan: This is Lothering.
Alistair: We should go to Redcliffe and see Arl Eamon. He is a good man.
Warden: I think we should go to Orzammar first instead.
Alistair: We should go to Redcliffe.
Warden: Ok.
Elf: We have been robbed, please help us!
Warden: Can't be bothered.
Alistair rivalry +10
Morrigan friendship +10
Elf: Well I'll just write it in your journal anyway in case you change your mind.
Warden: muttermuttermutter
Alistair: Oh look, a Chantry board for quests!
Warden: I didn't buy the DLC so it's blank.

Morrigan rivalry +10
Alistair rivalry +10

Part 2

Spoiler

Warden: Ok I bought and installed the DLC. Let's check the Chanters board!

Quest: Kill pigeons in Lothering, That Road That Looks The Same As The Other Roads, Lothering (night) and Another Road That Looks The Same As The Other Roads.

Warden: Odd, wasn't it supposed to give an extra companion?
Alistair: Not until later in the game.

Several waves of pigeons attack. Villagers and refugees completely ignore the battle.

Warden: I'm thirsty, let's go to the Lother Inn for drinks and wenches.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Generic Looking Bad Guy: We will attack you now!

Leliana: Wait, stop that! This is Lother Inn, there's no Fight Inn allowed inn here!
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Ok stop that!
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Isn't that maxed out yet? Let's hurry this up and get it maxed so it stops spamming.

Warden slaps Morrigan.
Morrigan friendship +25

Warden: Now I'm scared
Bad Guy: Too long without combat!

He attacks and several more waves appear out of thin air. Amusingly one soldier appears to be climbing out of the bartenders ear. The leader, who died in the first wave, gets to his feet

Bad Guy: We surrender!
Leliana: Let them go
Warden: No!
Leliana rivalry +10
Leliana: Let them go
Warden: Ok
Leliana friendship +5

Leliana: You are the Warden. I will come with you
Warden: No you won't
Leliana rivalry +10
Leliana appears as a selectable companion despite being turned down

Warden, Alistair, Morrigan and Dog find a Qunari in a cage.
Alistair: That doesn't look like a canary.
Sten rivalry +10
Warden: Who are you?
Sten: I am the Sten.
Warden: Why are you in a cage?

Sten: No.
Warden: ...what? That doesn't even make sense.
Morrigan: There's a note on the cage but you can't read it even though your journal has a section for notes, so I'll read it for you.
Warden: That's uncharacteristically helpful of you
Morrigan: Well I doubt Alistair can read
Alistair: Hey! I'll have you know that I'm almost half a page through Learning To Read With Graham Grey Hat The Grey Warden!
Morrigan: The note says that he was locked up for killing a lot of people.
Sten: Yes.
Warden: Well let's leave him here then, don't want a murderer with us. Wait, why has a quest just popped up in my journal to get him released when I just said I didn't want to?
Alistair: Don't worry about that, just push a button.
Warden: That was awesome.
Morrigan rivalry +10

The Warden and company enter the Chantry
Warden: We want you to let the Qunari go so he can help us. Wait, didn't that dialogue option say "We would like your help" I just wanted some supplies not my own pet murderer!

Grand Cleric: No, we will not let him go.
Warden: Oh good. We'll be off then.
Grand Cleric: Oh alright, here is the key.
Warden: muttermuttermutter
Alistair: Push the button again
Warden: Shut up
Alistair rivalry +10

Warden & Friends & Rivals return to Stens cage.
Warden: You are free to go pleasedon'tkillmekillalistairinstead
Alistair rivalry +10
Morrigan friendship +50
Sten: I will follow you and help you and say "no" a lot
Alistair: Can you cook?

Sten: No
Alistair: Can you sing?
Sten: No
Alistair: Can you talk?
Sten: No... I mean yes
Alistair: Ha! Got you!
Morrigan: Even when you finally manage to outsmart someone you only prove your own stupidity
Alistair: How so?
Morrigan: Well tell me this Alice, just how smart is it to upset an angry giant with a record of killing people?

Warden & followers attempt to leave Lothering.
Warden: Wait, don't we still have a quest here?
Alistair: Yes but it's at night so we have to leave, switch to night and then come back.
Warden: Ok then.

Waves of generic Darkspawn attack.

Bodhan: Oh thank you for saving me and my son, we will live in your mansion and...
Warden: I think you're confusing me with somebody else

Bodhan: You don't have a mansion? Drat, that's always a good way to get a free place to sleep. Don't ask me why it works but it does. Where are you staying then?
Alistair: We'll be setting up a camp.
Bodhan: Ah well, better than nothing I suppose. Mind if me and my boy tag along?
Warden: I doubt you'll want to travel with Grey Wardens!
Bodhan: That does sound dangerous so I shall say that I won't but we'll meet you there anyway.
Alistair: So even Origins did have a Thou Shalt Not!
Morrigan rivalry +10 just because she hasn't for a while

Part 3

Spoiler

Warden & Warden inc. are at camp. Warden suddenly wakes up with a start
Warden: Don't warn the tadpoles!

Alistair: Did you have a nightmare? Because if you did then it was real. That was the Arch Demon talking to the Darkspawn horde. We hear them too.
Warden: Is the Arch Demon a giant frog monster that rides a unicorn and steals cheese?
Alistair: Ok maybe it was just a normal nightmare. But Darkspawn will talk to you in your sleep anyway.
Warden: This just keeps getting better and better. Anything else I should know?
Alistair: You'll probably die within a few years.
Warden: That explains why my contract didn't extend to the sequel.
Alistair: Anyway since you're awake now we should pull up camp and get moving. To Redcliffe.
Warden: It's still the middle of the night!
Alistair: Well if you want to return to your frog monster dreams...
Warden rivalry +10
Alistair: Hey, how'd you do that?
Warden: Since it's night let's go back to Lothering for that quest first.
Alistair: Ok then.
Warden: Wait, I actually made a choice? It mattered? Incredible!
Alistair: Don't get used to it.

Warden & The Wardettes return to Lothering, at night. They're promptly attacked by twenty waves of bandits.

Alistair: There are always bandits at night but somebody will pay us if we kill them all.
Warden: Have you ever been here before?
Alistair: No, never.
Warden: Then how the hell do you know that?
Alistair: I read the travel brochure. It was on one of the corpses but you can't read it since it won't show up on your journal.
Warden: Let's go find those bloody pigeons. What kind of Dastardly being would hire us to kill pigeons anyway?
They walk around a bit until a gang of pigeons attack.
Warden: Ok, they're all dead but the quest didn't update. Did we miss any?
Alistair: Must have. Let's keep walking around.

They walk around aimlessly, more bandits spawn and attack.
Alistair: Those weren't pigeons.
Warden: This one had a note! It says the bandit hideout is in Generic Alley Number 12. Hey the note just vanished!
Pigeons spawn and attack. Once defeated the quest updates.
Warden: Thank the Maker for that.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Oh for...

The party enter the bandit alley which looks just like every other alley everywhere ever. Fifty or so waves of bandits spawn and are killed, nothing important or interesting happens and they leave again. This sentence was actually more interesting than playing that section would have been and it didn't even include any jokes.

Warden: Ok, to Orz...
Alistair: Redcliffe.
Warden: Redcliffe next... hey wait, I meant Orz.... Redcliffe. Damn it! Fine! We'll see if we find the rest of the pigeons on the way.

RANDOM ENCOUNTER!
Tegrin: With Orzammars gates closed (and the game railroading you into going to Redcliffe first) I have the best deals on Dwarven wares anywhere!
Warden (angrily): I will buy your wares my good man! Wait, what? That was the aggressive option? Seriously?
Morrigan rivalry +10

Warden: Do you have any companion gifts?
Tegrin: There's this cheese sandwich that has an arrow symbol on it meaning somebody wants it.
Warden: My psychic abilities say Alistair will want it. I'll take it anyway.
Tegrin: Have a good day.
Warden (angrily): Thank you my good fellow and have a great day! muttermuttermutter
Warden: Alistair would you like this...
Alistair: Not here.
Warden: What? I was going to give you some food not ask probing personal questions or something.
Alistair: Doesn't matter. Has to be at camp.
Warden: It'll be stale by then!
Alistair rivalry +10
Warden: I'm beginning to see why they put so much more emphasis on combat than talking, all the talking inevitably leads to me wanting to kill someone...

Warden & Those Other Guys And Girl Who Isn't A Guy And Dog Who Also Isn't A Guy stroll down That Road That Looks The Same As The Other Roads. Pigeons attack, buttons are pushed and awesomeness happens. Then they arrive at Redcliffe.

Warden: Well here we are, are you happy?
Alistair: I should probably confess something.
Warden: You're going to tell me that you want to go to Orzammar instead now aren't you?
Alistair: No, nothing like that. It's just that my dad was King Maric and I'm the heir to the throne and Loghain probably knows that and will undoubtedly send assassins to kill me.

Warden: Couldn't you have told me that earlier?
Alistair: It's just that everyone who's ever known has treated me differently because of it and I wanted you to like me for who I am.
Warden: Are you hitting on me?
Alistair: Of course I am, everyone's bisexual.
Warden: Well stop it, I was planning to go for the redhead girl.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Alistair rivalry +10
Sten rivalry +10
Warden: Seriously?
Dog rivalry +10
Warden: Ok now that's just plain wrong.

Part 4

Spoiler

Tomas: Praise the Maker help has arrived!
Warden: Let me guess, you have a quest for us.
Tomas: Has nobody heard? Does nobody know?
Warden: We can't go more than a minute of talking without being attacked, doesn't make for the optimum conditions for picking up rumours.
Tomas: You have a good point there...
Bandits: ATTACK!
Warden and party make quick work of the bandits.
Tomas: Anyway as I was saying...
Bandits: ATTACK!
Alistair: I think the second wave is here.

100 waves of bandits later

Tomas: Blimey, I thought we had it bad with the undead coming to attack us, you've got bandits spawning out of thin air every 20 seconds
Warden: It must be my deodorant. Oh drat did I click the funny option by mistake?
Alistair: I like your deodorant.
Warden: I'm not really wearing any deodorant, it was a joke. A bad one
Alistair (winking): Guess what I'm not wearing
Warden: How much rivalry will I earn for telling you to ****** off?
Alistair rivalry +25
Warden: I see. So you were saying something about undead?
Tomas: Follow me, Teagan will want to see you.
Alistair: Teagan? The Arls brother? He's here? In the town where he lives? Wait, why am I surprised by this?


Morrigan: Probably because you're surprised every time you look in the mirror and see your own face.
Alistair: Is that who that is?
Warden: Wait, why does Redcliffe look exactly like Lothering?
Tomas: Um... oh look, there's the Chantry. Let's go in and talk to Teagan before you ask me any more questions I can't answer.
Alistair: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck...
Warden, Tomas & Morrigan: Shut up!

Warden & party enter a very familiar looking chantry.
Grand Cleric: I bid you welcome...

Warden: Even the Grand Cleric looks the same as the one in Lothering!
Grand Cleric: Wait, this isn't Lothering. Drat, I've wandered onto the wrong set again. They all look so alike...
Grand Cleric wanders off.
Teagan: Welcome to Redcliffe please help and save us from the waves of undead who keep attacking us every night.

Alistair: Hello Teagan! You may not recognise me but last time you saw me I was covered in mud!
Teagan: Oh Maker, if you're the w***e I hired last night I was even more drunk than I thought!
Alistair: ...
Warden: You're being attacked every night by undead so you shacked up with a prostitute?
Alistair: It's me, Alistair!
Teagan: Who?
Alistair: Eamon raised me...
Teagan looks blank
Alistair: Marrics son
Teagan: Cailan? We thought you were dead! Praise the Maker the King has returned! Wait... you don't look like Cailan! This is a trick isn't it?
Alistair: His other son! Alistair, the bastard.
Teagan: Oh yes. You. Didn't you die at Ostagar then?
Warden: Why yes he did, but as you can see he made a full recovery. Sorry, hit sarcastic option again.
Alistair: Let's just help these people
Bandit: Too late! Too long without fight! ATTACK!

Some time later...

Warden: Teagan said to see what you need us to help the militia with.
Murdock: Owen the blacksmith has locked himself in his smithy. Convince him to give us weapons and armour. Also there's a dwarf named Dwyn who could help us fight but refuses to.
Alistair: You know I've been meaning to ask something, why is it that our party isn't full?
Warden: What? There are four of us. Me, you, Morrigan and Dog.
Dog: Woof!

Alistair: But the dog is a sustained ability not a party member, remember? DA2 style.
Warden: ... Oh sod! I forgot that. Let's add the hot redhead to the party.
Alistair rivalry +10
Morrigan rivalry +10
Dog rivalry +10
Warden: If you're not a proper companion you don't get to have rivalry or friendship points.
Dog rivalry +100.
Warden: And it's not letting me add Leliana to the party from here
Alistair: Try clicking on that... thing there. Looks kind of like a mailbox with a horn on it or something.
Warden: I thought that was just a bad attempt at art.
Leliana appears out of nowhere.
Warden: Right, good. Now let's get this over with so we can go to Orzammar.
Alistair: Circle of Magi.
Warden: Oh for... When do I get to make a decision again?
Alistair: There'll be one in about ten minutes. It's a good one. Choosing differently will effect three whole lines of dialogue.

They enter the Blacksmithery or Forge or whatever

Owen: Well I let you in. Whadda ya want?
Leliana: Smells like a brewery in here!
Alistair: Somebody's been drinking.
Owen: I read the script for this game and knew I couldn't do it sober. How you manage it I dunno.
Warden: Good point, pass me that flask!
Morrigan friendship +10

Many, many beers later...

Warden: Wait, why am I not drunk?
Owen: Are you gonna save my daughter or not?
Warden: No.
Owen: I'll take that as a yes then. Tell the militia I'll help but I expect you to keep your promise.
Warden: Let's just find the dwarf.
Dwyn: I'm over here. Devs figured if they were being so lazy to make all buildings look alike they may as well just toss us in the same one. Besides, I'm a dwarf and there's beer here. Do the math.
Warden: Ok great, will you fight with the militia?
Dwyn: Nah.
Warden: Good for you. Wish I could make decisions like that.
Dwyn: I'm impressed, you've convinced me. I'll fight.
Warden: What? What did I do?
Dwyn: You chose enough "nice" options in dialogues with other people that somehow you became able to convince me to do something just by selecting nice dialogues.

Warden: Leliana, what nice dialogue options do you have?
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana: We shall talk at camp.
Warden: Suddenly I'm eager to get this section over with so we can return to camp.
Alistair: And then head to the Circle of Magi.
Warden: Where we will push Alistair off the docks.
Morrigan friendship +10

Part 5

Spoiler

Warden & party enter the Redcliffe Inn
Warden: The sign even says "Lother Inn" which was a bad pun in Lothering and is just ridiculous recycling here.
Alistair: Recycling is good, BioWare are preserving the environment... Is that why they're called "Bio" Ware?
Warden: Shut up
Alistair rivalry +10
Bella: Another doomed soul come to drown their sorrows I see? What can I get you?
Warden: Ten pints. It worked in Shadow of the Bast 2 anyway.
Alistair: Wasn't it Beast?
Warden: Obviously you never played the game
Bella: That'll be 20 copper.
Warden: That's incredibly cheap. No wonder the blacksmith can afford to get so ratarsed.
Bella: Lloyd's not very good at math. Sadly it means my wages are really low as well.
Bella performs puppy dog eyes and adjusts her cleavage.
Warden: Well... ah... maybe we could help you out with that.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana rivalry +10
Alistair friendship +5
Warden: Here's some gold, now do I get a kiss?
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana rivalry +10
Bella: For that much I'd kiss all of you!
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana friendship +10
Alistair friendship +10
Warden: Leliana?
Leliana: What can I say? She's hot.
Oghren friendship +50
Warden: You're not even here!
Bandit: ATTACK!
Warden: Oh not this again!

One short brawl and a few dozen more waves later.

Suspicious Looking Elf: Leave me alone.
Warden: I didn't say anything to you.
SLE: Yes but if I hadn't said anything there was a risk you might skip my quest.
Warden: It's possible to do that?

SLE shrugs.
SLE: My name's Berwick, stop calling me SLE.
Warden: Ok. My name's Qwerty Cousland, stop calling me Warden.
Alistair: Not a mage then, ok so that's Oghren dead.
Warden: Or maybe I'm just undercover to avoid Templars.
Alistair: You'd be a Circle Mage and a Grey Warden, you wouldn't need to avoid them. Unlike some people.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Besides, shouldn't you have noticed whether I've been casting spells or using weapons?
Alistair: It's my Templar training, it makes me unable to recognise if somebody is casting spells in front of me. All Templars are the same.
Warden: So Berwick, what is this quest?
Berwick: Alright I confess! I was sent here to spy on everyone! Please don't tell anyone!
Warden: Why would I? They all just heard you yell it out.
Berwick: I hate this script. Owen had the right idea, hey Bella bring me another ale!
Bella: Get it yourself, I'm rich!
Alistair: Good to see the money hasn't gone to her head.
Warden: Speaking of head, let's get this over with quickly, Bella's beckoning me over for her... gratitude.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Leliana rivalry +10
Alistair rivalry +10
Warden: Berwick you're going to join the militia.
Berwick: No I'm not.
Warden: Berwick you're going to join the militia.
Berwick: Ok then. Wait, how did you do that?
Warden: I had a good teacher.

One fade to black expressing of gratitude later...

Warden: I think we're ready to defend the town now. Let's wait for nightfall.
Murdock: You gotta leave and come back for it to change remember.
Warden: Oh yes, that makes sense. Come on then.
Tomas: Wait, you're leaving us?
Warden: Can we get the Golem yet? I feel the need to bang my head against a wall so we may as well have one walk around with us.
Alistair: We'll be back before dark mummy, I promise. Sorry, force of habit.
Warden: You didn't even have a mother!
Alistair: I did! I just never met her. But Eamon was like a mother to me.
Warden: Wouldn't he be like a father to you?
Alistair: No, that was Duncan.
Warden: You know what, I don't want to know.
Alistair: I miss Duncan!
Morrigan: The Hurlock didn't. Mother described the battle to me in great detail, I could tell you if you like.
Alistair bursts into tears.
Warden: Take the cheese sandwich and shut up.
Alistair: We're not at camp!
Warden: Fine, we'll go to camp and come back at night for the battle! Happy?

At camp...
Leliana: Have I ever told you I like the way you wear your hair?
Warden: Thank you. I always thought that pink pigtails go well with a green beard.
Leliana: It really brings out the colour of your eyes.
Warden: Yellow?

Leliana: Installing all these mods isn't making this any easier you know. But I was trying to pay you a compliment wasn't I?
Warden: Can we just skip to the "is your fruit forbidden" bit?
Leliana: Of course not! You have to wait until Act 2.
Warden: Act 2? I didn't even know we were in Act 1! I didn't even know there were acts! It didn't say anywhere!
Leliana: Not true, it says it in the official strategy guide
Warden: Why on Thedas would I buy that? All the information is free on the internet and it's not even illegal!
Alistair: Can I have that sandwich now?
Warden: Here, take it. I think it's gone mouldy though sitting in my bags all this time. It's got a bit of corpse gall on it too.
Alistair: Don't care, it's cheese and I'm hungry.
Warden: If you like cheese so much maybe you should eat the script.

Warden and party return to Redcliffe via Another Road That Looks The Same As The Other Roads.

Traveller: Oh please help me for I am a poor and innocent traveller who has been attacked and I need your help so please follow me into this trap... I mean ambush... no I mean... circle of friends.
Alistair: She looks very trustworthy.
Warden: Yes, you go on ahead and we'll catch up.
Morrigan friendship +15
Leliana: We can't let him walk into a trap all by himself! He'll be killed!
Morrigan: You're right, we should send you with him.
Leliana: Indeed! Let us all go help.
Warden: Why'd you have to tell her to do that? Now I have to go and follow her or she'll never sleep with me!
Morrigan rivalry +10

Zevran and a wave of assassins jump out and attack. Zevran dies in the first wave but a thousand more waves spawn. Finally the last wave dies and Zevran turns out to still be alive.
Warden: Who sent you?
Zevran: Loghain, he wants you dead. You'd have figured this out yourselves by now but the cutscenes explaining it were cut because they didn't include the Hero or the narrator with the hairy cleavage.
Warden: I take it the narrator is male then?
Alistair: Hah, or an Orlesian!
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Hey he said it, not me!
Leliana: He's your friend
Warden: I wouldn't go as far as to call him a friend. Fiend maybe
Alistair rivalry +10
Zevran: Fascinating as this is, could we perhaps get back to discussing my fate?
Warden: Ok, I guess we're done with you anyway. Any last words?

Zevran: You can't kill me. Look, no option to. I guess I should join up with you then. Perhaps you would like a massage?
Warden: I could actually use some relaxation, my muscles are a little tense.

Some time later, back at camp...

Warden: I don't know how they do things where you're from, but that is NOT how you give somebody a massage!
Zevran rivalry +10
Alistair: What happened?
Warden: I do not want to talk about it! Let's get back to Redcliffe. Hey, hang on, that sidequest's marked as completed now. Did we kill some pigeons?
Alistair: Maybe some of the crows were really...
Alistair puts on some sunglasses
Alistair: Pigeons! YEEEEAAAAAH
Everyone stares at Alistair.
Alistair puts the sunglasses away.
Alistair: Sorry
Alistair rivalry +10
Zevran: If you can tell the difference then you must have eyes like a Hawke! Wait, wrong game. Nevermind. Would you like a massage Alistair?

Back in Redcliffe (Night)

Tomas: Thank the Maker you returned! The Undead are about to attack! Look, they're waiting patiently at the top of the path so they can shuffle down in an orderly yet somehow menacing fashion.
Warden: Why are all the archers standing in the fire?
Tomas: Wasn't that your plan when you said to make a fire?
Warden: It was the sarcastic option! I wasn't serious!
Undead: Brains!

Several waves of undead later...
MilitiaBloke: There's more attacking from the lake!
Warden: Hang on, out of all the enemies we've faced so far, the only ones to try any kind of strategy like a two pronged assault are the mindless undead?
Alistair: That's not a lake either, it's a river.
MilitiaBloke: Yes, well, Lothering didn't have a lake. But here it's a lake and oh by the way THERE'S ZOMBIES CRAWLING OUT OF IT!

Warden: Guess we better get down there.
Leliana: Maker please forgive your children.
Warden: They're undead. Evil, brain eating undead. I don't think the Maker will mind. And if you meant them then I don't think they really need to be forgiven for being killed and raised as undead. It's not like they had any choice in it. Probably.
MilitiaBloke: Are you coming?
Warden: Wait a minute, we need to finish looting them first. Oh look, this one has trousers.
Alistair: Um... wait, were the others not wearing trousers?
Warden: No, I mean in his pocket. Don't ask me how they fit. But anyway my psychic powers say that there's a dwarf in the village who wants them. It must be Dwyn.
Dwyn: You found these free of their guard? I thank you! I had never thought to see them again.
Warden: Riiiiiight. We'll just leave you and your pants alone and go fight the zombies.
MilitiaBloke: Finally!

Part 6

Spoiler

Teagan: The village is saved!
Warden: Isn't it a town?
Teagan: Does it matter?
Warden: Well I think it does.

Alistair: Maybe we should go and rescue Eamon now?
Teagan: Oh I suppose so. Meet me at the windmill. I have something to show you.
Warden: Not you as well? You're really not my type.
Murdock: And this is my favourite bow Jessie. We must've killed at least five thousand undead last night together... oh hello Comman... I mean, Warden. Good battle last night.
Warden: Why have you drawn a fake scar on your head?
Murdock: It's not fake! I used to be a bandit back in the days, had my own group and everything. Traitorous bastard shot me in the head but I survived because I'm just that much of a bad ass. Nobody else made it out alive.

Warden: You didn't have a scar yesterday. Just how many blows to the head did you take last night?
Tomas: He tripped over before the battle began and hit his head on a wall. Woke up a couple of hours ago and he's been talking like this ever since. We'd find him a healer but he's funnier like this.
Warden: Oh look, a Chanters board. Why's this blank?
Alistair: Because we already did a Chanters board quest this act. There'll be one more later, or maybe some quests will appear on there instead of from an NPC but only if you side with a different faction.
Warden: Different to what?
Alistair: I'm being careful not to give spoilers.
Warden: Let's just go meet Teagan and get on with this quest.

Warden & party approach the windmill where they find Teagan passionately making out with an unfamiliar woman.
Alistair: Unfamiliar? That's Lady Isolde!
Teagan: Um... I know how this looks...

Isolde: Oh Teagan I was so worried about you. Come back to the castle with me, I promise it's not a trap at all.
Teagan: Right, can't say no to that.
Warden: What about us?
Isolde: The Evil said only Teagan can come with me.
Teagan: There's a secret passing in the windmill. It's the very obvious looking trapdoor with SECRET PASSAGE written on it in glowing magical letters.
Isolde: Come Teagan, we must hurry! Eamon might recover any minute and then we'll have to go back to hiding.
Alistair: I think there might be something going on between them
Warden: What? Really?
Alistair: When I was a child I saw Teagan lying on top of her and they were both naked but Teagan said they were just exercising to keep fit and didn't want their clothes to get all sweaty and then Isolde had me sent off to the Templars. I know it sounds paranoid but I sometimes wonder if maybe she did that to stop me telling Eamon.
Warden: I'm sure you're just imagining it.
Alistair: I guess so. Oh look, here's the trapdoor.
Warden: No that says "SECRET PASSAGE TO BELLA'S BEDROOM" this one says "SECRET PASSAGE TO LADY ISOLDES.... KINKY... DUNGEON... OF FUN..." I'm not sure we want to go this way.
Alistair: Why not?
Leliana: Alistair! I'm surprised at you! I thought you were a nice boy.
Alistair: What? What did I do? I'm confused!
Morrigan: Oh let's just go. Alistair could use the education.
Alistair: Are you being nice to me? I'm getting really scared now.

Warden & party walk through the dungeons until they hear somebody screaming.
Jowan: Help! I forgot the safe word! Let me out!
Warden: Who are...
Undead: Brains!
Warden: I thought it'd been a while since we killing something.

Some zombie killing later...

Jowan: Wow, that was a lot of undead. I lost count around the fiftieth wave.
Warden: Who are you?
Jowan: I'm Jowan. Lady Isolde brought me here to tutor her son and shag her but Loghain had sent me to poison Arl Eamon and well, I got my assignments confused! I poisoned Connor and tutored Isolde and...
Warden: Why would she hire you to tutor her son?
Jowan: Mostly just as a ruse to get me on the staff so she didn't have to sneak to my Secret Apostate Hideout (secret passage in the windmill) but also because Connor is a mage.
Alistair: What happened to Eamon?
Jowan: I met this girl, Isabela, at the Pearl in Denerim and caught... something from her. I passed it on to Eamon and he's been sick ever since. Lady Isolde was furious when she caught me with her husband and had me locked up to torture me but I forgot the safe word so she hasn't let me out!
Alistair: I'm lost
Jowan: Press M for the map
Alistair: Is it awesome?
Warden: Shut up.
Alistair rivalry +10
Warden: What does this have to do with the undead and demons and evil and stuff?
Jowan: The poison I gave Connor, it sent him into the Fade and I think he made a deal with a demon to get revenge on me. I swear, I was just trying to poison his father, shag his mother and teach him to be a blood mage! I've done nothing wrong!

Warden: Right I'm just going to leave you locked in there and go try to fix this mess.
Jowan: Can you at least give me some pants? It's awfully chilly in here.
Warden: Sorry, sold them to a dwarf.
Morrigan: He could have Alistairs.
Alistair: What? No!
Warden: Could be good for a laugh.
Alistair rivalry +10
Alistair: Well you can't! You can't change companion armour in this game, so there!
Warden: Bah. Let's just go then.
Jowan: But I'm cold!
Morrigan casts fireball

Part 7

Spoiler

Warden: I don't believe it! Look at this place!
Alistair: I know, it's a complete mess!
Warden: Look at the map! It's different! It's new! We've never been here before!
Leliana: I suspect we'll be seeing it again a lot though.
Warden: Why's that? Other than cynicism that is.
Leliana: Beneath this sign saying "Redcliffe Castle" is an older sign saying "Arl of Denerim's Estate" and beneath that is another sign saying "Arl of Redcliffes Estate" and beneath that is a sign saying "Soldier's Peak".
Warden: Great, really looking forward to those then.
Alistair: Have you bought Soldiers Peak yet?
Warden: No, not yet.
Levi Dryden: Warden! Ya gotta help me save my family name and get a castle (small print: you do not get the castle) just for the small cost of 560 BioWare points!
Warden: Go away.
EA rivalry +10
Undead: Brains!
Many waves later.
Undead: Brains!
Many more waves later.
Alistair: Cheese!
Everyone stares.
Alistair: They're allowed to shout their favourite food and nobody gives them strange looks.
Warden: They're dead. They were already dead and then we killed them even more. Would you like that to happen to you?
Alistair rivalry +10
Alistair: I'll shut up.
Warden: Good man.
Alistair friendship +10
Valena: AAAARGGGH!
Alistair: AAAAARGGGH!
Morrigan: Surely you must be used to inciting that reaction in women by now Alistair?
Leliana: Morrigan I'm beginning to think you're not a very nice person.

Warden: Calm down, nobody's going to hurt you. Except maybe the undead wandering around. Or Morrigan because she's kind of evil and maybe Alistair by accident as he's kind of a klutz.
Valena: AAAAARRRRGH!
Warden: Owen sent me to find you. Well, actually I refused but that seems to have not been an option. And I wasn't going to rescue you just to spite him for that but here you are standing in my way. So I can either lock you up in there again or you can... oh there we go, she's run off.
Alistair: Wait! That's the wrong way.
Valena is killed by a zombie.
Undead: Brains!
Warden: I think you'll only get a light snack out of her.
Undead: Brains?
Many undead being re-deaded later...

Alistair: Damn it, this door's locked. We'll have to go via the basement.
Leliana: I could pick the lock.
Alistair: We'll have to go via the basement.
Warden: She can pick the lock.
Alistair: BASEMENT!
Warden: Now you're scaring me. Let's just... go to the basement shall we?

Warden and party make a dull and uneventful detour through the basement and into the courtyard.
Undead: Brains!
Ser Perth: We don't have any! Why do you think we're standing behind this locked gate when we could reach through the bars to pull the lever and open it or go through the poorly disguised secret passage instead?
Warden: Or you could just climb through the hole in the fourth wall. Maker knows we've broken it down enough times.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: It's a figure of speech not a bloody proclamation of faith! And anyway you should be more tolerant.
Morrigan: Yes because the Templars and Chantry are so tolerant of my beliefs in, for example, freedom.
Alistair: Freedom to turn people into toads doesn't really count as freedom.
Morrigan: I've never turned anybody into a toad, although you wouldn't guess it from seeing me with you.
Alistair: That was an insult wasn't it?
Morrigan: Clever boy!
Alistair: Well I just guessed, since it was directed at me.

Warden: Look I like companion banter as much as anybody else but could you please help kill these zombies first?

Several waves of undead and a pull of a lever later.

Ser Perth: We should rush into the Castle and check on our beloved Arl Eamon!
Everyone stands still.
Warden: Well?
Ser Perth: I was waiting for you to tell me to do it.
Warden: Run along then.
Ser Perth and the knights run into the Castle. They all hurt their heads.
Warden: Try opening the door first this time.
Ser Perth: Clever!
Warden: How did these people survive before we came along?
Morrigan: Those poor zombies must be starving

Inside Redcliffe Castle. Teagan is prancing around while Connor and Isolde watch.

Teagan: It's Friday, Friday...
Connor: So these are our visitors? The ones you told me about mother?
Isolde: Y-yes Connor.
Warden: The name's Cousland. Qwerty Cousland.
Connor: That is an awful name. I should kill you for it.
Isolde: Connor I beg you, don't hurt anyone.
Connor: Don't tell me what to do!
Teagan: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooboooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooody tells him what toooooooooooooo doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Coooooooooonnoooooooooor: Stop that!
Teagan rivalry +10
Isolde: I beg you don't hurt my son! He is not himself!
Leliana: The power of Adraste compels you! Avaunt! Begone foul spirit!
Teagan: Forgive me friends, your deaths will only add to my failure!

Teagan charges at the party flailing his arms around. Ser Perth and the knights bravely run away. Morrigan trips Teagan up and he falls flat on his face and into unconsciousness.
Connor bravely runs away.
Isolde: Teagan? Are you alright?
Teagan: I am better, I think.
Isolde: Please, Connor is not responsible for this. There must be a way to save him.
Teagan: What about the mage? He should still be in the dungeon
Morrigan: Ah, yes. About that. He may have been set on fire.
Teagan: Then what choice do we have?
Alistair: We can go to the Circle of Magi!
Warden: You're right! They can probably help us save him from the demon! Alistair you're a genius!
Alistair friendship +10
Alistair: Actually I just heard they were selling miniature golem dolls there
Teagan: It's a plan then. You go off to the Circle of Magi and the rest of us will stand in the exact same spots until you get back and hopefully Connor will do the same. Rather than kill us all, turn us into liquid and make a giant robot out of it. For example.

Warden: Great. You do that. Let's go make camp and prepare for the journey to the Circle.

Back at camp...
Leliana: I lied to you, you know. Before when I told you why I joined the Chantry.
Warden: You never even told me anything.
Leliana: Well I would have if you'd bothered to talk to me! Honestly! Anyway, I was a bard you see.
Warden: I guessed that from the lute, songs, music and stuff.
Leliana: I did terrible things. Killed people.
Warden: I guessed that too from how good you are at putting sharp things into people.
Leliana: My ex-lover framed me for a crime she committed....
Alistair: She?
Oghren: Look, I know you haven't met me yet and I'm probably dead because you're not a mage but I'm not missing this story for all the beer in... some place with lots of beer!
Leliana: I was locked up but I escaped...
Oghren: Sod it, guess I missed the sex scene. Bye!
Leliana: And I joined the Chantry to hide. But then the Maker started talking to me. But I found out it was just a guy hiding in a closet whispering to me. But then I figured he was probably told to do that by the Maker. Then I saw you at the Inn and new it was my destiny to help you fight the Blight.

Warden: The Maker told you that?
Leliana: The script did!
Warden: Oh, ok. Is it Act 2 yet?
Leliana: Yes.
Warden: So can we... you know?
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Guess not.

Sten: Why have we stopped?
Warden: Because we're at camp?
Sten: Find my sword.
Warden: What?
Sten: My quest. Find my sword.
Warden: Oh.......kay....
Alistair: I have a sister!
Warden: congratulations?
Alistair: That's all. For now. I have to make this quest last through the whole game after all.
Morrigan: My mother wrote a book...
Warden: What's going on, why are you all suddenly telling me these things?
Alistair: Companion quests for this Act.
Morrigan: It's probably at the Circle. I want it.
Warden: A sword, a book, a sister and...
Dog: Woof.
Warden: A bone. Got it.
Zevran: And if you find any leather clothing...
Warden: I don't want to hear about your fetishes!
Zevran rivalry +10

Part 9 8

Spoiler

Part 9
Warden: Wait, what happened to 8?
Alistair: DLC?
Sten: No.
Alistair: Timeskip?
Morrigan disapproves
Alistair: Bad joke?
Warden: Probably

Part 8

Warden: So this Jowan guy ran away from this tower all the way to... a town on the same lake? Wouldn't it have been smarter to, oh I don't know, go to Kirkwall or something?
Alistair: Kirkwall? That's like the Templar capital of Thedas! You'd have to be the worlds stupidest apostate to go there!
Warden: I guess so.
Bandit: ATTACK
Warden: Hey this one dropped a sword. Sten is this yours?
Sten: Ask me at camp.
Warden: My journal says this is your sword and that you really badly want it back because it's like your soul or something.
Sten: Camp.
Warden: Right. I can see you're really in a hurry to get it back. Maybe you'd like the Butterfly Sword instead?
Sten: Fine. I will pretend we're in camp.
Warden: Here's your sword.
Sten: This is my sword. But you did not pick the correct dialogue option so I shall hate you for no apparent reason.
Sten rivalry +10
Warden: Bugger.
Carroll: I hope you're not looking to get across to the tower because I've strict orders not to let anybody across.
Warden: This treaty says you have to let us cross
Carroll: Oh yeah? Well I got a bit of paper that says I'm the Queen of Antiva. What do you say to that?
Warden: Well you do have a girls name.
Carroll: You say you're a Grey Warden? So what?
Warden: I've had enough of your snide repudiations!
Shepard Punch
Warden: Alistair, you can row.
Alistair: Row row row your boat, gently to the tower. Singing singing singing a song that'll make you kill me within the hour.

Warden, Morrigan, Leliana, Alistair and Dog arrive at the tower having swapped Sten at the weird mailbox-with-a-horn-on-it-thing.

Knight Commander Gregoir: Who are you? What are you doing here? What is your favourite colour?
Warden: Well that would be subtle if it wasn't for the last one. We're Grey Wardens here to remind your mages of this treaty that was signed thousands of years ago by people long dead in the hopes that you'll help us despite the fact that the treaty is probably not legally compelling and was in fact written by Alistair during the boat ride since he dropped the real one over the side.
Gregoir: We cannot help you.
Warden: Is it because it's written in crayon?
Gregoir: No it's because all of our mages turned into abomi... abominibina... monsters. But if you kill them all then the Templars will help you instead.
Warden: Because you clearly proved to be so competent at this assignment.
Gregoir: Just get in there and kill stuff, if we chat too long we'll get ambushed and I've no confidence in my mens ability to defend me while I hide behind something.
Morrigan: These are the brave and fearless Templars we apostates hide from?
Gregoir: We are indeed and while we may not seem a threat to you, rest assured that if you were an apostate we would know and you would be afraid!
Morrigan: Of course, my mistake. It's a good job I'm not an apostate then isn't it?
Gregoir: Well of course. But if you were then we'd know. Somehow. I'm sure we would.

Warden: Have you ever actually found an apostate?
Templar: Well, no. But that must just mean we're doing so well at our jobs that there aren't any. Right?
Warden: And these guys trained you Alistair? Suddenly it all makes sense.
Alistair: Hey look at this! Come inside, it looks just like the Tower of Ishal!

Part 1 Tower of Ishal 9

Spoiler

Circle of Magi

Alistair: We are helping the Templars and it is our responsibility to fight abominations!
Warden: Indeed.
The two fight through a few dozen more repetitive waves and get to the next floor which has the exact same layout as the ground floor.
Leliana: Two? What about us?
Warden: Maybe you were too busy making out with each other?
Morrigan rivalry +50
Leliana friendship +10
Morrigan: Don't even think about it!
Leliana: Spoilsport
Wynne: You shall not pass!
Warden: Wynne! The Circle Mage I met during a non-playable portion of the game! It is great to see you again.
Alistair: You don't know her, remember the whole "The player won't know who she is and won't care" part?
Warden: Oh yes, sorry. Who are you?

Wynne: I am Wynne, a Circle Mage and even though you are clearly not Templars I'm going to assume you're working for them. Partly because it's common sense since they had to have let you in, but mostly to mock the rebel Templars in Dragon Age 2 who assume Hawke is siding with Meredith even when he or she clearly is not.
Alistair: I think they patched that
Wynne: Then I'm mocking the unpatched version
Warden: And the fourth wall is well and truly demolished.
Wynne: Help me rescue the mages and save the Tower!
Warden: What happens if I don't?
Wynne: The game will play exactly the same way but with a few different lines of dialogue. Also I shall repeatedly disagree with you but still go along with every action you take regardless of how much of a hypocrite it makes me. They didn't patch that, did they?
Alistair: Unfortunately not
Warden: That's what I thought. Oh well, let's save the Tower.
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: And if you're coming with us I guess we have to leave somebody behind. Sorry Morrigan but you and your rivalry points can bugger off.
Morrigan rivalry +100
Warden: How is that not already maxed?
Morrigan rivalry +10
Warden: Yes yes, run along now.
Morrigan vanishes into thin air, Wynne also vanishes but then reappears standing next to the Warden.

Mage: Take care of her will you? She's so very, very old and I saw a demon clobber her and I thought she was dead and...
Abomination: too long without combat!
Several short battles later
Warden: By the way, just to make this clear, I'm trying to shag the hot red-head so if you're going to get upset about it, get it out of your system now.
Leliana rivalry +10
Dog rivalry +10
Wynne: I shall try to contain my disappointment. (turns to Leliana) And you my dear have my sympathy.
The party proceeds upstairs to the next identical floor. They are promptly ambushed by a group of blood mages. Dog rushes in, dodges Wynne's fireballs and does a remarkably good job of actually helping in the fight.
Warden: What the...
Alistair: The dog... it didn't die to friendly fire, run in the wrong direction or get stuck behind an invisible barrier!
Leliana: Perhaps it's broken?
Warden: Dog, are you feeling alright?
Dog: Woof?
Alistair: Did that dog just say "woof"?
Leliana: Of course it did, that's what dogs do.
Warden: This is what happens when you name the damn thing Gaspode.
Blood Mage: Oh please spare me! Don't kill me!
Warden: Oh, one of them's still alive and has foolishly drawn our attention to that fact.
Alistair: She's a blood mage! We can't trust her.
Blood Mage: I'm not! I... um... I just had a nose bleed while casting a spell.
Alistair: Then why does it say "Blood Mage:" before your dialogue?
Blood Mage: Typographical error? Maybe it should say "Good Mage:" or "Blonde Mage:"
Warden: You're a redhead. Which is good since redheads are hot...
Leliana friendship +10
Blood Mage: Then maybe it should be "Bloody Mage:" the write is English right? They say "bloody" a lot. Damn it, I'm not fooling you, am I?
Wynne: I am so very disappointed in you.

Warden: Oh just bugger off, the Templars downstairs can deal with you.
Wynne rivalry +10
Warden: Is anyone not my rival yet? Honestly you're all as bad as Morrigan.
Dog rivalry +10
Warden: Morrigan!
Dog: No I'm not!
Warden: You shapeshifted into a dog?
Alistair: She always was a b***h
Doggigan rivalry +10
Morrigan: Ok! You caught me. Can I please stay?
Warden: If you stay as a dog so you don't take up a party space, fine.

They enter a room and find a Templar and a desire demon.
Demon: I do not wish to fight you
Alistair: Don't trust it!
Wynne: Don't trust it!
Leliana: Don't trust it! Ooh but she is kinda hot.



Doggigan: She's just a demon, be careful if you trust it.
Warden: Aren't you supposed to be smarter than that?
Doggigan:
I'm an apostate working under DA2 style rules
Warden (turning back to the demon): Why should I trust you?
Templar: This is my wife and she is lovely and trustworthy and has not hypnotised me in any way shape or form. I am happy. Leave us be.
Warden: Oh, ok then.
Demon: Wait, you seek the First Enchanter yes?
Warden: I suppose so.
Demon: Perhaps we can make a deal. In the next room is another demon. We don't get along. Kill it and I shall help you.
Warden: Kill a demon. I think we can manage that.
Alistair: Wait, we shouldn't do what a demon wants we should always kill demons. But if the demon wants us to kill a demon then we shouldn't kill a demon because then we're doing what a demon wants? But then...
Warden: Don't think about it. I'm going to get rivalry points no matter what, I'm sick of this repetitive combat so I'm just going to kill only the stuff that's actually in the way or attacking us. Mistress demon, you have a deal. And mister Templar you may want to ask your wife to put some clothes on when you have visitors

The party proceed to the next room where they find a big powerful demon and kill it. The desire demon and Templar waltz in.
Demon: You have done it! The way is locked but there is a key in that chest. Take the key and nothing else. That is our deal.
Alistair: No it wasn't, that wasn't even mentioned in the deal.
Warden: Don't care, can't be bothered fighting if we can skip it. We'll take the key and leave the rest of the junk behind. It's only good for selling anyway and I'm already rich.
Demon: I do not trust you to keep that deal! Die!
Warden: What? Why make the bloody deal in the first place then?
Warden and party kill the demon and Templar and the waves of extra demons and mind controlled templars who inexplicably jump out of thin air.

Wynne: I hope you've learned your lesson about making deals with demons now.
Warden: I have. Always get it in writing.
Wynne rivalry +10
Wynne: This is First Enchanter Irving’s private quarters, I should probably stop you from rummaging through his desk but that would be too sensible.
Alistair: Hey there’s a lot of books about blood magic here, I wonder if that’s a clue.
Warden: Well it was a red herring in Origins but this is DA2 style so… hey what’s odd box?
Alistair: Hey I found a note about that one of the many bandits who ambushed us earlier

Warden: “Friends of Red Jenny”? Who’s Red Jenny?
Alistair: You’ll have to wait six years to find out.

[Kyrare]

Part 10

Spoiler

Alistair: So I've been thinking
Doggigan: If I could write with paws I'd mark it on my calendar
Alistair pretends to throw a ball
Alistair: Fetch!
Doggigan runs after the imaginary ball
Alistair: Why is it called the Circle? The tower's more of a cylinder.
Wynne: It's because one of our philosophies is that we do not cut corners, by making deals with demons for example
Warden: But a circle has no corners, implying that somebody did cut them off
Wynne: Drat. I've been using that excuse for years, now I need to think up a new one.
Alistair: Maybe it's because they *round* up all the mages here?
Warden: Oh that was pretty bad
Alistair: Well if it's that bad maybe you should tri an angle instead? Get it, like a triangle?

Doggigan: At first I was annoyed by you manipulating the instincts of this form to get rid of me, but now I'm actually glad I missed those jokes.
Wynne: It's odd, we should have run into Owain, the tranquil by now.
Warden: Wasn't he a blacksmith in Redcliffe?
Wynne: No, no. Owain not Owen.
Alistair: The art department called him away. They decided that shaving tranquils heads wasn't enough, they should also have a big sun branded on their heads. So he's off having that burnt onto his skull
Wynne: Ah. I'm surprised really. I never pictured him as being hotheaded.
Alistair: Hey I gotta write that one down!
Doggigan: I could turn back into a human if you want to send one of them away
Warden: Tempting
Doggigan: I can even shapeshift my hair you know, if you really like redheads
Alistair: Ooh are they hotheaded too? You know, because their hair is red?
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: He said it, not me!
Sloth: Oh hurry up will you! I'm a sloth demon and even I'm getting tired of waiting for you to get to the next bit
Alistair: You're Eamon? Mummy you look... different
Sloth: Demon not Eamon!
Warden: Hang on, I just noticed something. I don't trust Arl Eamon
Alistair: What? Because his name sounds like demon? That's insane!
Warden: EA-mon... mon could be short for money. EA Money. He's going to try to sell us some DLC, I just know it
Alistair: But you should buy the DLC!
Warden: And I'm going to start calling you EAlistair if you keep that up!
Wynne: Might I suggest not pushing that joke too much farther. You don't want to tempt fate and have this whole thread deleted
LelEAna: Is this a bad time to advertise Leliana's Song DLC then?
Wynnedows: Well if we're going to advertise, I hope you upgraded to Wynnedows 7
Warden: Ok stop it now.
Alistair: I think the demon fell asleep. Does this mean we can Skip The Fade?
Warden: Sorry, I forgot to install that mod
Sloth: You are feeling very sleepy...
Alistair: Rock a bye warden, on the tower top...

Duncan: Welcome to Weisshaupt. You defeated the Blight
Warden: I actually almost believe you, since this has gone on longer than DA2's gametime lasted anyway

Duncan: And this would be the perfect way to parody the timeskips
Warden: It would indeed, and the lack of a real ending. By the way, since you died so early we never got to mention your beard
Duncan: It's probably for the best, all those jokes have been done to death
Warden: I suppose. Anyway why am I here?
Duncan: Because you won. The world is at peace, the Blight is over and you shagged the redhead
Warden: I've never even heard of this place and wouldn't know how to pronounce or spell it. Why would you think this is what I'd want? Why aren't my family back from the dead? Why aren't I surrounded by naked women? Not at the same time as family of course, that'd be embarrassing
Duncan: Well frankly we were a little confused about what you wanted, after your little encounter with the elf
Warden: He said it was a massage!
Duncan: So anyway, if we bring in some naked women will you stay?
Warden: Of course
Duncan: Pity. I had hoped we could tempt you to stay
Warden: I said I'd stay
Duncan: But no, you have to go off and save the world
Warden: It can wait
Duncan: Well if you won't stay, you can die!
Warden: I said I'd... hey, stop hitting me!

Warden fights off Duncan and a few waves of demons and then a birdbath mysteriously appears
Warden: Can I have the naked ladies now?
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: That came from the birdbath. I guess I should follow it

Warden somehow appears on a floating island next to another birdbath and a mage
Mage: Another prisoner fell into the trap? You'll never escape
Warden: Oh I will. I'm a big damn hero after all
Mage: How will you manage that?
Warden: First I'll explore
Mage: I never thought of that!
Warden: Oh look, a tiny hole. And a mouse
Mouse: You can be a mouse too!
Warden turns into a mouse. the Warden mouse then moves the cursor over the hole and tries clicking on it
Mouse: Very funny
Warden turns into an actual mouse and runs through the hole
Mouse: Hey, you better not steal my cheese! Even though I actually prefer fruit, since I'm not a cartoon
Warden: But you are a computer game character. Besides, there's a running cheese joke

Wardenmouse climbs out of a hole and turns back into a human.
Warden: Hello? Leliana? Alistair? Wynne? Witch B***h?
Doggigan rivalry +10
Warden: Ah, looks like the rivalry came from that direction.

Warden finds Morrigan and Flemeth
Flemeth: I am your mother!
Morrigan: Look, I'm confused! Do you want me to call your BS like I do in Origins or pretend to believe you like a gullible idiot in DA2?
Warden: Alternatively you could just come with me
Morrigan: Do I have to turn into a dog again?
Warden: Not yet, party isn't full
Morrigan: Ok then
Flemeth: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Warden stabs fake-flemeth
Morrigan: Oh that reminds me, new quest. kill the real one
Warden: I haven't even found the book yet
Morrigan: What? Haven't you been looting the chests? You bloody slacker... hey come back
Morrigan vanishes
Warden: Ok now to find Leliana. or somebody else to shag
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Ah, that way

Part 11

Spoiler

Warden (yelling): Leliana? Leliana?
Warden walks into a room to find Leliana on her knees in front of another woman, both wearing Chantry robes.
Warden: You're praying?
Leliana (blushing): Um... yes... that's what I was doing. Praying.
Warden: Seriously? The demons tried to keep you here with... prayer?
Leliana: Demons? And who are you?
Warden: You don't remember? Oh good, maybe this can be a fresh start. If I said you had a nice body...
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Damn it
Sister: Leave us be, she has plenty more... praying to do.
Warden: Leliana if you come with me then...
Sister: She would rather come with me
Oghren: Look, I know I'm probably dead and Dwarves can't come into the Fade but I wouldn't miss this for all the...
Leliana: Oh for Andrastes sake can we please have some privacy?
Warden: She's a demon. Oghren might be too, although he could just be a huge perv
Oghren: Definitely the latter. Although I could be your incubus if you want
Warden: You are really not my type
Oghren: Not you! Her! Well, unless... no!
Warden: You're a bard, not a priestess. Come with me.
Sister: Oh she shall come with...
Leliana: You said that already. Wait... I remember you. You weren't a Chantry sister you were that shy girl in Lothering who listened to my stories but always stayed away from the Templars. Bethany?

Bethany: Yes, yes, the whole Sister thing was a double meaning. And I'm a demon. But I'm your demon my love. I can give you everything you've ever wanted.
Leliana: Even...
Leliana blushes
Leliana: Even... shoes?
Bethany: What? Shoes? What good are shoes? I can offer you unimaginable...
Leliana: If you won't buy me shoes then I'm leaving.
Bethany (transforming into a desire demon): You! You did this! You took her from me!
Warden: Well, yes. I'm rather reluctant to leave my friends and/or people I want to shag in the clutches of demons.
Bethany: How will you react when I turn your friends against you?
Warden: They're not here. Leliana just vanished and you'd already tried that anyway
Bethany: Damn it. I'm gonna get my arse kicked now aren't I?

She was right

Warden: Wynne! You're old! And you smell of cat pee!
Wynne rivalry +10
Warden: Ah, found you! What... is this place?
Wynne: This is a building unlike any other. A place truly one of a kind. A part of something unique and wonderful.
Warden: What is it?
Wynne: It's Dragon Age: Origins. The real one, not this silly parody in Dragon Age 2 style. See how this place is different from every other in the game? How it's never recycled, never reused. Well, except in some custom player-made content, but since they don't have a budget, art team or quite as advanced construction set it's perfectly understandable in their case.
Warden: It's amazing
Wynne: And over here, look at this.
Wynne opens a door and they look through.
Warden: Oh that looks terrible.
Wynne: Look beyond the graphics.
A girl with pinkish hair is talking to a blonde girl who looks somewhat elvish
Pinkhair: Sometimes, when it's quiet... I can hear the taint in my heart whispering to me. It says awful things and I almost want to scream to shut them out.
Blonde: (gasp!) You... you haven't done anything that it's said, have you?
Pinkhair: Well... other than that time I got up in the middle of the night to snatch a bag of cinnamon cookies, heck no.
Blonde: Oh, good... what? Cinnamon cookies?
Pinkhair: Ha ha! Oh, come on, Aerie! Lighten up, willya? I'll tell ya what, if I have any desires to murder you in the middle of the night, you'll be the first to know, okay?
Warden: I wonder if they're single?
Leliana rivalry +10
Imoen rivalry +10
Aerie rivalry +10
Wynne rivalry +10

Warden: I really hope nobody bills me for the damage to the fourth wall.
Wynne (sighing): In my day it was different. So very, very different. But I know this isn't real. Times have changed and I cannot dwell on the past. Let us move on, and hope that the future can offer games as great as these.
Wynne vanishes
Warden: Sloth! You... damn it, how do you insult a lazy demon?
Imoen: Sloth's over that way.
Warden: Thanks.
Alistair: Hey! What about me?

Warden marches onto Sloth's island, Wynne, Morrigan and Leliana appear behind him.
Warden: Qwerty's Angels, let's kick some ass!
Sloth: I offered you your dreams come true and this is how you repay me? Perhaps instead you would prefer... YOUR NIGHTMARES! So how about it Warden? Would you like another massage?
Warden: AAAARRRGH!
Zevran rivalry +10
Leliana: You must be strong! You must fight...
Marjoline: Leliana...
Leliana: I am not afraid of you!
Marjoline: Oh but my dear... (she turns into Leliana) you are me!
Leliana: Nooooooooooooooooooo
Wynne: Now that's just silly
Sloth: Wynne, we just got you a part in a new computer game. It's called Gryphon Age, a story full of Gryphons and gryphons and gryphons and...
Wynne: Too many feathers oh no I can't take it STOP ASKING FOR GRYPHONS
Morrigan: Ok that was funny. But you won't scare me.
Sloth: Morrigan. I love you
Morrigan runs away
Sloth: I guess I win
Alistair runs in
Alistair: I'm (puts on sunglasses) tired of you. YEEEAAAAAAH
Sloth: What? That was...
Alistair pulls out a gun and shoots him
Alistair: Yes! I did it! Epic victory for me! Alistair for the win!
Wynne: What? For... me? I had no idea. I...
She runs up to Alistair and hugs him then plants kisses on him
Alistair: No! Help!

Back in the Tower of Is... sorry, Mages Tower. The Warden and party wake up.
Warden: Some dream
Alistair: Yes, dream. Not real. Didn't happen.
Warden: I hope we're nearly done here. Then we can go to Orz...
Alistair: Denerim.
Warden: You know, there's a reason I tried to leave you in the Fade.
Alistair: Well I saved your ass, so you owe me.
Wynne: So that was you!
Alistair: Quick, we must save the rest of the Tower! No time to dawdle, chat, hug or kiss. Especially not hug or kiss. We must move on!
Wynne: So very brave and selfless
Morrigan: Even I almost feel sorry for him. Almost

The party enter another room and find a Templar, Cullen, sitting in a circle of light next to a stairwell.
Cullen: Leave me alone demonic abomination vision things!
Warden: We're real
Cullen: Oh. Uldred's upstairs. Kill him and save us all. But please kill all the other mages up there too just because I'm stark raving mad at the moment
Warden: Wouldn't you feel bad about their deaths being on your hands?
Cullen: Nope because my character will be retconned and be the most sane Templar in the sequel. Actually that thought scares even me.

Warden: Right. Well I'm not going to kill the mages
Cullen: Aww, why not?
Warden: Partly because it's wrong, partly because I'm too lazy to fight things that don't attack me first and partly because I just like to make templars cry
Alistair: Don't say things like that! You know it upsets me!
Cullen: I'll be back! And this time I won't be insane! And I won't share my voice actor! I will be... oh, they left. Back to my crossword puzzle then

Uldred: I want to put a demon in you
Warden: I hope that's not some kind of euphemism
Uldred: What if it is? (winks)
Warden: Exhibit A: hot redhead. You don't compare.
Uldred: I don't think it matters! All will serve me! All will die! All will bring me cake! Possibly in that order!

Alistair: The cake...
Warden: No
Alistair: Oh come on, please?
Warden: No
Alistair: But it's a good line! Everyone loves it!
Warden: We're saving it for later
Alistair: Really? Ok, I'll wait
Irving: Can you just hurry up and save us?
Uldred: Naughty Irving! You're supposed to be under my control! Resistance is useless!
Alistair: Futile!
Warden: Actually the Vogons predate the Borg and they said it was useless
Leliana: Actually I have +magical resistance gear and it is not useless or futile. It's both useful and fashionable
Uldred: I don't think it matters! Die!
Uldred turns into a huge demon and lots of waves of demons appear from nowhere
Wynne: Use the litany!
Warden: The what?
Wynne: Drat! I knew we forgot something!
Warden and party clear out all the demons. Irving is the only surviving mage
Wynne: Oh well, the result would have been the same even if we had the Litany
Irving: I'm too old and too weak to walk down all those stairs. Pick the correct dialogue option so the plot teleports us to the bottom
Morrigan: What about my mothers book?
Warden: Alistair, go find the book
Alistair: What? Why me?
Warden: Or you could help Wynne down the stairs...
Alistair: Gone to find book. Bee Are Bee

Downstairs
Gregoir: You did it! You saved the Tower!
Warden: We accept payment in cash, cheques and promises to help against the Blight
Gregoir: Since the Tower is saved the Templars cannot help, we'll be too busy watching the mages. But the mages can help you
Warden: So wouldn't the Templars need to follow the mages who help us and therefore be able to...
Gregoir: No! For no conceivable reason that shall not happen
Warden: Oh. Ok. Oh by the way Irving can you and some other mages come to Redcliffe and help a kid who's been possessed by a demon?
Gregoir: It's a good job the kid hasn't been possessed by a demon. If he had then we would know and we would slay the abomination
Irving: Yes, we'll help. Gregoir do you mind if some of us leave the Tower for a while without Templar supervision to help a child your job dictates that you must slay?
Gregoir: That's fine. Have fun
Irving: Let's be off then

Outside the tower suddenly all the mages start bleeding
Warden: What the hell just happened?
Irving: We just became blood mages. Any mage who leaves the Tower in DA2 style inevitably becomes a blood mage.

Warden: Won't that be a problem?
Irving: Oh no, the Templars won't notice. They don't even know we're mages, they think we're the kitchen staff.

Part 12

Spoiler

Warden and company return to Redcliffe with the mages
Alistair: You could say that our group has had a...
Alistair puts on sunglasses
Alistair: Mage-r upgrade! YEAAA... ow! You hit me!
Alistair rivalry +10
Warden: I'm sorry, my fist slipped
Owen: Warden! Thank you so much for saving my daughter!
Warden: You're welcome... wait, what?
Valena: Brains
Owen: She's been a little odd since she got back, doesn't say much and keeps trying to bite my customers, but I'm just glad she's ok
Warden: Right....
Owen: Actually I'm trying to marry her off. You wouldn't happen to be interested would you?
Warden: Oh I'm sorry we have an urgent appointment at the Castle. Bye
Valena: Brains?

Irving: Somebody must go into the Fade to rescue the boy
Warden: We were just there!
Irving: Yes well somebody must go there again. It needs to be a mage
Morrigan: I could go and make a deal with the demon... I mean... kill the demon
Wynne: I will go
Irving: Are you sure?
Wynne: I must prove myself worthy of my true love Alistair.
Alistair: Is there any chance of side effects? Memory loss perhaps?
Irving: No, nothing like that
Alistair: Damn
Wynne: It's very sweet of you to be so concerned Alistair
Leliana: Alice has a girlfriend!
Alistair: My name is not Alice!
Oghren: Alice isn't a girl? Damn it, I'm leaving again then
Alistair: I do wish he'd stop doing that
Irving: Wynne you are feeling very sleepy...
Wynne: Of course I am, I'm very, very old
Wynne falls asleep

Connor: Did you make my father sick?
Wynne: No dear, that was the nasty blood mage with the STDs
Connor: Oh. What's an STD?
Wynne: That doesn't matter right now, you're really in the Fade and I need you to wake up
Connor: I'm not really Connor, I'm a demon! Surprise!
Wynne kills the demon
Eamon: Hello? Is anybody there?
Wynne: Hello, I'm trying to save your son
Eamon: Really? I'm the one who's bloody dying. Save me. Also I'm selling these fine DLCs...
Wynne: I'm not the player character.
Eamon: Well could you talk him into buying one? There's Return to Ostagar, you have special dialogue for that one too!
Wynne: How very exciting, I'm certainly eager to return to the battle where I almost died. Now leave me be while I find the demon who's possessing your son
Connor: You shouldn't be here! Go away!
Wynne: Are you Connor or a demon?
Connor: Surprise! I'm really a demon!
Wynne kills the demon
Connor: Surprise! I'm a demon too!
Wynne kills the demon
Demon: Surprise! I'm really a... oh wait, I forgot my disguise. Um... let's talk this over! I am a demon of desire, I can grant you any wish you could ask. What do you want?

Wynne: I'd like to be able to drag you out of the Fade, cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favours come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this.
Wynne waves
Wynne: Can you arrange that for me Miss Desire Demon?
Demon: Not... exactly
Wynne: Well I can
Wynne kills the demon

Wynne and Connor wake up. Wynne has a severed demon head in her hands.
Irving: You did it! The boy is free of the demon
Teagan: Now we need to save Eamon
Isolde: The urn! The Urn of Sacred Ashes will save him!
Warden: You want us to go chasing a myth?
Isolde: Yes! It'll keep you busy so me and Teagan can... um... I mean... it is not a myth! It is real. Maybe. It must be. Probably. Go, find it
Leliana: Don't you mean "Teagan and I"?
Isolde: You? Stay away from my Teagan you hussy!
Teagan: Brother Genetivi in Denerim was researching it. Perhaps he can help
Alistair: Told you. Denerim
Warden: Perhaps somebody in Orzammar could help
Teagan: No, that would be silly
Warden: Worth a shot
Alistair: Why are you so keen to go to Orzammar anyway?
Warden: I did some reading up and there's a gift there for Leliana that might help me get into her pants
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Actually I have an idea. Lesbians
Alistair: What? Your idea is lesbians?
Oghren: Did somebody say lesbians?
Warden: Oghren can you fetch me a cute nug from Orzammar?
Oghren: What? What does that have to do with lesbians?
Warden: Leliana is bisexual and wants a cute nug
Oghren vanishes
Oghren reappears with a cute nug
Warden: Now go away
Oghren: What? Where are my lesbians?
Warden: Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Oghren: Oh yeah
Oghren vanishes
Warden: Leliana, have this...
Leliana: Camp
Warden: Fine, we'll make camp then head for Denerim

The party set up camp in a location that looks just like every other place they set up camp at
Morrigan: So I've been reading the book and it says bad stuff about my mother so I need you to kill her
Warden: But you wanted me to kill her even before you read it
Morrigan: Um... that was a fade demon. Or something. Just go along with it please?
Warden: Fine, I'll kill your mother. But only because she refused to sign my Voyager DVD box set
Sten: Where is the cake? They said there would be cake? The cake is...
Warden: is your next quest?
Sten: Yes
Alistair: Please don't interrupt that line, it's my favourite
Wynne: I too have a quest for you. I want to go for a walk with you
Warden: I thought you liked Alistair?
Wynne: That's not what I meant! Honestly! I only want us to walk into an ambush so I can fall over and explain how I'm possessed by a de... friendly spirit
Warden: Right... are there any mages who aren't blood mages, abominations or circle mages?
Wynne: Most are all three
Alistair: My sister is in Denerim. Can we go see her?
Warden: Fine
Dog: Woof
Warden: You can have this bone, it's from a zombie but I don't suppose you'll mind
Dog friendship +10
Dog: Woof!
Zevran: About that leather clothing...
Warden: Well one of the bandits who attacked us was wearing these leather boots
Zevran: It will do for now
Zevran friendship +10
Warden: Leliana, have this nug

Leliana: Aww it's one of those cute subter...subt... underground bunny pigs! So cuuuuuuuute!
Leliana friendship +1
Warden: One? Just one bloody friendship point? What do I have to do to get you into bed woman?
Leliana rivalry +500
Warden: Damn it

On the way to Denerim... RANDOM ENCOUNTER!!!
Bandit: Attack!
Multiple bandit waves later
Warden: And now to slice his throat even though he died in the first wave and should be dead anyway...
Leliana: Wait, these are no ordinary bandits!
Warden: How can you tell?
Leliana: There's a big glowy plot arrow above him
Bandit: We were just hired to kill the pretty redhead!
Oghren: Me?
Warden: You're not pretty and you're not here
Oghren: I'm pretty drunk
Warden: Get lost
Leliana: You were sent to kill me? It must be Marjoline!
Bandit: She's in Denerim. This is her address. Please don't kill me
Leliana: Go, now. Before I change my mind
Bandit: I'll send you a letter later about how I've changed my ways, repented my sins and taken up stalking you to find out where you live so I can send you letters

Leliana: I must confront her. If we happen to go to Denerim can we look her up?
Warden: We're on our way to Denerim anyway, you know this. We're standing right next to a sign that says "You are now entering Denerim, thank you for walking safely". Alistair just walked into it
Alistair: It was supposed to be ironic
Warden: Well it was moronic
Alistair: Actually it was wooden
Leliana: It is a sign from the Maker that we are on the right path
Warden: The sign-maker, yes

Part 13

Spoiler

Alistair: Can we make it part 12A? I'm superstitious
Warden: No
Leliana: This is the address. It is time to confront Marjoline
Oghren: When you say confront...
Leliana: I will kill her
Oghren: No chance of angry make up sex?
Leliana: None
Oghren: I'll be at the inn
Warden: If I ever die, remind me to just pretend it never happened
Alistair: You can just reload the last saved game anyway
Guard: Stop loitering in that doorway!
Warden: Guard do you mind turning around while my friend here picks the lock
Guard: Why? I'll just ignore it anyway
Warden: Oh. Ok then
Warden and party enter Marjoline's house and find some Qunari mercenaries
Qunari: We are actually Tal'Vashoth but incorrectly labelled as Qunari
Sorry. Warden and parry enter Marjoline's house and find some Tal'Vashoth mercenaries
Tal'Vashoth: Better
Warden and party kill the Tal'Vashoth
Marjoline: Ah Leliana! So good to see you again!
Leliana: You sent assassins to kill me!
Marjoline: I just came from Antiva, I thought I'd send you the traditional Antivan greeting
Warden: We don't believe you

Leliana: You are so transparent!
Marjoline: You mean my top? It's the latest in fashion... where on Thedas did that dwarf suddenly come from?
Oghren: Niiiiiice
Leliana: You will not hurt me or my friends again... Oghren get out of the way! I'm trying to stab her
Oghren: Spoilsport. I'm going back to the inn then. Shout if you run into any more scantily clad women
Marjoline: Such strange company you keep my little Leliana
Leliana: I could almost forgive your betrayal, your framing me for treason and murder. But I will never ever forgive you for NOT CALLING ME THE MORNING AFTER!
Leliana decapitates Marjoline while everyone else stares in shock. The severed head flies towards the Warden who instinctively catches it.
Alistair: I guess your efforts paid off, she finally...
Alistair puts on his sunglasses
Alistair: Gave you head. YEEEAAAAAAH
Morrigan: Where *did* you get those glasses anyway?
Warden takes a couple of steps backwards and looks around uneasily
Warden: Well... I think we should be off then
Leliana: I would like to talk to you at camp
Warden: Right. Right. Absolutely

The party return to Denerim marketplace
Guard: Hmm, bloody footprints leading out of the house, a suspicious looking group of people completely drenched in blood walking out... either somebody's done a murder in there or you spilt ketchup
Warden: Brave enough to find out?
Guard: Um... well, those ketchup bottles are a pain to open sometimes aren't they? I can sympathise. From far away. Be on your way
Alistair: Hey look, a cake stall!
Merchant: We got all kinds of cakes here! Carrot cake, chocolate cake, fruitcake, cheesecake...
Warden: I'll take this one
Merchant: A good choice, good choice indeed. That'll be one sovereign
Alistair: The cake is...
Warden: Shut up
Alistair: Oh hey look, that's my sisters house! Can we go say hello?
Warden: Fine
Goldanna: If you're here for laundry I charge extra for removing bloodstains
Alistair: Hello. I'm your brother
Goldanna: You what?
Alistair: I don't know if you know this but your mother... our mother, worked for King Marric and...
Goldanna: I knew it! You're the baby! They said you was dead!
Alistair: I'm not a baby! Well, I suppose I was once but I'm not now
Morrigan: Debatable
Goldanna: You rich then?
Alistair: What? No. I'm...
Goldanna: ****** off then. Come back if you get rich.
Warden: I think she only wants your money
Alistair: You may be right
Leliana: Want me to decapitate her?
Alistair: No! Well maybe... no!
Warden: Hey look at this, "grey wardens come to the pearl to meet us. we promise this is not a trap". I think that might be a trap
Alistair: What should we do?
Warden: Ignore it I suppose. What's the Pearl anyway?
Leliana: It's a brothel
Warden: We should go and investigate this trap
Leliana rivalry +10
Warden: Please don't kill me
Alistair: Look there's Brother Genitivi's house. Perhaps we should call in there first?
Warden: Ok. If we're going to reward ourselves at the brothel then I suppose we should 'urn' our reward first
Alistair: Ooh that was a good one, want to borrow my sunglasses and say it again?

In Genitivi's house
'Weylon': Who are you?
Warden: Are you Genitivi?
'Weylon': Yes. I mean no. I mean... hang on a second
'Weylon' pulls a note out of his pocket, reads it and puts it back
'Weylon': I am Weylon, Genitivi's assistant.
Warden: Where's Genitivi?
'Weylon': He went to... hold on
He checks the note again
'Weylon': Lake Cal... ca I can't read this. You read it
Warden: It says "pretend to be Genitivi's assistant Weylon and send anyone looking for him to an ambush at Lake Calenhad. Do not tell them about Haven"
'Weylon': Thanks. He's at Lake Calenhad
Warden: I think you're lying

'Weylon': I'm not! I swear on the corpse of the real Weylon that I am not an impostor!
Warden: You're not very good at this are you?
'Weylon': I knew I should've joined the Discworld dragon cult instead. All they had to do was give a gold item and chant "dragon dragon dragon" a lot
Warden: The game or the books?
'Weylon': Game. Book was a bit more complicated and involved being burnt to a crisp.
Warden: Well that's going to happen here too. Morrigan, if you'd please
Morrigan casts fireball
Alistair roasts marshmallows
Warden: Guess we'll be going to Haven then. Let's head to camp first.

At camp...
Leliana: I hate you
Warden: Please don't kill me
Leliana: But since you got maximum rivalry and flirted with me that means I also inexplicably love you and will use only slightly different dialogue to what I would say if you maxed my friendship
Warden: Please don't kill me
Leliana: I won't kill you
Warden: Oh good
Leliana: So long as you never leave me, betray me, call me fat, sleep with anyone else unless I'm there to join in...
Oghren: Can I watch?
Leliana: Mention any of what we do to the dwarf or complain about me harvesting your eyelashes

Warden: I... love you?
Leliana: Good boy
Leliana kisses him

Sten: Where is the cake? I was told you had cake.
Warden: Here you go, a lime cheesecake
Sten: The cake is a lime!
Alistair: It's about time!

Warden: Ok we forgot a few things in Denerim so we're just going to go back and meet you at Haven
Leliana: You're planning to sneak to the Pearl
Warden: Please don't kill me
Leliana: I want to go too!
Oghren: And me!
Warden and Leliana: No!

The Pearl
Isabela: Well hello there. Fancy a 'duelling' lesson? (winks)
Leliana: Only if I can come too
Alistair: Wait, isn't she the one Jowan got those STDs from that poisoned Eamon?

Isabela: Jowan, which one was he? Was he the one who complained that it burnt afterwards? Or the one who said it had spots? Or the one who said it turned into a chicken and flew away? Ooh was he the one who...
Warden: Suddenly not interested
Leliana: Me neither
Isabela: Damn it. I have got to find some kind of miracle cure or I'll never keep my reputation of being easier than Dragon Age 2 on casual difficulty
Warden: Miracle cure! That's it! The Ashes of Andraste!
Leliana: Yes! They can cure anything!
Warden: We'll be back!
Isabela: What an odd couple
Oghren: Hey, I don't mind a few diseases, I'm already dead.
Isabela: Dead? Wait, no I'm not that picky, maybe I should've been in Fahrenheit (aka Indigo Prophecy). Come along to my ship then

Part 14

Spoiler

Back at camp again

Alistair: I've been meaning to talk to you about what happened at Redcliffe
Warden: I think it went pretty well, don't you?
Alistair: Yes
Warden: We done then?
Alistair: Yep
Warden: Ok then. According to this map Honnleath is on the way to Haven. We can call in there and hand in the pigeon quest
Wynne: I made you all a nice picnic lunch to take with you. Extra cheese for Alistair
Warden: And for the script too probably
Leliana: You already made that joke my love who I also hate
Warden: True but we've reused a lot of jokes. Think of it as a way of parodying the reuse of the same dungeons
Alistair: Ok, Honnleath, Haven, back to Redcliffe and then to Orzammar
Warden: Oh yes, now I've got the nug now we can go to Orzammar
Alistair: Well we can't go meet the Dalish yet, they're still entangled in a lawsuit with Avatar over possible copyright infringement
Zevran: What about me?
Alistair: Plot hole
Warden: Oh come on, that's just being lazy
Wynne: Leave the poor boy alone
Warden: We could leave him alone with you
Alistair: No please don't, I'll be good. I promise
Warden: Ok, Alice, Morrigan and sexy redhead...
Oghren: Me?
Warden: Hell no. Go back to being dead

Sten: Me?
Warden: Where on Thedas did you get that wig? And no, not you

Leliana: Perhaps you should call me by name?
Warden: Or we could make up soppy pet names for each other
Leliana: You can be Schmoooples
Warden: Isn't that your nugs name?
Leliana: No he's Schmooples. You're Schmoooples
Warden: Second thoughts let's stick to real names
Leliana: Because Qwerty is just so much better?

The party arrive at Honnleath
Alistair: I sense Darkspawn
Warden: Oh yes, about that. How come I can only sense them after investing points in survival and that makes me sense anything, not just Darkspawn?
Alistair: Oh look, a pretty flower
Warden: Actually it is rather pretty. Here you go Leliana
Leliana: This was the flower my mother used to wear! Oh I love you so much even though I hate you!
Warden: No friendship points?
Leliana: You reached max rivalry so nothing you do can change it
Warden: I could practically worship you and you'd still hate me just as much?
Leliana: Yes

Warden: I could treat you like, well like Alistair, and you'd still love me?
Leliana: Yes. But if you're treating Alistair like you treat me then we shall have words. Or threesomes
Alistair: I'm game!
Warden: Well in that case, make me a sandwich b***h
Leliana: Wynne already made us lunch
Warden: I know but...
Leliana: And Morrigan is the b***h. remember, the whole Doggigan thing?
Morrigan: I'm not a dog now
Alistair: I was raised by dogs you know. Or is it too late for that joke now?
Warden: Look it's just a stupid internet joke, you know...
Leliana: If you're really hungry we could always eat the sandwiches after we kill these Darkspawn
Warden: Just forget I said it
Darkspawn: Attack!
Alistair: You can't talk until the expansion
Darkspawn: You mean it's not the expansion yet? But DA2 wasn't this long, you should be done by now!
Warden: Well we're not, we're having too much fun
Darkspawn: Yeah well see if you enjoy this!

Several waves of Darkspawn later

Warden: Well it was kind of fun I guess
Alistair: True, the actual combat of DA2 style isn't too bad
Leliana: A little fast though. I prefer my physical activity to last a while
Morrigan: 'Tis odd how the always explode like that though
Leliana: Rather messy too
Warden: Ok this statue looks like the quest handin
Shale: My name is Sebastian Hale. Or S.Hale for short
Warden: Don't we need to solve a puzzle or something in this DLC?
Shale: No, DA2 didn't even have the usual easy but skippable puzzle
Warden: Oh come on, just one little puzzle?
Shale: Ok fine. My control rod is broken, fix it and I can follow you. Here's the broken rod, a stick and a working rod with bits missing. Use the stick to move parts from the broken rod onto the replacement and...

Alistair: How did I know it would be that puzzle?
Warden: Right, I can solve this... there we go
Shale: Ah free at last. And you killed the pigeons too. Wait, sorry. It killed the pigeons
Warden: I'm not a killer clown
Shale: And yet it has pink hair, a green beard and is covered in blood
Warden: Fair point I suppose
Shale: So, shall I be accompanying it?
Warden: Morrigan, party's full and the default Dog is useless...
Morrigan rivalry +10
Morrigan transforms to Doggigan again
Warden: How long until that's maxed?
Doggigan: Has been since Lothering. I just like saying it

Warden and party arrive at Haven
Guard: Welcome to Haven, enjoy your stay and by that I mean go away
Warden: Hey, that rhymes
Guard: What rhymes with ****** off?
Alistair: Hiss off? Miss Moth?
Guard: It was a rhetorical question
Alistair: It was a rhetorical answer
Guard: Know what, just stop talking to me. Finish your business and get out

Doggigan: Sorry, it's just I get a buff from doing my business
Guard: I'd rather you didn't do it on my leg next time
Warden: Let's look around...
Leliana: Let's go shopping!
Warden: Fine, we'll see if they have any supplies
Leliana: And shoes
Alistair: And miniature golem dolls
Shale: Oh it likes little golems does it? Perhaps it would like to be squished into a miniature human doll?
Doggigan: I like this golem
Shale: Tell me, can you turn into a pigeon?
Doggigan: Um... no?
Shale: Good

Storekeeper: We don't get many strangers here. Yet we still have a shop even though NPCs never use them. What do you want?
Leliana: Do you have shoes?
Storekeeper: Sold out I'm afraid
Leliana: Maybe you have more in the back?
Storekeeper: No! You can't go back there! DIE!
One quick fight later
Warden: Great, couldn't we have done that before I paid him for these goods? And why can't I loot the money back? Did he deposit it in some kind of invisible piggy bank?

Leliana: Hey these aren't shoes back here, these are dead Redcliffe Knights! I can't wear them on my feet!
Alistair: The plot thickens!
Doggigan: It's not the only thing that's thick...
Warden: Well there's only one thing to do
Leliana: Give them a proper burial and pray for their souls?
Warden: Take all their stuff
They loot the bodies and leave the store
Guard: This is why we don't like strangers!
Warden: Because they find your poorly hidden and smelly corpses?
Guard: Well, yeah. We'd have buried them but the graveyard's reserved for jokes
Doggigan: I think most of Alistair's jokes should be dead and buried
Alistair: That would be a... did you steal my sunglasses?
Doggigan: Yes
Alistair (sulkily): a grave mistake. yeeeah. No, it's just not the same
Guard: Attack!
Combat ensues
Warden: Let's head to the Chantry
Leliana: Yes, we should pray for their souls
Warden: I was thinking we should just kill everyone in there
Leliana: That works too
Alistair: I guess she really is Princess Stabbitty after all

Part 15

Spoiler

Warden and party enter the Haven Chantry
Eirik: And then Andraste said unto the Maker...
Alistair: Mummy!

Eirik: No, she said "I want to be a dragon" selecting the sarcastic dialogue option. The Maker in his infinite wisdom...
Alistair: He looks just like Eamon!
Warden: I think it's the beard
Leliana: They're blaspheming! Andraste never asked to be a dragon, she picked all the nice dialogue options. Well, and the flirty ones of course
Eirik: Blasphemer!
Warden: I think there's only one way to settle this
Eirik: With a religious debate quoting our favoured holy texts?
Warden: I was thinking more along the lines of killing you all since you're an insane murder cult
Eirik: Fair enough, but can you let me finish this verse? We usually do the ritual sacrifices on the hour
Warden: Well this is the hour of your demise!
Leliana: Time to meet your Maker!
Doggigan: We're going to clean your clock!
Shale: It does like the silly jokes doesn't it?
Alistair: Can I have my sunglasses back please?

Some combat later...
Leliana: That fight took a while
Warden: Yes it did drag-on a bit
Shale: It is planning on finding more meatbags... I mean fleshy creatures to kill yes?
Warden: They always find us
Shale: How convenient!

Warden: Hey look, this wall is a secret door!
Leliana: I wonder what's behind it?
Doggigan: Treasure?
Warden: Naked ladies?
Alistair: Cheese?
Shale: Augmentation crystals?
Warden: What?
Shale: If you find any shiny rocks you can stick them on me to make me look pretty and have better stats
Leliana: Oh you must be a girl golem!
Shale: What? Of course I'm not! Next thing you'll be mistaking me for a Dwarf!
Alistair: Hah, girl Dwarves? As if there's any of those
Warden: Well there's nothing here except for an old man with a broken leg

Shale: Can we squish him?
Genitivi: Please don't!
Warden: Brother Genitivi?
Genitivi: Yes? Are you another cultist?
Warden: Do I look like a cultist?
Genitivi: You look like a mad man covered in blood. So yes
Alistair: We're here to rescue you. And to find the Urn of Sacred Ashes
Warden: Did you find them?
Genitivi: Ashctually I did. They're nearby in a temple, but it has a complex locking mechanism that you'll need my help to open
Warden: Alistair can carry you
Alistair: Why can't the golem do it?
Shale: If it calls me 'golem' again I shall tear its arms off
Warden: That's why. You can't tear arms off
Doggigan: That's right, Alice is completely 'armless
Shale: It certainly will be if it isn't careful

Haven Temple
Genitivi: Ok so this is a very complex lock. You see these three spindles? I need to move all these discs across from this one...

Genitivi: And there we go. I'm going to wait just inside the entrance so I can
make notes on all the death traps you run into
Warden: Alistair, you go in front
Cultist: Attack!
Alistair: Can I please have my glasses back now?
Doggigan: No
Cultist: Attack!
Alistair: Pretty please?
Doggigan: Oh alright. I've been chewing them though
Alistair: Eww, witch slobber
Leliana: My money says they end up in bed together before the game ends
Warden: Think they'll do it doggy style?
Shale: If it has quite finished making me sick can we please find more squishy cultists to squish?
They pass through a cave and fight some baby dragons
Kolgrim: You will not defile this temple!
Alistair: Oh look, another loony
Kolgrim: We are Andraste's chosen! Her faithful servants! You have defiled her Temple! You have killed her children!
Leliana: You mean the dragons? Andraste is not a dragon! This is madness!

Kolgrim: No.... THIS.... IS.... HAVEN...
He attempts to kick Shale, being the nearest party member, down a well
Kolgrim: My foot! My poor bloody foot!
Alistair: Now he's...
Alistair puts on the chewed sunglasses
Alistair: Hopping mad! YEEEEEAAAAAAH
Doggigan: You have drool on your face
Alistair: Totally worth it
Warden chops off Kolgrims good leg
Alistair: Now he hasn't got... (sunglasses) a leg to stand on! YEEEAAAAH!
Kolgrim: 'tis only a flesh wound!
Shale kicks him in the face. Kolgrim falls down the well
Alistair: All's well that ends... (sunglasses) well. YEEEEAAAAAH!
Leliana: We don't get fooled again... sorry, I got caught up in the mood
Alistair: Ooh look, he was carrying a horn. We could start up a band, you sing and I play the horn
Alistair blows the horn. A very, very loud roar responds
Alistair: Oops
Warden: Oh well done. We were going to try a stealthy approach but you blew it
Alistair offers the sunglasses, Warden slaps them away
Leliana: Look at the size of that thing!
Doggigan: Bet you wish she said that to you
Warden: Busy not being eaten by a dragon, I'll insult you later!
Shale: Dragons, they fly yes?
Warden: What? Of course they bloody do!
Shale: And they eat, yes?
Alistair: It wants to eat us!
Shale: So they also... excrete?
Warden: I suppose so
Shale: There's a lot of statues around here...
Warden: I bet it isn't careful to avoid them!

Shale lets out a huge roar and leaps onto the dragon. The dragon tries to shake the golem off but Shale is too strong. After much wrestling Shale manages to snap the dragons neck and throws the lifeless monster into the cliff wall.
Alistair: I'm glad he's on our side
Doggigan: I'm glad he didn't see me getting a buff from one of those statues
Warden: We must be near the Urn now, come on
Guardian: Stop! Only the worthy may visit the final resting place of Andraste and see her Ashes

Warden: But we need those ashes to cure a w***e so we can have an orgy with her! Oh, and to save some dying guy
Guardian: Even so, you must first pass... THE THREE TRIALS
Warden: Treasure huntery, thieving and sword fighting?
Guardian: Stop monkeying around and get on with it.

They enter a room where a figure is sitting in a chair facing away from them. As they approach the figure rises and turns around. It's Teyrna Eleanor Cousland's zombie
Warden: Mother!
Eleanor: I knew you would come
Warden: I should have watched over you more closely, I should've...
Eleanor: My little girl, sorry it's the hair, it confuses me... My little boy has become so strong. I love you. You've always made me so proud. Just...
Warden: What is it? Anything!
Eleanor: Remind me never to voice somebody's mother in a BioWare game again
The group share a moment of silence and Eleanor's corpse vanishes.
Alistair: Damn it, we were too late to loot her!
Warden: I'm going to kill you!
Alistair: I'm sorry!
Warden: I didn't say that
Warden: I know, I did
Alistair: Can I kill the other me?
Warden, Leliana, Shale, Alistair and Doggigan attack Warden, Leliana, Shale, Alistair and Doggigan
Alistair: I know how to deal with this!
Alistair sheathes his sword
Alistair stabs the now defenceless Alistair
Warden: Was that ours or theirs?
Doggigan: Who cares?
Leliana: We don't have to fight you know. I'm sure there's other things we could do with each other
Leliana: It's like you read my mind
Everyone stops fighting to stare at the two Leliana's as they start to make out
Shale and Doggigan make short work of the distracted clones
Doggigan: I guess they got men to play us.
Shale: Wait, isn't everyone bisexual?
Doggigan: I'm only bi if the Warden is female
Shale: Ah. Which Warden is the real one?
Doggigan: Kill them both to be safe
After combat Alistair, Warden and Leliana get back to their feet.
Warden: It's a good job we come back from the dead so long as one party member survives
Doggigan: You do? I mean... yes, I knew that
Leliana: That was soooo worth dying for
Warden: Agreed!
Alistair: What? What did I miss?
Warden: Come on, one more trial to go

The group enter a room with a deep chasm and some engraved stones surrounding it
Warden: A puzzle!
Alistair: Look, a see through bridge appears when I stand on this one
Oghren: See through what? Blouse?
Alistair: No! But wait, look you appeared on that stone and now the bridge section is solid
Shale, Leliana and Doggigan all stand on stones and together form a complete solid bridge
Warden: Well that was easy. Why do I get the feeling we cheated that somehow?
Oghren: Bah, this is boring. I'm leaving again
Leliana: Look, this inscription says we have to get naked and run through this fire
Oghren: Wait! I'm on my way back!
They strip off, walk through the fire and get dressed again just in time for Oghren to arrive
Oghren: Damn it!
Leliana: The Urn of Sacred Ashes! We found it!
Alistair: We should take a handful and leave the rest
Warden: Sod that, I'm retiring from the Wardens and starting up my own pharmacy!

Guardian: No! I cannot allow it! Take only a handful and no more
Warden: Shale, your hands are pretty big... carry this please
Shale: Oh fine, but only because It asked nicely
Guardian: But... but...
Warden: See? Only a handful. Bye!
Guardian: ... damn it

Part 16

Spoiler

Genitivi: You're back! Did you find... is that...?
Warden: We got the Urn
Genitivi: I am not worthy!
Warden: Bugger off then
Genitivi: It's just a figure of speech. Can I see?
Warden: I'll do better than that. Look at that
Genitivi turns around and the Warden throws a knife into the back of his skull

Leliana and Alistair look shocked
Shale: It really knows how to make my day
Doggigan: If I was in human form I'd hug you!
Leliana: You... you killed him!
Warden pulls out the knife and sprinkles some ashes on the wound
Genitivi: That hurt!
Warden: But the ashes worked
Genitivi: Wait, you hadn't already tested them?
Warden: That was the test
Genitivi: I could've died!
Warden: Well you're not important, and surely a decision of leaving you alive or dead isn't going to effect the sequel at all, that'll be big decisions like which party members survive, who's romanced, who rules where and such
Alistair hides an evil grin with his hand
Warden: Besides I'd never hurt Leliana, I wouldn't trust Doggigan to stay dead even without the ashes and she can carry a grudge and I doubt Shale would die easily. Sadly we need Alistair to take the throne
Alistair: Wait, what? No no no no no no no no Eamon should be king
Genitivi: Let's just get back to Denerim
Alistair: Redcliffe
Genitivi: Denerim
Alistair: Redcliffe
Genitivi: Dener.... Redcliffe. How did you do that?

The party return to Redcliffe yet again
Bella: Brains!
Warden throws some ashes in her face
Bella: Oh hello again. I just had the strangest dream...
Owen: Brains!
Valena: Brains!
Some ash throwing later, they arrive at Redcliffe Castle
Teagan: You return! Do...
Warden: Why does everyone tell me that? Do you think I didn't know? Maybe I thought I was in Orlais shagging the Divine?
Leliana: That's blasphemous! I wonder if she's sexy though. I do hope she's not old...
Isolde: Is that... the Urn? Um... we should do thorough tests before trying it on my husband. It might make him worse
Warden: Already tested. Works on anything short of decapitation. Oh, and you're gonna need a new innkeeper
Teagan: It'll be alright, nobody likes him, and Isolde, we'll always have the broom closet
Warden: Oh dear... we've run out of ashes
Alistair: WHAT? I told you not to kill and resurrect everyone we met on the way! I can't believe this...
Warden: Just kidding
Eamon: Oh... I just had the strangest dream
Teagan: That was no dream, a lot has happened...
Eamon: Wait, Bella really was in here with an identical twin sister?
Warden: Now that would be worth visiting the Fade again for
Teagan: These people saved you Eamon, and your son. And everyone except Lloyd
Eamon: Never liked him anyway. Oh, is that Alice?
Alistair: Alistair
Eamon: Right, well let's talk strategy. But first we should reward these heroes
Warden: I noticed you have a nice treasury
Eamon: I now pronounce you Champion of Redcliffe!

Warden: What does that mean? Do we get golden belts or something?
Eamon: Well, your camp has been upgraded to a mansion. It should have been earlier really but... wait, you have been to the Deep Roads, right?
Warden: Not yet, and a mansion isn't very practical considering all the travelling we have to do
Eamon: A caravan then. A luxury caravan. Also you'll need to stay here for three years during which nothing of interest will happen, at least not until we release some more DLC...
Warden: I knew he'd try to sell us some DLC!
Eamon: We'll also make a statue that looks nothing like you and put it in the docks
Warden: We can't wait three years! We have an appointment at the Pearl! And a Blight to stop!
Eamon: Such is the price of being Champion
Warden: I'll pick a differ...

THREE YEARS LATER...

Warden: ...ent specialisation then. Wait, what just happened?
Eamon: Three years passed. Champion, much has happened in these last few years (actually nothing has changed and consequences of things you did three years ago will only show up now, all at once) and we must make plans about Loghain
Warden: Three years? Gone? Just like that?
Eamon: We must call a Landsmeet!
Alistair: Oh no, now Wynne's going to be even older
Leliana: We've been dating three years? When are you going to propose?
Teagan and Isolde stagger out of the closet
Isolde: By the Maker that seemed to last years!
Teagan gives a goofy grin and collapses in exhaustion
Eamon: Follow up on the rest of your treaties and then we'll call a Landsmeet
Warden: Is there any reason we couldn't have done that during the three years of nothingness?

Back at camp they find Sten, Wynne, Zevran, Bodhan and Sandal sitting outside a huge caravan
Bodhan: Now this is more like it, travelling in style! You've been gone an awful long time though, we were starting to worry
Warden: You waited here for three years?
Wynne: Has it been that long? Oh Alistair, I've missed you so!
Alistair: Did I ever mention that I'm a Templar?
Wynne: I do love a man in uniform
Alistair: Ex-Templar
Warden: You could say he put the temp in Templar
Wynne: Oh good, then your vow of chastity doesn't count any more
Doggigan: Vow of... oh my, Alice is a...
Warden: What, you've never...?
Alistair: Never what? Licked a lamppost in winter?
Wynne: Would you like to lick a lamppost... in Wynneter (she winks)
Alistair faints
Warden: I think you broke him
Wynne: Oh that was fun
Doggigan: Told you
Warden: Wait, that was all... a trick?
Wynne: Honestly, I'm old enough to be his great grandmother. Morrigan promised to share some of Flemeth's magic with me if I helped her wind him up. Since I'm an apostate blood mage abomination now, having been outside the Tower for more than three seconds, I may as well learn some real power
Leliana: Poor Alistair. I guess he'll miss our trip to the Pearl now. Perhaps Zevran should come instead?

Bodhan: There's just one small problem. The caravan is designed to be pulled by horses but there are no such creatures in these games
Warden: Remember how you said you'd be our manservant?
Bodhan: Oh no...
Sandal: Enchantment?

One fade-to-black foursome at the Pearl later...
Isabela: That was amazing! I might even remember that later, if your import doesn't bug

Leliana: I'm just surprised that pervy dwarf didn't show up
Zevran: Oh he did. I offered to give him a massage but he ran away
Warden: So, is that it then? We won the game?
Leliana: Don't be silly, that wasn't the goal of the game. That's a suit of armour you're wearing, not a leisure suit
Warden: Oh yes, we had a Blight to stop. Where now?
Leliana: Orzammar I think
Isabela: Perhaps you'd like to make another visit to my Deep Roads before you go?
Warden: We already lost three years, I think we can afford to wait a little longer
Isabela: Wait, three years? Damn! I've got an appointment at the shop to get a piercing and breast implants then I've got to get to Kirkwall, oh s**t I'm late!
Leliana: Strange girl

[Kyrare]

Part 17

Spoiler

Bodhan and Sandal are pulling the Warden's caravan through a forest when a man runs past them and gets shot full of arrows
Bodhan: Quick my boy, gather up all the arrows to sell to the Warden for extraordinary high prices! Special discount, hah!
Sandal: Enchantment?
Warden: What's going on? Why have we stopped?
Guy full of arrows: War... Warden?
Warden: Hello? Have we met?
Guy half full of arrows: I'm dying, is that important?
Alistair: He has a point
Warden: Several actually
Alistair: Hey I know you! You're one of King Cailan's guards!
Guy: Yes! Warden, you have to go back... to Ostagar!







Alistair: He's dead!
Warden: Probably a side effect of having a dozen arrows in him. No wait, two arrows. Bodhan, why are you gathering up all the arrows?
Bodhan: Souvenirs?
Sandal: Enchantment!
Alistair: Does he know any other words?
Sandal: No I don't
Alistair: Oh... ok then
Warden: Well Morrigan wants us to go kill her mother anyway, I'm sure we could stop at Ostagar while we're there
Wynne: Wait, you actually bought the DLC?
Warden: Yes, fine, I upgraded to the Ultimate Edition ok? They gave me Mass Effect 2 for free and I already had it so I swapped it

Alistair: Does that mean we're doing Awakening as well? I'm not sure I have time for that, I might have to just make a cameo
Warden: That's fine, I'm sure that any of you who can't make it will be replaced by characters with just as much depth, dialogue and such. Besides, the most important thing is I heard it has the fan favourite redhead in it, so all's well
Leliana: Really? I shall have to check with my agent. He never mentioned this
Morrigan: Can we get a move on? We have evil witchy mothers to kill
Alistair: There's more than one? Wait, are we killing Wynne too?
Warden: No. Probably not. Well, maybe. If she tries to knit me another hat definitely
Wynne: There is nothing wrong with that hat!
Warden: It's three times the size of my head, vomit coloured and says "Gay Warden" on it
Wynne: It was a harmless typo!
Warden: This parody is being written by a brit you idiot! So we're Grey Wardens not Gray! It's not even a conceivable typo under those circumstances!
Wynne: Well excuse me for favouring the official lore spelling over the spelling of a parody writer
Alistair: But that's not the...
Warden: Don't worry, just wait a couple of parts
Morrigan: Wait, are we parodying the parody now? Can we do that?
Alistair: Better be careful or we might have to deal with the same "oh look it's fifty thousand waves of identical enemies" joke again
Leliana: Or disapproving rivalries
Warden: Or those awful CSI jokes
Alistair: Hey! I wrote all those myself
Rayvioletta: Stop taking credit for my work Alice. No wait, those puns were awful, you can take the blame for those
Warden: Fourth Wall come back, all is forgiven
Merrill: What happened to the first three? No, wait. I'm too early aren't I? I'll come back later for the sequel
Shale: Shall I make another It joke? I've been reading up on the Addams Family. Pop culture references are an acceptable form of humour aren't they?
Bodhan: Since we're stopping perhaps you'd like to buy something? This fine leather coat, maybe a gift for your Elven masseuse? Or these lovely boots for your girlfriend with the foot fetish? Perhaps some arrows?
Warden: Why is it that the dead guy is now naked and you're trying to sell his stuff? Is this where you get all your merchandise?
Bodhan: Of course not! Only most of it.
Sandal: Enchantment!
Warden: Ok fine, I forgive you. But only because your son is so funny. You should be thankful to your wife that you have him.
Bodhan: Wife... son... oh... yes, yes of course. Very grateful
Warden: He IS your son, right?
Bodhan: Oh yes of course. Certainly. Mostly. Sort of
Warden: Great. A mad witch, a murderer, a stupid templar comedian, an omnisexual elf, a dead dwarf, an abomination and now a kidnapper. Shall we just go recruit some drug dealers or... what's that look for?
Bodhan: Well I have been selling lyrium to the Mages Collective...
Zevran: And don't forget that I am also an assassin. Hired to kill you in fact
Warden: Oh yes, bloody wonderful. What next, is Loghain his bloody self going to join our damn party?
Alistair: Hah, that'd be a laugh!
Warden: Let's just... go. I hate you all. Except Leliana
Leliana: I hate you my darling

The group finally arrive at Flemeths hut. Warden, Alistair, Leliana and Shale leave the caravan, with the real mabari.

Warden: This is your last chance Janeway
Flemeth: I am known by many names child, but that is not one of them
Warden: Sign the DVD box set or...
Flemeth: Or what? Has brave little Morrigan finally found someone to dance to her tune?
Alistair: Wait, she can play an instrument too? She could join me and Leliana in a band!
Leliana: This one time, at band camp...
Warden: Yes?
Leliana: We played instruments. What did you expect?
Flemeth: So Warden, what will it be? Will you dance to her tune or mine? Or make your own?
Warden draws his sword
Warden: Let's dance!
Flemeth turns into a dragon
Alistair: A dragon! You made a dragon!
Warden: I didn't mean to!
Alistair; Undo it! Undo it!
Leliana: I was wondering when more dragons would show up, it took ages!
Shale: At least there's no statues around here
Warden: A little help maybe?
Shale half-heartedly picks up some dirt and throws it at the dragon
Warden: Thanks, big help
Alistair: I guess he wanted to...
Warden: If you put those glasses on and say fight dirty I will stab you
Alistair: Well if you're going to be like that you can kill the dragon by yourself
Warden: Fine! I will!
Flemeth bites the Wardens upper torso off
Alistair: Guess that's a reload then

GAME OVER WARDEN!
Load last save or restart?

Flemeth: So Warden, what will it be? Will you dance to her tune or mine? Or make your own?
Warden decapitates Flemeth as she transforms into a dragon.
Warden: Ding dong, the witch is bloody dead
The party loot the dragon then the hut and leave

GAME OVER FLEMETH!
Load last save or respawn from amulet in sequel?

The caravan arrives at the ruins of the ruins of Ostagar
Warden: Well this place is even more of a mess than last time
Alistair: I see dead people
Warden: Some of them are buried in snow
Alistair: Icy dead people
Wynne: Why are we here exactly? I have nothing but bad memories of this place
Warden: Well I hardly got to see any of it at all with that stupid rushed introduction. Now's my chance to explore, loot and maybe get that cool looking gold armour the King was wearing
Alistair: Why didn't he have a crown do you think?
Warden: That's a surprisingly good question coming from you
Shale: It is aware that we're surrounded by Darkspawn, yes?
Alistair: That's weird, why would they still be here? The Horde already moved north through Lothering, why leave such a strong force behind here of all places?
Warden: Stop talking sense Alistair, it's creeping me out
Doggigan: I gave him an intellect buff
Warden: An intellect buff? This isn't World Of Wardencraft you know! Besides, your only buffs are supposed to consist of pissing on things
Doggigan grins. As much as a dog can grin
Warden: Wait... you...
Doggigan: He was standing still, just gawking at things, and Shale was watching me so I had to stay away from the statues...
Warden: Great, well at least you've moved on from trying to ****** *off* Alistair
The Darkspawn charge our heroes, only to be mowed down effortlessly
Warden: Oh sorry, I set the difficulty to easy for Flemeth. It's back up now
Leliana: Oh so that's how...
Several more waves of somewhat more difficult combat later...
Warden: Look, it's Cailan!
Alistair: Why's he naked?
Warden turns around and finds Bodhan trying to sneak off with Cailan's armour
Bodhan: Um... would you like to buy this nice shiny gold armour? New in stock, hardly used! Very cheap with your special discount
Warden: Fine, I suppose it saves us the effort of looting everything ourselves
Bodhan: I knew you'd see reason! Very wise, very wise indeed. Just think of me as your little auto-loot button who takes a percentage of the profits. I'll be sure to stay out of your way, don't you worry. I wonder if I can sell these Darkspawn teeth? Maybe make a necklace...
Some more combat later
Warden: That necromancer just revived the ogre who killed Cailan!
Some more combat later
Warden: What? That's it? It's over?
Alistair: Not quite, I found a chest!
Leliana: Hands off my breasts! Pervert!
Alistair: Sorry, wrong chest. Look at this booty!
Leliana slaps him
Alistair: I meant the loot! Look, King Maric's sword!
Warden: It's pretty nice I guess
Wynne: And there's letters in here too. From... oh my, from the Empress of Orlais to King Cailan!
Warden: What do they say?
Wynne: I don't know, I lost my reading glasses
Warden: Well they won't appear in my journal, the notes section hasn't updated since Act 1
Wynne: I don't seem able to pass them to anybody else either
Warden: Hell with it, can't have been important anyway. Let's head off.
Alistair: Shouldn't we do something about Cailan?
Warden: We could dress him up in a silly outfit, but if we had one of those then you'd be wearing it
Alistair: You can't change my armour, DA2 style remember
Warden: Well then we can't change his either

Alistair: You can't just leave him there! He was our king!
Warden: I didn't vote for him
Alistair: But...
Warden: And why do you care? He sent you away from Duncan
Alistair: You're right, that b*****d! We should chop him up or set him on fire...
Warden: Morrigan?
Doggigan: Shan't if he wants it done
Warden: Then we just leave him there
Alistair: So, Orzammar now?
Warden: Soldiers Peak.
Alistair: You're doing this on purpose aren't you? Now I want to go to Orzammar...
Warden: We could always do Darkspawn Chronicles if you'd prefer, I'm sure you'd love the ending
Alistair: Soldiers Peak you say? What a great idea!

Part 18

Spoiler

Levi: Here we are, Soldiers Peak.
Alistair: How did you find it?
Warden: Well after talking to Levi and installing the DLC a new pin appeared on the map...
Levi: It came to me in a dream
Alistair: Was it riding a unicorn?
Levi looks confused and Warden glares at Alistair
Leliana: It's an incredible sight, so romantic!
Skeleton: ...
Skeleton shrugs and gestures furiously with it's hands
Leliana: He says "I wish I had vocal chords. Oh well. ATTACK!"
Skeleton nods, makes a thankful gesture and then draws a sword. Other skeletons jump up and attack
Levi: Blimey!
Alistair: Someone's been raising the dead... I have a... (sunglasses) bone to pick with them
Wynne: Those aren't sunglasses! Those are my reading glasses painted black!
Doggigan: Two mysteries solved
Warden: Spooky abandoned tower, thick fog and hordes of undead. You call this romantic?
Leliana: Of course! Can't you just imagine brooding vampires being sulkily sexy here?
Warden: I will never understand you
Leliana: Of course not, you're a man
Levi: Can we go inside please? I'm eager for answers to my family's mysterious past
Warden, Leliana, Alistair, Doggigan, Shale and Levi go inside, leaving the others with the caravan. Inside they find the ghost of Sophia Dryden giving a speech to ghostly Wardens
Sophia: You all know the mission and what is at stake. I have come to trust each of you with my life, but I have also heard murmurs of discontent. I share your concerns. We are trained for fighting Darkspawn, we would be legends but the Deep Roads are sealed. Glory in battle is not our way. Think of our heroes, the Silent Sister who became a Warden, or the Ever Alert who discovered how to caffeinate the tainted blood for the Joining. These giants do not seem to give us solace here but they are not all that we are! Before the Blight there was the Taint! Before diplomacy there were soldiers! Before rushed sequels there were great original games! Our influence stopped the Blight, but before that we held the line! Our influence stopped that creepy caretaker who moved out yesterday but before that we held the line! Our influence will stop Arland, in the battle today WE WILL HOLD THE LINE!

Alistair: Hold the line, or steal somebody elses line?
Doggigan: I am impressed, and without the glasses too!
Levi: That was my great grandmother! Did you hear that inspiring speech? But... ghosts and skeletons? What's going on here?
Doggigan: The veil is torn, demons are coming through and these skeleton bones are really rather tasty... I've been in this form far too long
Demon: Attack!
Several waves later
Alistair: I bet there's another wave coming
Warden: No, that seems to be the last of them for now
Alistair waves. Warden sighs
Warden: Hang on, there's other Wardens here now. Ghostly Wardens sure, but what if one of them talks?
Alistair: I'm a Warden too
Warden: Which brings me to my next point, he gets credited by name. I want to be called by my name damn it!
Alistair: Don't be silly, your name isn't Damn It
Schmoooples: I know, it's... wait a damn minute! I meant my real name! Qwerty Cousland!
Leliana: I like that one better
Qwerty: Finally. Ok, now let's move on.
Alistair: Oooh a book. I wonder if it has any pictures
Ghosts appear
Sophia: Demons! Summon us more demons Avernus!
Avernus: I'm trying, I want the scantily clad desire demons though so that I can ogle them while the rest of you fight but all I keep getting is these damn shades!
Sophia: JUST GIVE ME SOME BLOODY DEMONS
Avernus cuts his wrists and summons more demons

The vision fades
Levi: Bloody blood magic! Demons! I can't believe it! That my grandmother would do such a thing...
Qwerty: The Wardens don't have rules against such things
Levi: Still, I thought my family was better than that
Doggigan: Oh yes? You think you're better than me do you? You think you're better than all the mages who've spent more than two seconds outside of a Circle? You think your family, your pathetic wretched family is better?
Levi: Yeah, kinda
Qwerty: Never mind all that, look what I found
Alistair: It's a jar of jam

Qwerty: My psychic powers tell me that an elven princess loved this jam and thus that there's a hidden compartment behind this painting
Alistair: That's just... what? Have you been drinking?
Leliana: He's right though, look! Oh, never mind, it's just a sword. No shoes.
Alistair: Shoe-dn't you stop obsessing about shoes?
Leliana waves him away.
Leliana: Shoo!
Shale: Can we please squish something? I'm getting bored.
They enter another room and find a half decomposed Sophia Dryden.
Sophia: This one welcomes you. This one is the Dryden.
Qwerty: So now you're stealing lines from hannar instead of salarians?
Sophia: This one resents those accusations. This one would however like to offer a deal.
Qwerty: Let me guess, you're a demon and you want me to help you do evil demony things?
Sophia: This one asks only that you go into the tower and destroy everything in there and by that this one means that annoying pervy mage who locked me in the tower until this one agrees to show this ones breasts to him
Qwerty: Thank you, that's probably the most disturbing mental image I'll ever get
Alistair: Just wait till you see the broodmothers...
Qwerty: What was that?
Alistair: Oh nothing
Sohpia: Will you take this ones deal?
Qwerty: First answer Levi's questions
Sophia: Very well
Levi: What's the meaning of life, the universe and everything?
Sophia: 42
Levi: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Sophia: 42
Levi: If a tree falls in a forest and there's nobody there to see it, what colour is it?
Sophia: All colours
Qwerty: Aren't you supposed to be asking about your family?
Levi: Herman was a distant relative. Ok, um... was my grandmother good?
Sophia: She was good at consorting with demons to fulfil her ambitions of power by trying to steal the throne
Levi: Oh. I was kind of hoping there was something I could be proud of
Sophia: According to Avernus she has "amazing ******"
Shale: ****** are birds yes? Where are they? We must squish them!
Sophia: There will be no squishing of this ones breasts! You are as bad as Avernus!
Qwerty: Any more questions?
Levi: Do they have to be sensible ones?
Qwerty: Yes
Levi: Then no
Qwerty: Then we're done here. That's an awfully nice suit of armour you're wearing...

Sophia: Why does everyone try to get this one naked?
A fair bit of combat and embarrassingly awkward undressing of corpses later, they enter the tower with Qwerty wearing a new suit of armour
Alistair: I wonder why nobody ever gave me a Warden uniform
Qwerty: Look at these research notes.... "Day one: left circle tower to join wardens. wrote about it in diary and got a paper cut and turned into a blood mage. this seems like an exciting career opportunity as I heard blood mages can summon demons who dont wear a stitch of clothing on their top halves"
Alistair: Are there pictures?
Qwerty: "Day two, summoned a demon but it was male. very disappointed. it did teach me how to use more powerful magic though so not a total loss." I'll skip ahead a bit. "Day five hundred, fourty-seven. tortured and mutilated another subject for fun and experimenting. turns out tainted blood has more powers than imagined. also tastes yummy"
Alistair: He's been experimenting on Wardens!
Qwerty: There's a potion here too, it says "drink me". Hmm, he's right it does taste kind of yummy...
Qwerty starts shaking and almost falls over
Leliana: Are you alright?
Qwerty: I got new skills! Watch this!

Qwerty suddenly shoots blood from every pore in all directions. The entire party, the entire room in fact, is soaked in blood. Qwerty stands unharmed with a huge grin
Leliana: That's disgusting!
Alistair: That'd be a great party trick
Shale: Almost as bad as pigeons...

The party enter the final room, where they find Avernus furiously making notes in a book.
Avernus: Oh, visitors. Oh good, one of you has breasts. Why are you drenched in blood?
Qwerty: Time to answer for your crimes!
Avernus: Wait! Honestly, have some patience. Besides you need me to fix the tear in the veil.
Alistair: You can do that?
Avernus: Of course
Qwerty: Then why haven't you already?
Avernus: Oh. Good question. Um... oh I know! It's because I was using all my power to keep my dear Sophia locked up
Qwerty: Your defence is that you wanted to molest a demon?
Avernus: Well when you put it like that it just sounds creepy. But yes
Qwerty: Well she's dead now
Avernus: Oh, how disappointing. Although I suppose now she might be less resistant...
Qwerty: Just fix the damned tear so we can get this over with and stop giving me reasons to kill you
Avernus: Oh alright. Let me just grab a few supplies...
The party make their way back to the summoning chamber where a few more demons pop up, get killed and get looted.
Avernus: Ok you need to protect me while I mend the tear. If I die, I'm coming back to haunt you. And spy on your girlfriend when she's getting undressed. Actually dying sounds more appealing now I think about it like that...
Avernus pulls out some knitting needles and some lyrium infused wool and gets to work. Demons spawn.

Demons are killed. demons are looted
Avernus: All done! Also, I knitted you a scarf
Qwerty: Thanks. Now change your ways and only do good research, ok?
Avernus: I will
Qwerty: Well we're done here I think
Levi: I just wish we'd found something to redeem my family name
Qwerty: Instead of looking to the past, look to the future
Levi: You're right! Thank you Warden. In fact I've been thinking of designing some new kind of clothing, I could name it after my genetic inheritance... genes maybe? Levi's genes...

Avernus: Bah, criticise my research will they? Hide boobies from me? Invade my tower? Drink my potions? No, no, this will not stand. I built this tower, me! I designed it, I drew the blueprints
Avernus pulls out a strange golden mask and puts it on

Avernus: I am the Architect! I will have my revenge! Bwaahaaaahaaaahaaahaaaa!

Part 19

Spoiler

Qwerty and party arrive at the gates of Orzammar
Bodhan: We'll just... keep the caravan a safe distance away from the gates... just in case of Sandal's paren... I mean... wild bears
Qwerty: You get a lot of wild bears camping at the gates?
Bodhan: You can never be too careful
Sandal: The old lady is scary!
Wynne: What? What did I do?
Sandal: Boom!
Wynne: I only exploded that man because he was a bandit and didn't use any manners when he tried to rob us
Bodhan: Yes, well if you wouldn't mind perhaps leaving the corpses in a more... lootable state, we would appreciate it
Qwerty: Alright, Alice, Leliana, Doggigan and Shale, with me
Sten: No
Qwerty: What now?
Sten: I always get left behind. I want to come
Qwerty: Sorry but the party's full. Shale provides the intimidation, Leliana provides the sexy, Doggigan and Alistair provide the funny insults that only convince the rest of us that they'll be shagging like mad any time now and I provide, well, me
Alistair: We'll bring you back a gift
Sten: Thank you
Wynne: And what about me?
Zevran: And me.
Qwerty: I need you to guard the caravan, I don't trust Bodhan not to steal it
Sandal: Enchantment!

Sten: The dwarf has enchanted my cookies! Hmm, now they are mint flavoured
Sandal: Enchant-mint!

Imrek: I demand you let us in by the order of King Teyrn Loghain or he'll come here, betray your king and steal his throne too!
Dorf: I'm sorry but you can't go in and our king is already dead and the throne is empty. Well, actually that's not true, there's a dragon hiding inside of it, but there's nobody sitting in it is what I mean

Imrek: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! The assembly would take action if the darkspawn attacked a Dwarven colony!
Dorf: We live next to the sodding Deep Roads you pillock, they're always attacking us
Imrek: But there is a blight and Loghain demands aid! Even though he's denying that there is a blight!
Nameless Loghain Loyalist Soldier: I believe the Teyrn's exact words were "Ah yes, Blights. We have dismissed those claims"
Qwerty: Can we come in?
Imrek: Don't push in, get to the back of the queue
Qwerty: We're Grey Wardens and...
Imrek: Grey Wardens?
Wynne: I KNEW IT!
Imrek: You betra... wait, what?
Qwerty: What's this about Wynne, you're supposed to be at the caravan
Wynne: You complained about the hat. You said I was using the wrong spelling. But something has been bothering me since then... BioWare are Canadian! They use the same spelling as the English! You were just making excuses not to wear that lovely hat I knitted for you! Look, I even put an "R" in now so it doesn't say "gay"
Qwerty: It's still too big, vomit coloured and the R barely shows up because of the colour and is in the wrong place anyway and my name is not Gary. Besides, your argument doesn't even make sense since I was the one with the right spelling!
Wynne: Yes well I am a woman and thus never wrong
Imrek: Look can we hurry this along? I've got a busy schedule of yelling at these lawn ornaments
Dorf: You humans are all racist!
Doggigan: Seriously, what's with all the quotes? I was actually in the bloody game and you don't hear me quoting it
Dorf: We saw the script for Dragon Age 2 and so we're subtlety auditioning for a transfer to Mass Effect
Alistair: I geth that makes sense
Qwerty: Can we just go in now?
Imrek: You are Grey Wardens! You betrayed King Cailan (well, we're blaming you anyway) and did other evil stuff. I am suicidally insane and thus challenge you to a fight!
One short, one sided battle later
Dorf: What? You still can't come in until you show me your Grey Warden identity cards, and then we need to search your caravan for a Dwarven kleptomaniac kidnapper and his hostage named after footwear
Alistair: You don't need to see our identification. Those aren't the dwarves you're looking for
Dorf: Your jedi mind tricks won't work on me!
Shale: Shall I tear it's head and assorted limbs off?
Dorf: But that will. Go inside friend

The party enter Orzammar.
Alistair: Hey, it looks just like Lothering except the river is lava now!
Dagna: Oh my gosh, are you guys from the surface? Have you heard of the Circle of Magi?
Qwerty: Oghren you are fooling nobody by tying pink bows into your beard and talking in a high pitched voice

Dagna: Art department didn't make any female Dwarves, so I'm standing in
Qwerty: In that case I'll be back in a minute, I need to disable my "romance Dagna" mod

Part 20

Spoiler

Qwerty: Ok, I'm back and the mod is disabled. Damn them for not having female Dwarves

Leliana: I was so looking forward to a threesome
Alistair: Wouldn't it be more like a two-and-a-halfsome?
Dagna: Look can you just carry a message to the Circle for me please?
Doggigan: Why would you want to study at the Circle? I could get you a far more interesting position studying for my mother. Then perhaps she'd try to possess you instead of me
Qwerty: We killed your mother, remember?
Doggigan: She'll be back
Qwerty: Then what was the bloody point?
Doggigan: I... um... oh. That was kind of a bad plan wasn't it? Now she's probably going to be angry
Dulin: Warden! I'm glad I found you first. If you wish Orzammar's aid against the Blight you must first help the good Lord Harrowmont take the throne.
Shale: That should be easy, I could easily carry the throne. Where would it like it taken to?
Dulin: Wow a golem! I've only ever seen one of those before
Shale: It has seen other golems? Were they as intelligent and pretty as I?
Dulin: No, not really. It was as dumb as rocks, probably because it was rocks...
Shale: Was? What happened to it?
Dulin: Stupid thing was badly made. Tough as nails unless you knew its weakness was it's eyes. But the damn thing was full of explosive powder. They used to make Casteless fight it just for a laugh. Then the Incident happened
Qwerty: Incident?
Dulin: Like I said, full of explosives and a weak spot, bad combination. Go for the eyes... BOOM
Qwerty: That was an awful lot of effort just to set that up
Dulin: Yeah well, back to business now. Good Kind Lord Harrowmont and Evil Murderous Prince Bhelen are vying for the throne. Lord Harrowmont wants you to prove your loyalty by entering the Provings in his name. If you win then he'll consider you an ally since Bhelen would never work with somebody who embarrassed him so, even though he actually would and there is an optional quest to betray Harrowmont and side with Bhelen and even if you ignore that quest you can still give the crown to Bhelen after... you know now that I think about it, Harrowmont is kind of too trusting... oh well
Qwerty: Ok, we'll enter this Proving then. We're certain to win after all

Proving Master: This is a glory proving for honour and all that stuff! Representing Lord Harrowmont... THE GREY WARDEN!
Crowd: YAY!
Proving Master: And in the other corner... DEADEYE DUNCAN!
A short battle later...

Dulin: I cannot... that was... by the Stone! There are no words!
Qwerty: If you'd just...
Dulin: Of all the...
Qwerty: It wasn't my...
Dulin: You LOST! To Deadeye Duncan! He's never won a Proving before! Last week he lost to a blind nug! And it was just a cardboard cutout of a blind nug!
Qwerty: It wasn't my fault! I just used that cool move I learnt from Soldiers Peak and...
Dulin: But it was a first blood match!
Qwerty: Well I didn't know that!
Dulin: You should have listened to the sodding rules instead of skipping the dialogue then!
Qwerty: Well if they hadn't cut out the conversation log...
Dulin: It doesn't matter! Harrowmont will not stand for this kind of humiliation! We are done
Qwerty: Oh well. Guess we're working for Bhelen then
Doggigan: Typical, you finally get a choice in something and you manage to screw it up
Alistair: It's ok, Harrowmont's lackey's would have accused you of siding with Bhelen anyway despite all evidence to the contrary and then if you helped Harrowmont get the crown he'd decide that because you're not a Dwarf you should be killed and then Dulin would say "Lord Harrowmont, I thought we were just going to arrest the Champion (of Redcliffe)" and there'd be a big brawl and random people from far away who you'd helped earlier would show up to help without any explanation as to why or how they knew you needed help and...
Qwerty: Right. Same damn thing will probably happen with Bhelen too. Oh well. Let's get this over with

A brief runaround later...
Vartag: So you want to work for Bhelen? Well you're off to a good start, humiliating Harrowmont like that. I mean, losing to Deadeye Duncan? Even my great, great, great, great, great great grandfather managed to beat him and he was dead before the match began
Qwerty: It was all part of a brilliant scheme to embarrass Harrowmont and aid Bhelen
Vartag: I'm stupid so I'll believe you
Qwerty: Glad to hear it
Vartag: But Bhelen wants more before he can trust you.
Qwerty: Let me guess, you want me to convince Harrowmonts friends to side with Bhelen instead by showing them forged documents?
Vartag: Good guess, but no. See, Bhelen's been banging this cute Casteless chick. But then the art department decided they didn't have time to make female Dwarves and now she looks like Oghren. Bhelen is less than thrilled. So he wants you to go to a secret portion of the dEAp roads and rescue the Dwarven women from the vault of cut content awaiting DLC treatment

Qwerty: Suddenly I'm glad I sided with you guys instead
Vartag: Glad to hear it. Once Rica's safe and sexy again, Bhelen will help you. And by help you I mean give you more jobs to do while he puts off helping you

Part 21

Spoiler

Somewhere deep in the Deep Roads...
Leliana: Trap ahead!
Qwerty: Could you please start telling me about them before I step in them... pass me the injury kit
Alistair: Maybe we should've tried to find a map
Leliana: We could always ask for directions
Qwerty: Yes, we'll ask the next Hurlock we find shall we?
Alistair: Why not a Genlock?
Qwerty: Have you seen any Genlocks?
Alistair: There's one over there
Qwerty: A Genlock? In DA2 style? We must be close to the Cut Content Vault!
Genlock: Sorry you can't get past me, not without a Genkey
Leliana: Allow me to try my lockpicking skills
Leliana stabs the Genlock several dozen times.
Alistair: Aren't they an endangered species?
Qwerty: If they weren't already, they soon will be

The party charge into the vault and slaughter the Genlock guards. After much killing they begin looting
Alistair: Look what I found! Descriptions for all the items! Turns out this "ring" I found on the way here is actually an ancient Dalish relic which was once worn by a Dalish who joined the Wardens and died in the Deep Roads
Leliana: What's a "Wallop Mallet Mini-Game"?
Shale: There's pieces of me here... bits that were cut off so that I would fit through doorways
Doggigan: There's a talking stick here!
Log: I'm a conversation log!

Qwerty: I found some Origins... common dwarf, noble dwarf, city elf, dalish elf, human commoner, human chasind, giant miniature space hamster...
Alistair: I found the ending of Knights of the Old Republic 2, should that be in here?
Leliana: Is Jade Empire 2 in here?
Alistair: No such luck it seems, oh hang on there's a chest made of Obsidian, maybe it's in here? There's a Neeshka romance...
Qwerty: Gimme that! Now I know what game to play after all this is over!
Leliana: If only we could bring her into Dragon Age
Qwerty: This one I'm bloody keeping! Consequences for decisions!
Leliana: Come on, the cells are over here. We'd better let the dwarves out
Alistair (yelling): WHO LET THE DORFS OUT?
Alistair: sorry
Conrad: Help! Let me out! I'm not even a dwarf or a female!
Qwerty: Then why are you here?
Conrad: I don't know! After my hero convinced me to go home to my wife I expected to get a call from my agent for the sequel but instead I woke up in here!
Jarvia: If you don't let me out right now I'm going to...
Leliana: It says here in the dwarf Origin that Jarvia's an evil murdery criminal type
Rica: She is! She runs the Carta!
Alistair: Doesn't matter, you have to let her go as the option to kill her isn't available yet
Qwerty: I picked up the consequences remember. Screw that
Murder Knife friendship +10
Rica: Can we go now? Some of us have evil boyfriends to get back to
Dagna: And I need to find someone to take a message for me... hey you look like you're from the surface...
Leliana: She's so adorable!
Qwerty: Hang on, re-enabling that addon
One quick relog later
Qwerty: So Dagna...
Dagna: You were too late, it had to be enabled when we first met
Qwerty: You mean when you looked like Oghren? Oh hell
Leliana: I'm sure there'll be other cute dwarven girls. I mean, there's bound to be a dwarf romance option eventually right?
Alistair: Riiiight

The party return to Orzammar where they're greeted by the cheers of every heterosexual male dwarf in the city except one
Oghren: Damn you Warden, you put me out of a job!
Bhelen: Well done Warden, well done indeed. Now I have another job for you. The Carta have been causing problems and...
Qwerty empties a sack onto the desk, Jarvia's head rolls out
Bhelen: Oh, well done. In that case all you need to do now is go into the Deep Roads, find Paragon Branka, convince her to vote for me and come back with the good news
Alistair: We found a Paragon continuity error if that counts

Qwerty: Is that all? Maybe you'd like us to fetch you a pizza too?
Bhelen: Well if you're offering...
Alistair: Ooh can I get one too? Extra cheese!
Oghren: Hang on one sodding moment! If you're going after Branka there's no way I'm staying behind!
Qwerty: You're dead
Oghren: Yeah well... didn't you find anything in the vault that could undo that?
Qwerty: I suppose you could have one of these origins...
Bhelen: Not the noble dwarf one! Really, it was enough of a nightmare for Rica to turn into him while we were... you know... without him being my brother too!
Oghren: Well I don't want to be common either, there's nothing common about Oghren!
Leliana: What about this one? You could be the first Dwarven mage!
Oghren: And have to wear a dress? No, no way! Sod it I'll just pick one of the others at random...

Shianni: Wake up! Don't you remember what day it is?
Oghren: Urgh... oh, hey baby! You're looking pretty damn hot, why not take off a few clothes and cool down?
Shianni: I'm your cousin you perv! And you're getting MARRIED!
Oghren: Wait, what? Married? No! Wait, is she hot?
Shianni: Soris said she was gorgeous. He was hoping to get you to agree to a swap
Oghren: Well... I suppose this isn't so bad then. Wait, cousin? You're an elf!
Shianni: Maybe you were adopted or something... I try not to think about it too much. Honestly, I try not to think about you too much...

Cyrion: Ah my son, I'm so proud of you...
Oghren: Yeah yeah, bring out the hottie, Oghren's gonna start the honeymoon early!
Cyrion: Please just... don't talk until she's actually said the vows.
Oghren: Will there be any beer?
Cyrion: If Shianni hasn't already drank it all
Oghren: My kind of woman! Are you sure she's my cousin? Can't I just...
Cyrion: Please don't finish that sentence. I'm trying to be proud of you
Oghren goes outside where he runs into Soris, Valora and Felsi
Oghren: Well hello ladies... wait are you female as well Soris? I can never tell with Elves...

Part 22

Spoiler

Mother Boann: We are gathered here today to celebrate the unions of...
Oghren burps
Oghren: Sorry
Vaughan: We're here to take your womenfolk!
Felsi: Oh no!
Boann: Andraste preserve us!
Oghren: Nobody steals Oghren's women!
Oghren runs at Vaughan but is attacked by several armed bodyguards. Oghren, unarmed and unarmoured, successfully fights a dozen armed and armoured men, then takes an axe from one of them and throws it at Vaughan where it hits him right between the eyes
Felsi: Oh Oghren you're my hero! Marry me!
Boann: And me!
Valora: Me too!
Shianni: And me!
Soris: Me too! If I am a girl!

Leliana: Bull****! That's not what really happened!
Oghren: Yeah ok, so maybe I only killed half a dozen and only slept with ten elf girls but...
Leliana: Why lie now? About this? What have you to gain?
Oghren: Other than the adoration of every woman in earshot?
Leliana: There's only me and Doggigan here! Unless Shale is a girl...
Shale: Can golem's be sick? I believe I may soon find out
Qwerty: Storytime's over, according to this map we should be at Carridan's Cross
Oghren: Yep, this is it. And Branka's been here too
Alistair: How can you tell? Did she leave markings in the walls or something?
Qwerty: You're not in the party Alice, remember? We had to leave you behind to bring Oghren
Alistair: Yes well if he can pop up at random all the time then so can I
Oghren: It wasn't at random! It was just whenever anyone said anything pervy!

Alistair: You walked in on me when I was polishing my sword!
Qwerty: I really hope that isn't a euphemism
Oghren: I thought you were giving it to the swamp witch!
Alistair: Why would I give her my sword? She'd probably stab me with it
Oghren: You're twice my sodding height and it goes over *your* head?
Qwerty: So anyway... which way would Branka have gone?
Oghren: Doesn't matter, all roads will lead to the same place, just one route might have an item for a sidequest along the way
Qwerty: Then how can anyone get lost down here?
Oghren: We're usually drunk

The party fight through a few waves of Darkspawn and are ambushed by a group of deep stalkers
Qwerty: Why is it that these tiny creatures are tougher than the ogres we fought earlier?
Alistair: Level scaling
Oghren: If you're going to imitate my rules you have to wait for something pervy
Alistair: Oghren if you're in the party it's safe to assume that something perverse is being said or at least thought all the time
Oghren: True enough. Hey did I mention that Branka used to like playing this game where we...
Alistair: Oh look at that, I'm not in the party am I? I'd better go. Bye!
Ruck: My stash! My cave! Go away!
Qwerty: We're not going to hurt you
Ruck: Really? Ruck be nice then
Oghren: This must have been Branka's camp
Ruck: They takes things of paper and metal! They takes the shinies and the words! They takes them to their web!
Qwerty: The World Wide Web? They uploaded them onto the internet? Great, that'll make it easy to find, let's just hit google...
Ruck: No no no! Spider web!
Qwerty: Well damn. I hope nobody's arachnophobic
Leliana: Not me
Doggigan: Alistair is, I scared the crap out of him with my spider form
Qwerty: Alistair's scared of you in any form though
Shale: Spiders... not as bad as pigeons but having webs spun over ones face is hardly pleasant
Leliana: Ok maybe a little creeped out now
Ruck: No worry. These spiders too big to web face. These spiders big as golem
Leliana: Ok maybe more than a little
Qwerty: Right then, let's find those papers and figure out where Branka went

Ruck: Bye bye! Ruck go back to his cave to be mad alone again. Ruck listen to big evil voice again
Qwerty: Have fun

The party take a few steps away from the cave and are suddenly caught in webs appearing from nowhere as giant spiders mob them. Luckily after a few seconds the webs vanish just as mysteriously as they appeared. Qwerty, Leliana and Oghren start hacking at the spiders while Shale just punches and jumps on them. Doggigan starts breathing fire on them
Qwerty: You can still cast spells in that form?
Doggigan: Only if the plot or impending bad joke demand it
Leliana: Spider, spider burning bright. In the forests of the night. Wait a minute, that's not right...
Qwerty: I see

Several battles with spiders, darkspawn, golems, ghosts and...
Leliana: Ghosts and golems? What are they doing here?
Qwerty: Ghosts and Golems? Sounds like some kind of RPG
...and a spider queen later they find Branka's diary
Qwerty: "Dear Diary, went to Deep Roads looking for Anvil of the Void. Left that stupid elf-blooded-dwarf Oghren behind..."
Oghren: I told you I wasn't making it all up!
Qwerty: "since my girlfriend looks like him and is better in bed..."
Oghren: Wait, what? Eh?
Qwerty: "Going to Dead Trenches now but leaving you behind Diary for no good reason except for the players party to know where to find me"
Oghren: The Dead Trenches? Damn it, why couldn't Branka lead me somewhere nice like the Live Trenches Incidentally Filled With Naked Women?
Leliana: Can we go there next?
Alistair: Oh don't worry, I hear there's at least a few bare breasts in the Dead Trenches...
Qwerty: Guess we follow the clue to the Dead Trenches then!
Leliana: Indeed!
Oghren: How do you do that?
Leliana: Do what?
Oghren: Obsess about ****** but manage not to spend all damn day staring at your own?
Leliana: Whenever I want to see a ****** I can just look at you

The party enter the Dead Trenches

The Arch Demon swoops down...
Alistair: Swooping is...
Qwerty pushes Alistair off the bridge
Doggigan: Unfortunately he'll probably survive since he wasn't actually here
Qwerty: There'll be more bridges later
Doggigan friendship +10
...and lands on a bridge looking down at a few billion Darkspawn
Qwerty: Oh crap
Shale: Dragon... and all those poor statues...
Doggigan: That is no dragon, that's the Arch Demon. We must be careful not to attract it's attention
Qwerty: But my mission is to kill it! It's right there!
Leliana: It's guarded by billions of Darkspawn!
Qwerty: Most of them are too far away to stop us.
Doggigan: Do you know how to kill an Arch Demon?
Qwerty: I was going to try stabbing it, that usually works on most enemies
Doggigan: It won't be enough on this one, trust me. Look, it's flying away now anyway
Kardol: Legion! Guard this bridge!
Qwerty: Who are you?
Kardol: Legion of the Dead. My name's Kardol and we're guarding this bridge
Qwerty: From Darkspawn?
Kardol: No, from theft. When it comes to crime prevention it's safest to think big
Qwerty: So you won't be helping us then?
Kardol: Not a bit
Qwerty: Right then. Off we go then
Several thousand Darkspawn kills later...
Hespith: One two, Darkspawn coming for you
Qwerty: The hell was that?
Hespith: Three four, better kill some more
More Darkspawn attack and indeed are killed
Hespith: Five six, fall for their tricks
Qwerty: Is anyone else hearing that?
Leliana: It's kind of catchy
Hespith: Seven eight, they'll give you the taint
Leliana: It's not particularly cheery but it has a good rhythm...
Hespith: Nine ten, you'll be a Broodmother then...
They round a corner and meet Hespith

Hespith: 'ello

Part 23

Spoiler

Qwerty: Wow, you look...
Oghren: Hot!
Qwerty: I was going to say "ill"
Oghren: She has ******, she's hot
Leliana and Doggigan roll their eyes
Hespith: One two, buckle my... wait. no. One two, Darkspawn coming for...
Qwerty: Yes, yes. We heard that the first time. Very nice. Now what the sod are you talking about?
Hespith: I was her captain, her lover and I could not turn her...
Oghren: Hey, she wasn't *that* fat... wait, what?
Qwerty: Lover huh? Guess that explains why she left you
Doggigan: Oh yes, because that was such a mystery, only a lesbian would leave such a specimen of manhood...
Oghren: Have you been peeking on me in the bath... wait, I haven't had any baths. Not that I'd mind either, so long as you did it in human form. Or dwarf. Or elf. Or quarian, I always wondered...
Doggigan: Enough with those references!
Leliana: Seasons don't fear the Reapers...
Doggigan: Not funny!
Hespith: Bye bye!
Qwerty: Hey, come back here! Damn it
Several Darkspawn and a couple of ogres run at the party. Several Darkspawn, a couple of ogres, and several dozen waves of more Darkspawn are soon lying dead
Oghren: Well would you look at that... a Legion of the Dead burial chamber
Qwerty: Looting time!
Ghostly dwarves attack
Oghren: It's undead Legion of the Dead!
Qwerty: They're undead dead?
Ghost: Um... yes? Wait...
The ghosts vanish in a fit of confused existence failure

Qwerty: Well that was odd to say the least. I wonder what's around this corner...
Leliana: Holy Maker!
Oghren: Look at the ****** on that one!
Qwerty: Seriously? I'd really rather not. Please tell me there's a DLC to give her a shirt!
EAlistair: Oh so now you want costume DLC. Earlier it was all "ooh give me the bare breasts, and take your filthy DLC and shove it"
Leliana: Can we please kill this disgusting thing?
Doggigan: Alistair or the Broodmother?
Oghren stares, hypnotised, drooling. Suddenly tentacles shoot up out of the ground and try to grab the party

Leliana: Hey! I'm not wearing a school uniform and this is not that kind of game!
Oghren (muttering): mmmm uniform....
The rest of the party start hacking, biting or punching the tentacles, trying to get closer to the Broodmother
Oghren: Oh I'd like to get closer to her...
Shale picks up Oghren and throws him at the Broodmother
Shale: Wish granted
Oghren lands on her and she screams in panic as he starts trying to grope her. The tentacles retreat from the party and all make a grab for Oghren
Qwerty charges in, thrusting his sword...
Qwerty: Can we please not use the word thrusting in this encounter, it's going to give me nightmares!
...into her belly and slicing her open. The Broodmother wails in pain, the tentacles drop Oghren and she turns into a small sack of loot
Hespith: One Two, I should thank you. Three four, I'll see you no more
Hespith jumps off the ledge down a deep drop to her presumed death
Oghren: What does a dwarf have to do to get some loving?
Doggigan: Taking a bath once in a while would be a good start
Oghren: Don't you swear at me you... you... unless you'd like to join me in the bath... whatever form you like, just as long as it's female
Qwerty: Maybe we should just keep moving. You do still want to find your wife, don't you?

The party enter another section of the Deep Roads and find a room filled with dead darkspawn and dwarves.

Branka: I needed bodies to waltz into traps and spring them. I needed entertainment to stop me from going mad with boredom. And most of all I needed them to stop looking like Oghren! Honestly, is it any wonder I became sexually confused?
Oghren: Well shave my back and call me an elf, Branka?
Branka: You... which one are you? You all look alike...
Oghren: It's your favourite lover!
Branka: Hespith? Rica? Dagna? Nerav? Filda? Jarvia? Lady Dace? Zerlinda? Adal? Nadezda?
Oghren: It's me, Oghren!
Branka: Ah, you. Well I suppose I don't mind if you wander into Carridan's traps and get killed. It's a win win for me either way. Off you go then
Oghren: Well that didn't go quite as I'd planned
Qwerty: I think she may be several houses short of a brick
Doggigan: She married Oghren! Did anyone honestly expect her to be sane?
Leliana: Trap ahead!
Qwerty: I noticed! Pass me the fire extinguisher. And you can lead
Leliana: Me? Lead? But... I'm supporting cast!
Qwerty: You're also the only one who can see these traps despite them not being even slightly concealed
Leliana: Maybe you should have rolled rogue!
Qwerty: But then I couldn't do this!
Qwerty shoots blood out of every pore into every direction. Again
Doggigan rivalry +42
Oghren: If any of that got into my booze and doesn't improve the taste then you and I are gonna have words

A long, long passage of trap disarming, darkspawn slaughtering and Oghren insulting later...
Oghren: I'm just saying, those elf chicks were all over me, begging me to stay in the Alienage but I said no, ol' Oghren's gotta go save the world
Leliana: And how exactly did you wind up back in Orzammar without being branded a surface dwarf?
Oghren: Well you see there were these real hot female twins guarding the gates and when the legendary Oghren showed up they just dragged me into the city and straight to their bedroom for a little horizontal dancing
Qwerty: What the hell is that?
Oghren: Warden if you don't know that then I dunno how you managed to catch such a red hot piece...
Qwerty: I meant what the hell is *that*
Qwerty points at a huge statue thing with four faces
Oghren: Oh that. That's a huge statue thing with four faces
Leliana: They don't look happy to see us
Shale: They look stoned
Leliana: Doggigan! That's not going to make them happier!
Doggigan: It gives me a buff, stop complaining

Qwerty: I've had to deal with some two-faced individuals before but never four-faced
Oghren: Well we're gonna have to face off with this one
Some ghosts spawn, get killed and anvils glow
Oghren: I think Carridan might have been drunk when he designed this one...
Branka: Hurry up and kill it! I want my anvil!
Oghren: It's dead already! Quit your whining and give your Oghren a big old hug! And preferably a bl...
Branka: At last, the way is clear! The Anvil is mine! Mine! ALL MINE!
Caridin: STOP! The Anvil must never be used again!
Branka: No, I must have it! I must!
Caridin: The Anvil creates Golems but it cannot create life, it must take it from elsewhere
Qwerty: You mean it drains somebody's energy or something?
Caridin: It's simpler than that. We put somebody in a golem suit, sit them on the Anvil, fill their suit with hot lava and smack them with a great big hammer
Qwerty: I bet that hurts like hell
Caridin: Yep. It took feeling the hammers blow myself to make me realise how evil it was and change my wicked ways
Branka: There's nothing evil about murder, slavery and red hot lava!
Qwerty: You know I think there kind of is
Branka: Help me kill him!
Oghren: Oh go on, what harm would it do?
Qwerty: Are you seriously that stupid?
Oghren: She has ******!
Leliana: So do I, and I say we stop her!
Oghren: Damn it, now I'm confused!

Shale: You created... all the golems?
Caridin: Shale? Is that you?
Shale: Sebastian Hale actually but yes, I go by Shale
Caridin: You were a cute dwarven lass before I... (mutters)horribly murdered you with red hot lava and a hammer
Shale: A dwarven... lass? Cute?
Caridin: You were my true love
Shale: I... what?
Caridin runs up to Shale and gives her a hug and cops a feel
Oghren: That's disgust... wait, one of them's a girl right? Hot!
Shale: Get off me!
Branka: We can kill him and take the Anvil and build an army of golems and rule the world!
Caridin: I say we toss the dwarf into the lava
Shale: Now you're finally making sense
Oghren: Don't do it Warden!
Qwerty: Sorry Oggy, but I'm not siding with that mad b***h
Oghren rivalry +50
Shale and Caridin pick Branka up and throw her into the lava
Shale and Caridin pick Oghren up and...
Oghren: Stop them! I'll take back the rivalry points I swear! I don't want to die sober!
Qwerty: Oh alright, put him down
Oghren friendship +50
Shale: Awww
Caridin: As you wish. Now I shall grant you a boon as a reward
Qwerty: Vote Bhelen?
Caridin: Ok. I'll even make a crown
Qwerty: Can I have one too?
Caridin: No
Qwerty: Bugger
Caridin: Here you go, one dwarf sized crown
Caridin hands them a crown and a remote control

Caridin: Here. I cannot self terminate. You must lower me and the anvil into the lava.
Qwerty lowers Caridin into the lava
Caridin: Goodbye

In the Chamber of the Assembly...
Bhelen: Finally! Did the crazy b***h vote for me?
Qwerty: Not exactly, but Caridin did
Harrowmont: I will grudgingly accept this despite the fact that I have no reason to believe Caridin could still be alive or that his seal was not forged
Bhelen: See? Such an idiot does not deserve to rule. Or live. Off with his head!
Qwerty: I didn't help you so that you could start executing people
Bhelen: I know but it's a hobby. Now, we made a deal so you'll have our aid against the Blight. Just please take Oghren with you. I don't need the reminder of what my Rica used to look like. The nightmares haunt me still
Alistair: Can I join the party again now? Can I? Please? Please say I can
Qwerty: Oh alright, but only because it's funny when Doggigan insults you
Doggigan: You fight like a dairy farmer!
Alistair: Yeah well... how appropriate, you fight like a dog!

Back at camp

Leliana: So it's time I told you what really happened. You see, there were four of us. Tug, a dwarf, an apostate named Sketch and of course Marjoline and me.
Oghren: Foursome huh? Kinky!
Leliana: No, not like that! Well, okay sometimes like that... but anyway, we were in Denerim...
Qwerty: Denerim? I thought you said it happened in Orlais?
Leliana: Orlais, Denerim, I get them confused sometimes. They both look like Lothering
Qwerty: Fair enough
Leliana: Anyway we beat up a guard, dressed him up in funny clothes and put a dead body on him. Oh and stole from the chantry poor box and nailed naughty underthings to the chanters board
Qwerty: I'm guessing you didn't tell the Sisters in Lothering about this
Leliana: Then me and Marjoline made out a bit
Oghren: Hot!
Leliana: Killed some guards and planted some documents but she betrayed me when I read them and...
Oghren: Hot! Wait, sorry. Is "betrayed" one of those euphemism things?
Leliana: No
Oghren: Shame

Leliana: I escaped and joined the Chantry
Oghren: I liked my origin story better

[Kyrare]

Part 24

Spoiler

The following takes place between part 23 and part 25
Events do not occur in real time

Qwerty, Alistair, Leliana, Shale and Doggigan enter the Brecilian Forest for the final treaty
Qwerty: I can't believe how far it was from camp to here. This is the longest day of my life!
Alistair: Well at least you don't have a daughter, we'd have lost a lot of time having to rescue her from kidnappers again and again
Leliana: I haven't seen any elves yet, do you think they got kidnapped instead?
Doggigan: There's usually some Dalish around this part of the forest, we'll probably run into them any time now...
Mithra: Halt! Thou shalt not pass!

Tattoo unintentionally changed by an unknown addon

Qwerty: You must be one of the Dalish...
Mithra: And you must be lost, Shem. Turn away while you still can
Qwerty: Actually I was looking for you
Mithra: Me? Why? Wait, Sanga didn't send you did she? Because I'm not going back, I'm one of the Dalish now!
Qwerty: No, I mean we're looking for the Dalish. We're Grey Wardens, well me and Alice are anyway, and we have these treaties...
Mithra: Grey Wardens? Why don't you have uniforms then?
Qwerty: I'm wearing one!
Mithra: No that's just a suit of armour, I mean those silly blue and white striped ones
Qwerty: Look, we're bloody Wardens ok? Just take us to your leader
Doggigan: Keeper
Mithra: Fine, follow me. But be warned, there's five billion arrows trained on you right now and if you try anything you'll be taught the meaning of overkill.
Zathrian: I see you bring guests...
Qwerty: Sign my Voyager DVD box set! Please? Please?
Zathrian: Who are these people Mithra?
Mithra: They say they're Grey Wardens
Zathrian: Ah, then I know why you're here
Qwerty: Say "live long and prosper"!
Zathrian: I'm afraid however that we can offer no aid. As you can see, our hunters have all been bitten by werewolves
Qwerty: Do the hand sign thing!
Zathrian: If you truly want our aid... can you stop pushing those damn DVDs at me! If you want our aid, you must find and defeat Witherfang the great wolf. Bring me his heart and I can try to cure my people
Qwerty: And then you'll autograph them?
Alistair: You want him to autograph his people? Oh, is that what those tattoos are?
Qwerty: No, autograph the DVDs you pillock
Alistair rivalry +10
Alistair: Wait, is "pillock" an insult?
Qwerty: Yes
Alistair rivalry +10
Qwerty: So do we have a deal?
Zathrian: I'll even do the damn quote
Lanaya: I am the Keeper's First...
Leliana: Aren't you a little young? He waited until he was that old before his first time?
Lanaya: No, not that kind of first! I am his right hand...
Oghren: But my right hand *was* that kind of first...
Lanaya: I'm second in command, ok? We welcome you, heroes for hire. Save our hunters, before they expire. Don't leave us for dead, like on Virmire

Alistair: You're a poet and you didn't know it!
Lanaya: I am a poet and I do know it, stupid Shemlen!
Qwerty: What's in this box I wonder...
Lanaya: Do not open that! If you do then I and all Dalish shall hate you and your entire kind for all eternity
Qwerty: Sorry, DA2 style. You'll just ignore us looting you blind
Lanaya: Damn it!
Qwerty: Nice book
Alistair: Does it have pictures?
Qwerty: Some gold too
Lanaya hums to herself
Qwerty: This bow looks pretty good too
Lanaya: Could you at least not do it right under my nose? See, now you made Cammen cry!
Cammen: No, I was c-crying anyway
Qwerty: Why?
Cammen: There's th-this girl. She won't m-marry me
Oghren : Girl huh? Wait, are you a boy elf or a girl elf? I want to know whether to go for her or a threesome
Cammen: I'm a b-boy but everyone calls me a g-girl
Oghren: Hmm, a riddle huh? Well that's easily solved, what's in your pants?
Cammen: I have my d-diary in my pocket. And some flowers
Leliana: Oh leave the poor thing alone Oghren. Go back to camp, you're not even in the party
Oghren: Right, just because I'm alive now I should stop turning up when there's a chance for sex? Hey, you know all those fade-to-blacks, I took some Mass Effect night vision goggles from that vault...
Qwerty: You weren't even there!
Oghren: There were girl dwarves locked up in cells! You know what girls get up to when there's no men around don't you?
Alistair: Gossiping?
Leliana: Planning to kill Oghren?
Doggigan: Killing templars, practicing blood magic and asking when we three shall meet again? What? That's what mother and I did when we had visitors
Oghren: They get naked and have pillowfights! Everyone knows that! So I went to the vault to watch
Alistair: And did they have any pillowfights?
Oghren: They didn't even have pillows! Well, their cells didn't have pillows, some of them had a nice pair of pillows I'd like to rest my head on...
Doggigan: Charming. Yet still less annoying than Alice
Cammen: P-pillow fights? B-but fighting s-scares me!
Qwerty: I wonder why she wouldn't want to marry you...
Cammen: And I can't go into the f-forest to prove my worth
Qwerty: Because of the werewolves?
Cammen: T-that and m-my allergies. I'm allergic to being brave
Qwerty: Tell you what, point out this girl and we'll have a word with her
Cammen: R-really? You'd d-do that? T-that's her
Qwerty: A red-head too, nice. Leliana, shall we?
Leliana: Let's!
Qwerty: Just one thing first, Shale?
Qwerty whispers something in Shale's ear
One fade-to-black threesome later
Oghren rivalry +10
Wynne friendship +10
Qwerty: Eh? Wynne?
Leliana: Old perv must've been spying on us!
Oghren: Damn it golem, did you have to put your hands over my eyes right at that moment?
Shale: What did it just call me?
Oghren: Um... gorgeous?
Shale: Even worse!
Shale picks up Oghren and throws him in the direction of the camp
Cammen: Noooooooo!
Qwerty: Oh don't worry, it's only Oghren
Cammen: M-my g-girl! Y-you... I can't even s-say it!
Lanaya: I'd be pissed, but honestly Cammen's so annoying that I actually like you better now. Go with our blessings friends
Qwerty: Perhaps we could persuade you to join us too?
Lanaya: I'm sorry but that flirt option in my dialogue is just to tease you
Qwerty: Damn. Maybe in another game then, if I can resist the shy blue girl
Elora: Wait! I still have a quest. My halla is sick
Alistair: Why's it wearing a pointy hat?
Elora: Halla-ween costume
Qwerty: I'll use my super survival skills to calm it down. I knew those points weren't a waste
Elora: Ah I see, this halla isn't sick, her mate is and she's worried!
Alistair: So we saved them? Halla-lujah
Qwerty: Right, time to go wolf hunting then

Some walking and a little fighting later...
Alistair: I see dead person

Leliana: He's not dead, he's just stunned
Alistair: I think he's dead
Qwerty: He's just pining... see, pine cones on the ground around him
Leliana checks his pulse
Leliana: He's alive
Shale: Pity
Doggigan: We could kill him and take his stuff
Qwerty: Let's take him back to the Dalish camp
One quick trip there and back later...
Swiftrunner: Thou shalt not pass!
Qwerty: I hear that a lot...
Swiftrunner: Evil Dalish send you to do their bidding but we not let you!
Qwerty picks up a stick and throws it

Qwerty: Fetch!
The werewolves and Doggigan run off after the stick
After a short walk they're ambushed by trees
Alistair: Not the trees! NOT THE TREES!
Qwerty: What? They're just trees, what's to be scared of?
Alistair: Didn't you see Evil Dead?
Grand Oak: Hmm what manner of beast be thee who come before this elder tree?
Qwerty: Another poet? Is there a convention here or something?
Grand Oak: Help me please for I have need. Some mad b*****d has stolen my seed
Qwerty: Ok...

Grand Oak: If you return my acorn to myself, I shall help you aid the elf
Qwerty: Where is this mad b*****d?
Alistair: I'm right here. Oh you meant the other one...
Grand Oak: Somewhere, over there
Qwerty: Right. Off we go then
Doggigan runs up with the stick in her mouth
Doggigan rivalry +10

Part 25

Spoiler

Alistair: Another werewolf!
Doggigan: I am not a werewolf!
Alistair: Don't trust her, it's a talking dog! It must be a were creature
Doggigan: You know very well who I am
Alistair: Can we kill her anyway?
Qwerty: Maybe if her rivalry goes up again
Doggigan riva...friendship +10?
Qwerty: Better. Good doggy!
Doggigan (mutters): Go with the Warden she said. Stop the Blight she said. It'll be fun she said. I swear I'd be sending someone to kill her right now if I hadn't already
Alistair: Werewolf!
Doggigan: I am not a bloody...
Alistair: No, there!
Qwerty: Where?

Alistair: No! Were!
Qwerty: Nowhere? Then what's the problem?
Alistair: Look over there! A werewolf!
Qwerty: Oh, therewolf! Why didn't you say so?
Alistair bursts into tears of frustration
Morrigan friendship +10
Danyla: Hi, could you help me please?
Shale: Does it want us to help it die perhaps? I'm sure we could help with that
Danyla: Actually yes. And then please deliver...
Squish!
Qwerty: I don't think she was done talking
Leliana: She was holding out this scarf, I think she wanted us to deliver it
Alistair: Perhaps the golem would like to wear it. Who's a pretty girly golem?
Shale: Would It object if I tore the whiny ones head off and punted it?
Alistair: Or we could just carry it around in your bag with the twenty or so swords, full sets of armour, shields, bows and... Oghren?!
Oghren: What, how did you think I kept turning up?
Right click Oghren. Mark as junk
Qwerty: Now to find a merchant...
Oghren rivalry +50
Qwerty: Anyway my psychic powers say that one of the Dalish Elves wants this
Leliana: Is it just me or are walking in circles?
Alistair: You're right, this does look familiar
Doggigan: I can sense some magic, I think it's confusing us and turning us around
Qwerty: Ok let's go a different direction then
Hermit: Oh no, no no I'm not ready yet! Mustn't disturb me, you mustn't must you?
Alistair: Seems like he's already quite disturbed...
Qwerty: Who are you?
Hermit: Yes, questions! Questions yes! Ask a question and get a question would you like to play?
Qwerty: I already asked a question
Alistair: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
Hermit: No! No! No no no no no! Not a valid question! Go away! I refuse to put up with...

Alistair: Where do babies come from?
Hermit: Babylon! Yes you see I knew that one, didn't think I would did you?
Qwerty: Was that your question?
Hermit: What? Was it? I suppose so yes. Damn it, now it's your turn
Qwerty: Do you have the Oak's acorn?
Hermit: Yes I do, I took it and you can't have it! My turn now. What is your favourite colour?
Qwerty: Octarine. What would you trade for the acorn?
Hermit: Kill the oak and it's yours. Why is your hair pink?
Qwerty: Because I'm a pretty, pretty princess. Why do you want the Oak dead?
Hermit: Why? Why? Why not! Why shouldn't I?
Qwerty: That's a fair few questions isn't it? Doesn't that mean you lose?
Hermit: What? Damn it! You and your cheating methods of enforcing the rules! Fine, you want the acorn we'll trade for it. What do you have?
Qwerty: Alistair
Alistair rivalry +10
Qwerty: A book. A scarf. Oghren
Oghren rivalry +10
Qwerty: A cheese sandwich
Alistair rivalry +25
Qwerty: Or a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle
Hermit grabs the book and runs away. A few seconds later an acorn appears several inches above Qwerty's head and falls
Qwerty: Well that was... questionable

The party return to the Oak, pausing only to fight several waves of trees, darkspawn and werewolves
Oak: My seed is at last returned to me, you've made me a very happy tree
Qwerty: Great. Can you help us get through the magical barrier?
Oak: Through the barrier thou must pass, using this map and compass
Leliana: You can't rhyme pass with compass!
Oak: Oh just go away!

The party return to the magical barrier, pausing only to fight several waves of trees, darkspawn and werewolves
Swiftrunner: Intruders! We will not let you pass this time!
Qwerty throws a stick. The werewolves start to run but quickly return
Swiftrunner: Your stick throwing mind tricks won't work on us! Attack!
Swiftrunner explodes into a billion pieces as he's stabbed but several more waves of werewolves jump out of trees nowhere near strong enough to have supported their weight
Suddenly a white wolf jumps out and knocks Swiftrunner to safety despite him having exploded
Qwerty: I never quite get used to seeing that happen. Oh well, onwards!

Part 26

Spoiler

The party descend into the ruins where the werewolves have made their lair...
Alistair: What are you doing?

Qwerty: Trying to open this secret door. Look, on the map there's clearly something behind it...
Alistair: DA2 style remember? That just means that one of the other fifty five thousand times we see this map there will be something there. And it won't be a secret door, it'll be a blatantly obvious one
Qwerty: I hate that you're right
Wolf: Intruders! Quick, seal the door! You shall not pass!
Qwerty: Anyone else having deja-vu?
A brief and one-sided fight ensues. The party proceed down the stairs and are met by a locked door
Leliana: It's locked from the other side, I can't pick it
Doggigan: It's clearly made of wood yet I can't burn it down
Alistair: It's not made of cheese so I can't eat through it. What? Everyone else has something helpful to say
Shale: I can break it down!
Shale attempts to punch the door, with no effect. Several more punches and even a spinning kick achieve the same lack of any result
Shale: It might wish to stand back a little
The party climb back up the stairs and Shale charges all the way across the room, down the stairs and into the door. The door doesn't budge an inch
Qwerty: Let's see if we can find a way round
Alistair: Help! I think I'm being uploaded!
Qwerty: For the hundredth time, it's not that kind of web!
Giant spiders attack. Giant spiders get killed. Suddenly an even bigger spider descends on the group
Qwerty: Oh bugger

Doggigan: Go for the eyes, Q, go for the eyes!
Qwerty: *which* eyes?
Doggigan: Eye don't know!
Instead the party just hack at the creatures legs and the air around it, which for some bizarre reason seems to kill it
Leliana: Another wave!
Qwerty: How do you sound surprised every time you say that?
Leliana: I mimic how startled Alistair is every time he looks in a mirror
Alistair: Isn't it a little late to turn that into a running gag?
Doggigan: It's never too late to insult you, Alice
Qwerty: Did you hear that?
Alistair: You mean kind of like a roaring sound?
A dragon swoops down, but has the misfortune to clip a statue with its wing as it lands. Shale lets out a roar and charges the dragon. Mere moments later Shale is holding a dragons leg in her hand and there's bits of dragon all over the room
Alistair: Remind me not to graffiti any more statues...
Qwerty: Werewolves, spiders, dragons... what else is down here? Undead? Demons?
Alistair: Bunny rabbits? What? I'm trying to be optimistic here
Qwerty: Well don't tempt fate, I forgot the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
The party descend to the lower levels where they're promptly ambushed by undead and demons. Armies of bunny rabbits fail to join the fray
Qwerty: Well it seems they were guarding this... pool of water
Alistair: It's probably their water bowl. Maybe there's a giant food bowl behind one of those rock-falls

Qwerty: What rockfalls? There weren't any remember. This entire map was one oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other we've been in with stairs leading down into another oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other we've been in
Alistair: Sorry, I forgot
Leliana: Pity there weren't any maps in that vault
Qwerty: We couldn't carry enough maps to make all these dungeons unique. Oh well, into the water we go

A short swim later and... they arrive in yet another oddly conveniently shaped naturally formed cavern identical to every other they've been in
Qwerty: Well at least we can't get lost
Gatekeeper: Are you the Keymaster?

Qwerty: No. We're here for Witherfang
Gatekeeper: The Lady wishes to talk. Follow me
Slightly puzzled, the party follow the werewolf and find the Lady of the Forest
Lady: Greetings
Leliana: I really like your hair... but it'd be better if you had it up, in a bun perhaps. or a ponytail
Lady: Like this?
Oghren appears out of nowhere, stares, then faints
Alistair: Wow...
Alistair faints
Lady: Zathrian has not told you everything
Qwerty (staring): Don't care right now...
Lady: He lied, he will not sign your DVDs
Qwerty: Hmm? What? Wait, what? Lied? That bastard!
Lady: Bring him to me
Qwerty: Yes boobs... I mean, Lady
The party find the stairs leading up and arrive at the other side of the locked door. Qwerty pulls aside a tiny little bolt and the door swings open. Shale glares at it
Zathrian: Why are you leaving? Witherfang is not yet dead!
Qwerty: No but if you don't start telling us the truth then you will be
Zathrian: Alright, it was me who created the werewolf curse! I condemned generations of innocents to suffer for the crimes of their ancestors or biters of their ancestors and could have cured our hunters at any moment if I weren't so selfish. Are you happy now?
Qwerty: I don't care about that! You were never going to sign my DVDs were you?
Zathrian: No. I'm sorry, but... I have a blister on my hand preventing me from holding a pen
Qwerty: You lying son of a b***h!
Zathrian: Of course I lied! Did you think I didn't know what you did to my Captain?
Lanaya: Oh captain my captain...
Zathrian: Is that the only reason you came with me?
Lanaya: Yes. I'm off to the camp again now. Bye
Qwerty: You tricked us!
Zathrian: I did, and I'd do it all over again! Because as a Keeper I am a mage and under DA2 style that means I'm a completely insane psychopath!
Qwerty grabs Zathrian and throws him down the stairs
Lady: Well look who dropped in
Zathrian: More sort of rolled...
Lady: End the curse!

Qwerty: Go for the eyes, boobs, go for the eyes! I mean... my Lady
Zathrian: Oh alright.
Zathrian dies, Lady vanishes and the wolves turn human. somehow they're fully clothed
Doggigan: Damn it, when do we women get some fan service?
Leliana: I've had plenty
Doggigan: Straight women!
Alistair: Everyone's bisexual!
Doggigan: I'd only be bi if the player character was female
Leliana: Could you make a female Warden next time so we can have a threesome with her?
Qwerty: Gaspode's naked and he's the same species as you
Doggigan: Don't remind me, there's a reason I don't stay in this form at camp

ExWolf: Yeah... um, thanks. We'll be off to reintegrate into the human population until one of us gets conned into appearing in the sequel

Back at the Dalish camp...
Qwerty: Ok, quests to hand in... ah you can have this scarf
GenericElf: Thank you I had never thought to see this again I am so grateful
Athras: Hey! No! That's my wives scarf! That's for me!
Qwerty: He had the glowy arrow above his head
Athras: My bow was broken and I said he could borrow my arrows until I got it fixed, but I didn't mean that one!
Alistair: As if we'd trust you with a quest handin anyway, Lich King!
Athras: What?
Qwerty: Wrong spelling. Wrong franchise. Just plain wrong...
Lanaya: Times were dire but our hopes you raised, you've cured our hunters, creators be praised
Qwerty: Tuvok's dead by the way. I'd have preferred to kill Neelix given the choice but...
Lanaya: I guess I'm the Keeper now. Merrill will be soooo jealous the next time our clans meet. We'll honour the treaty Warden. It is after all Halla-ween and that is the time for "trick or treaty"

Alistair: Hooray! We've got all the treaties now we can go back to Redcliffe!

Part 27

Spoiler

A giant frog demon is riding a unicorn and stealing cheese when suddenly the Arch Demon swoops in, eats all the cheese and the frog runs away crying
Arch Demon: Peek-a-boo, I SEE YOU!
Qwerty and Alistair both wake up, Alistair is screaming "mummy, mummy!" Suddenly Darkspawn attack the camp

Qwerty: What a good job I decided to sleep in my armour tonight!
Alistair: That's odd, so did I
Leliana: And me. Despite the assumption that we had sex earlier
Qwerty: Well we always leave our underwear on for that, so why not armour too?
Morrigan: I'm just happy I finally get to fight in human form again
Oghren: I always sleep in my armour. Last time I took it off somebody threw it away because I hadn't washed it in six years. That was, oh, fifteen years ago
Wynne: And I thought the smell was from the dogs...
Shale: I always sleep naked. But then, I do everything naked
Oghren: Wait... you're female... right?
Shale: Oh no. I can sense where this is going
Oghren freezes, staring at Shale. A drip of drool falls from his mouth. Shale punches Oghren, sending him flying into a Shriek
Shale: Disgusting creature
Qwerty: The Shriek or Oghren?
Tamlen: It's me... wait, you're not Dalish! Damn it, I must've taken a wrong turn. Let's see, turn left from main menu and head towards load game then take a right turn at switch character...
Several waves of Darkspawn and Tamlen killing later (that's waves of Darkspawn but only one Tamlen)...
Alistair: Did you have the dream too? The Arch Demon... I think it saw us! What do you think it means?

Qwerty: Well just guessing but maybe it means that it found us and sent a bunch of Darkspawn to our camp to ambush us in our sleep?
Alistair: Wow I never thought of that
Qwerty: That's odd, Bodhan and Sandal aren't around
Alistair: Maybe they decided to sleep inside the caravan tonight?
Leliana: Nobody in here
Bodhan and Sandal pop into existence
Bodhan: Don't worry about us. We have plot immunity
Qwerty: Let's just get going for Redcliffe
Bodhan: But it's still the middle of the night!
Qwerty: We can change it to day on the map

Return to Redcliffe...
Eamon: You got all the treaties? Good, good. Let's go to Denerim!
Qwerty: Wouldn't it have saved time if we'd just agreed to meet there instead?
Eamon: Don't be silly. Let's skip another three years
Qwerty: What? No! That would be...
Three years later...
Qwerty: incredibly stupid!
Isolde and Teagan stumble out of a closet again.
Isolde: These timeskips are even better than viagra!
Eamon: Got to have room to slot the DLC in. Considering how decisions have no consequences, slotting DLC in at earlier points in the game is the only way we can encourage people to replay it
Qwerty: But I unlocked the consequences!
Eamon: You did what? We were going to sell those as the final DLC!
Qwerty: Did we at least come up with a plan during those three years?
Eamon: Selling DLC is the plan!
Qwerty: I meant about Loghain and the Blight!

Eamon: Plan? The plan is to go to Denerim, call a Landsmeet, tell everyone that Loghain is a stinky traitor who smells of poo and put Alistair on the throne as my puppet... I mean as our King
Alistair: What? No! I don't want to be a king! I want to be... A LUMBERJACK!
Qwerty: What?
Alistair: Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of some place that looks like Lothering! With my best girl at my side! The larch! The pine! That talking rhyming tree! Those possessed trees that tried to kill us! We'd sing, sing sing! Oh I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...

Dances from Dance Party by Firinneach

Qwerty: That's enough. You really think he should be king? Are you as nuts as he is?


Alistair: I cut down trees, I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars...
Eamon: Queen perhaps then?
Qwerty: I think not
Teagan: It's him or Loghain. At least Alice is a less dangerous kind of crazy
Alistair (sarcastically): Oh I'm so glad that nickname caught on
Qwerty: You just sang about wanting to be "a girlie"
Eamon: It's settled. Alistair will be King. Or Queen. That we can debate later. For now we must go to Denerim
Qwerty: Why can't I be King?
Alistair: You didn't side with the Templars
Qwerty: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Alistair: Ask DA2

Some time later, in Denerim... the party are in Eamon's estate when Loghain, Howe, What, Whye, Who and Ser Cauthrien enter
Qwerty: Who are all of you?
Who: No only I am who
Qwerty: Why are you here?
Why: Yes I am
Qwerty: What?
What: Yes?
Loghain: Stop that!
Eamon: So good of you to join us Loghain
Loghain: How could I not when you invited every... what are you staring at?
Qwerty: I read my Origin. You're Arl Howe!
Howe: Indeed I am.
Qwerty: I'm going to kill you for what you did to my family! But first could you please sign my Gabriel Knight, Rocky Horror...
Howe: No
Qwerty: Death it is then!
Sten: Not cake?
Howe: I'd rather have cake
Loghain: Me too
Sten: And me
What: And me
Qwerty: We're going to run out of cake at this rate...
Eamon: Enough! Everyone knows pie is better so I got that instead
Sten: The cake is a pie?
Cauthrien: Can I just kill them all now? I'm pretty much the toughest boss fight in the game, I can take them
Loghain: No, we'll just leave and twiddle our thumbs for a bit
Loghain and his entourage depart
Eamon: Well you'd better run off and play for a bit. Come by my bedroom when you're ready for a quest
Qwerty: You're really not my type. Wait, that's Isolde's bedroom too, right?
Eamon: She's staying in Redcliffe with Teagan. It's nice that they get along so well. But that's not what I meant. There's an elven woman in my bedroom...
Qwerty: I'm happy for you, but I don't need to hear the details
Eamon: Oh for... look just come by for a quest alright?
Qwerty: Let's just... explore Denerim for a bit shall we? Let Eamon and his elf have a bit of privacy
Oghren: You go on without me, I think there's a closet in Eamon's room I can hide in
Zevran: My dear Oghren, please do tell me when you decide to come out of the closet

Denerim market...
Alistair: Why are we stopping at every vendor? Again!
Qwerty: I'm not happy about it either...
Leliana: Yes you are, we love shopping!
Qwerty (ignoring her): but we have to check the vendors every damn act for new stuff. See, look at this. A pink bow tie armour upgrade for you Alice, that wasn't here last time. And look at this belt, five stars... hang on, my current belt is two stars but is stupidly better than this one

Merchant: Ah yes well you see the stars are a very complex system that are not easily understood and... oh alright, they don't mean a thing. they just look pretty
Landry: You killed my friend and good King Cailan! I demand satisfaction!
Qwerty: What?
Landry: You're one of the Warden's, I recognise you from Ostagar
Qwerty: Well if you were at Ostagar then surely you saw that Loghain ordered his troops to abandon the King and most of the Wardens died trying to defend him
Landry: Yes but I'm incredibly stupid. I demand a duel!
Qwerty: I hope you don't mean the kind of duel we had with Isabela
Landry: I mean the kind where I stupidly tell my bodyguards to stand back and let you kill me
Qwerty: Ok, fair enough
One quick duel later

Qwerty: Well that was fun. Quick visit to the Pearl before we check up on Eamon?
Leliana: Sounds like a plan
Alistair: You mean to investigate the trap we never got around to checking on any of our previous visits?
Qwerty: Only if "investigate the trap" is a euphemism

Part 28

Spoiler

Qwerty: Alright Eamon, what's this quest then?
Eamon: This is...
Erlina: I am Erlina, handmaiden to Queen Anora
Eamon: Or perhaps the young lady would like to introduce herself
Erlina: My Lady needs...
Qwerty: She's a spy! You've been shagging a spy!
Erlina: I am not a spy! And we have not been... shagging as you put it. I am here to beg for your help Warden! My Lady she is a prisoner in Howe's dungeon!
Qwerty: Why?
Erlina: No, not Why! Howe!
Qwerty: Another good question. How indeed?
Erlina: What?
Eamon: He's involved too?
Erlina screams
Qwerty: Ok. So what was the...
Erlina: No! Not What! Howe!
Qwerty: Oh not again
Eamon: Perhaps you should just explain

Erlina: My Lady she gets suspicious of her father, Loghain. She confronts Howe about it and he calls her every name in the book, and a few from the sequel. Then he locks her up in his dungeon and it is not like a good kinky Orlesian dungeon, it is a filthy place with dirt and My Lady she has allergies to dust! You must rescue her!
Qwerty: Right, I'd love to really but I met this guy in the market who wanted me to pick some pockets so we're gonna do that instead
Erlina: But this is urgent!
Qwerty: Look, she's the bloody queen. We're trying to put Alice on the throne. Her being out of the way HELPS us. Why should we help you?
Erlina: My Lady she will help you. You wish to overthrow Loghain, you could use her help. Besides, if anything happens to her Loghain will surely try to pin it on you
Eamon: She's right. It won't help that I sent a nasty poem to Anora titled "Why Daddy's Little Girl Needs To Die And Let My Nephew Take The Throne"
Qwerty: You utter pillock
Eamon: You can read the poem yourself if you buy the Eamon's Complete Collection Of Crappy Poems DLC. It also includes such classics as "Oh My Little Puppet, Let Me Play With Your Strings", "My Wife's Favourite Safe Word Is Hard To Pronounce" and "Oh Won't You Buy My Pretty DLC"
Qwerty: I really hope there's an option to kill you later
Erlina: You must help my Lady!
Qwerty: Fine, but only because I want to kill Howe
Erlina: You must not put my Lady at risk for your revenge! She still owes me three weeks wages!
Erlina leaves
Qwerty: Can we trust her?
Eamon: She's obviously more than just a servant
Eamon's Closet: They're lovers?
Qwerty: Oghren! Get out of there!
Eamon: This could be a trap, but what the hell, if you're not going to buy any more DLC anyway...
Qwerty: I got the Ultimate Edition!
Eamon: Then we'll release the Super Deluxe Ultimate Edition!
Qwerty: Will any of these DLC involve killing you?
Eamon: Hmm. how much would you pay for that?
Qwerty: Forget it, I'll just use the ToolSet
Eamon: DA2 style remember
Qwerty: Damn it. I think when this is over we need another look in that vault...

Arl of Denerim's Estate...

Erlina: Ah there you are! Quick, we must hurry! We shall sneak around the side of the building and only put on disguises once we've already been spotted and attacked because I am an idiot
Qwerty: I think there's something of a flaw in your plan
Erlina: You will have to leave your walking statue behind. None of the guards are that big, we cannot disguise him
Shale: Hmmph
Doggigan: Does this mean I can use human form?
Qwerty: Nah, we'll bring Wynne along
Doggigan and Alistair: Damn it
Leliana: Awww, so cute. You even talk at the same time now
Doggigan and Alistair both glare at Leliana who giggles at them
Alistair: There is NOTHING between me and Morrigan! Nothing!
Leliana: Nothing between you at nights you mean, when you're under the same sheets...
Alistair: No! Absolutely not! Never! Not even if it would save my life, end the Blight or provide a baby with godly powers!
Erlina: Can we get a move on!
Wynne joins the party and they make their away around the side of the building, fighting one patrol of guards along the way
Erlina: Now put on your disguises and I shall distract the guards by the door since they would recognise you
Qwerty: Why can't all guards be as blind as Templars?
Erlina: Because all the blind ones get recruited into the Templars
Qwerty: Ask a stupid question...

Erlina runs to the guards at the door
Erlina: Darkspawn are attacking! Follow me!
Guard1: Alright then. We'll both leave our post to follow the elven stranger with the Orlesian accent despite the fact that if we had even a shred of common sense we wouldn't trust you
Guard2: She's no stranger, she's a servant of the 'guest' in the dungeons!
Guard1: Oh, I guess we're extra special stupid then
Guard2: Guess so
Qwerty and party sneak past and enter the manor disguised as guards
Qwerty: Ok, try not to seem intelligent and we shouldn't seem out of place. Should be easy for you Alistair
Doggigan: Ha, indeed!
Qwerty: Even a stupid guard might notice a talking dog though, so be quiet
Doggigan: Woof?
Wynne: I'm so glad you asked me to come along with us Alice
Alistair: What? No it wasn't my idea!
Wynne: Shale told me you'd deny it, there's no need to be shy
Alistair: Please just kill me
Qwerty: Soon as the option comes along...

Erlina returns and escorts them through the building, just in case they get lost despite it having the exact same layout as so many other buildings...
Erlina: And here are the stairs down to the dungeons. You must hurry and rescue My Lady!
Qwerty: Yes yes, just looting... ooh look. Grey Warden documents
Alistair: I wish I hadn't lost my secret Grey Warden decoder ring
Leliana: You have decoder rings?
Alistair: It came free in a pack of Darkspawnflakes

The party descend the stairs
Guard: Well well, uninvited guests. We were told to kill anyone who came down here
Qwerty: Well I was told to kill you
Alistair: Who told you to do that?
Guard: Wait, Who sent you to kill us? That traitor!
Qwerty: What?
Guard: He's in on it too? Damn it! Can we trust nobody?
Alistair: Who's "nobody"?
Guard: Who is nobody! Damn it, we definitely can't trust him then!
Qwerty: No, no I was setting up for a heroic line. See, I told me to kill you
Alistair: You talk to yourself?
Qwerty: Oh he's a lumberjack and he's okay...
Alistair: Point taken
Guard: I'm all confused now! Just kill 'em boys!

The guards are less than successful. The subsequent dozen or so waves enjoy an equal share of failure. A naked man walks out of a cell and hugs Alistair
Riordan: I am so happy to see you!
Alistair: Well this is awkward...
Riordan: I am Riordan of the Orlesian Wardens. Usually I wear pants. Since I'm Orlesian I sometimes add a feather boa. But today I wear neither for I was captured by that despicable Howe.
Qwerty: How did he capture you?
Riordan: Yes, I just told you he did. He invited me for drinks and I stupidly assumed he didn't know who I was. My drink was drugged and I woke up without any clothes and in a cell. This hasn't happened since the last time I visited Lady Isolde
Qwerty: Are these documents yours?
Riordan: Yes but I'd prefer it if you found me some pants first. I am rather lacking in pockets right now
Alistair: Good point
Riordan: Thank you for noticing, but it's rather inappropriate to discuss that with another man
Alistair: Eh?
Qwerty: Just take some armour off a guard! I knew I shouldn't have installed that nudity mod until we were back at camp
Riordan gets dressed
Riordan: I will meet up with you later. I need some coffee before I do any fighting
Erlina: Over here! My Lady is in here!
Qwerty: It's locked!
Leliana: Magically sealed, I can't pick it
Anora: Howe had a mage seal it. You'll need to kill the mage to open it

Erlina: I will wait here by the door, you go kill the evil mage!
Alistair: You mean Morrigan or Howe's mage?
Doggigan bites Alistair

In the next room they find some guards standing around a torture rack. After a brief and one-sided fight they release the captive
Oswyn: You took your time! Did my dad want to teach me a lesson or something?
Qwerty: We weren't sent by your father
Oswyn: Oh. Well in that case I'm Oswyn...
Alistair: Owen? Again?
Oswyn: No, Oswyn. Son of Bann Sighard
Qwerty: Well run along and tell your dad we rescued you and he should support us in the Landsmeet
Oswyn: There really is a Landsmeet then? Oh good, I hope I'm in time to buy a souvenir T-Shirt
Wynne: We should check the other cells, there may be more prisoners
Alistair: Does it occur to anyone that despite Howe being evil, some of the prisoners may actually be criminals? That letting them go might not be a great idea?
Qwerty: I've invested skill points in pickpocketing. My girlfriend picks locks. We kill people. It'd be somewhat hypocritical to leave somebody locked up for petty theft or something when we can get xp and rewards by letting them go
Soris: Please let me go. All I did was kill some people
Qwerty: See? Nothing we haven't done ourselves
Soris: They kidnapped my bride. And my stupid Dwarven cousin wouldn't help
Leliana: Wait, he was telling the truth about that?
Qwerty: Off you go then. Run along and... well if you meet anyone allowed to vote tell them to vote for us
Qwerty: Now what's behind this door...
Howe: Not What, but Howe!
Qwerty chops Howes head off and they make quick work of the mages and the waves of guards who jump out of the walls and who somehow fall out of the ceiling
Howe: I... deserved...
Qwerty: Oh shut up
Qwerty punts Howes severed head through an open cell door
Alistair: Goal!
Qwerty: Gaol goal!
Vaughan: Could you let me out please? I am the rightful Arl of Denerim!
Qwerty: Well I was going to let you out until you told me who you are
Vaughan: Oh. I'm actually not the Arl, I'm just... a maid
Qwerty: You're the one who likes to kidnap Elven women?
Vaughan: No no, just a maid. An innocent maid
Qwerty: Why a maid? Is that honestly the best excuse you could think of?
Vaughan: Actually... yes. I'm rather stupid you see. Comes with being a noble. Especially under DA2 rules
Qwerty: Give me one good reason why I should let you out
Vaughan: I'll pay you! This key, this will unlock treasure!
Qwerty: Okay
Leliana: You can't be serious! We can't let him out!
Murder Knife friendship +25
Qwerty unlocks the door
Qwerty: I didn't say he'd still be alive when I let him out
Wynne: There's another poor man in this cell
Irminric: Give this to my sister
Qwerty: Ok. Door's open by the way
Irminric: I'm mad though so I'll stay for a bit
Qwerty: Suit yourself. Let's get Anora out of here

They arrive back at Anora's cell and open the door. Anora walks out disguised as a guard
Anora: The guards here are probably loyal to my father. I must remain disguised until we're safely out of here
Qwerty: Sure, whatever. I'm sure a guard walking around with obvious intruders won't arouse suspicion
Erlina: What about your disguises?
Qwerty: Lost 'em. And for some reason we can't just take more off these guards we killed
The party head upstairs where they run into Ser Cauthrien
Cauthrien: Surrender Warden, and you may yet live
Anora: She would be a valuable ally, if only we could turn her against my father
Qwerty: Very well, I will surrender on the condition that you allow my friends to leave so that they may rescue me
Cauthrien: An interesting compromise...
Cauthrien explodes
Everyone but Wynne stares in shock
Wynne: I removed the chance of compromise because there can be no compromise!
More shocked stares
Wynne: I have a spirit from the fade in me, what did you expect?

Part 29

Spoiler

Shale: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Maker no!
Qwerty: I didn't know you cared about her
Shale: I don't, but I got a bit of her in my eye! I'm suffering traumatic flashbacks involving pigeons, it is most unpleasant!
Qwerty: Ah, I see. Wait, why are you even here?
Shale: I disguised myself as a statue to prove the pointy eared one wrong
Erlina: I suppose it's better than "knife-eared Orlesian b***h at least
Shale: In that case I shall now refer to you as "knife-eared Orlesian b***h" instead
Alistair: Tact and diplomacy aren't your strong points are they?
Shale: Nobody has ever complained
Shale pauses a second for dramatic effect
Shale: A second time
Alistair: Point taken
Qwerty: Nobody noticed that you don't look anything like the statues here?
Shale: Did any guards notice that you looked nothing like any of the guards? Having a green beard for instance?
Qwerty: Fair point
Wynne: Well that was fun. What now?
Anora: I think we might want to leave. Quickly
Guard: We'll... um... just let you go then. Don't blow us up please
Qwerty: What? No capture and daring prison escape?
Alistair: Guess not. Let's head back to Eamon

Qwerty: But I wanted to do Fort Drakon! Capture me! I surrender!
The guards all run away in fear
Qwerty: Darn it

Back at Eamon's estate
Eamon: Warden, you've returned! And with Queen Anora!
Anora: Yes, thank you for rescuing me Warden. I'm going to slink off to my bedroom, meet me there shortly, we have important matters to discuss
Leliana: Not without me you don't
Qwerty: Wonder if the Elf girl will join in too
Oghren: I wonder if there's any roomy closets in her room
Zevran: I wonder if I'll get anything to say in this script
Eamon: Yes, well an important matter has come up during your absence. I received word of another Grey Warden in the city
Qwerty: Riordan? I sent him here, he should be here by now
Eamon: Apparently he was arrested before he got here. He's been taken to Fort Drakon...
Qwerty (cheering): Yes!
Eamon: What?
Qwerty: It's ok, just continue
Eamon: Well I was just going to say you'll have to rescue him
Qwerty (cheering): Yes!

Meanwhile in Fort Drakon...
Riordan: And so it turned out that leaving the Estate removes the disguise, so there I was in the middle of a crowd completely naked! They arrested me for streaking and brought me here
Prisoner: Guess you're stuck here then
Riordan: I doubt it. I am sure my good Warden buddy Alistair will rescue me
Prisoner: What, all on his own?
Riordan: No, he shall likely be aided by Qwerty

Cut to...
Alistair: Can we come in please? We're selling these fine leather jackets
Guard1: Indy-ed?
Guard2: You must think we're stupid
Qwerty: Aren't you?
Guard2: Well, yeah. But we're still not letting you in
Qwerty: Perhaps we could bribe you with this offer of a free night at the Pearl? Just knock on the door mentioned here and use the passcode "Gryphons"
The guards eagerly rush off towards the Pearl
Alistair: Well at least somebody will finally spring the trap
They enter the Fort and find some guards wandering around
Guard: Good day Champion (of Redcliffe)
Qwerty: You know who I am and you're not stopping me?
Guard: DA2 rules, guard patrols just stand or walk around and do not get involved in any fights, criminal activity or conversations except to occasionally stand in the way of the camera to irritate the player
Qwerty: So we don't need to, for example, use a catapult to create a diversion or something?
Guard: Nope. Have a nice day
Qwerty: Sod it, I want to shoot something anyway
Wall rivalry +100
Alistair: Well if we need to make a quick escape there's a new exit now at least
Qwerty: Funny how the guards all ran to the hole to look at it rather than in the direction of where the shot came from

The pair make their way deeper into the fort and arrive at the cells
Riordan: My Warden buddies! I knew you would come for me
Qwerty: Oh for... put some bloody pants on would you?
Riordan: Did you bring any for me to wear?
Qwerty: Actually yes, there were some in a crate on the way. They're marked as junk but better wearing junk than displaying yours
Riordan: You have my gratitude once again Warden
Qwerty: You're a Warden, he's a Warden, why call ME Warden?
Riordan: Fine, I shall call you Schmoooples then
Qwerty: No!
Alistair: We'd better go now
Prisoner: What about me?
Qwerty: What are you in for?
Prisoner: They said I was a thief, a murderer and that I downloaded MP3s. But it wasn't me it was one of the other NPCs who look just like me. Actually it was probably several of them doing different crimes
Qwerty: Considering how many identical NPCs there are I actually believe your otherwise pathetically flimsy excuse. Very well, you can be rescued too
Guard: Ah it's you again. Sorry to bother you, I was just checking on the prisoners. You're rescuing them are you? Very good. Carry on then. Would you like me to escort you out and give you a tour guide along the way?

Back at Eamon's Estate again
Qwerty: Right, we rescued Riordan. Again

Riordan: Thank you again
Qwerty: So what next? Landsmeet?
Eamon: I've heard rumours of an unrest in the Alienage
Qwerty: Aliens? I thought we were doing Dragon Age not Mass Effect
Leliana: Ooh are they Asari?
Eamon: The Elven Alienage. Ever since the elves were declared free people and not slaves they've been locked up in there and made to work for the rest of us

Qwerty: And this is different from slavery how?
Eamon: They complain less and their houses get burnt down more often
Qwerty: I see
Eamon: Anyway be a good Warden and go investigate it. Loghain is probably involved somehow because he's evil and vile and smelly
Qwerty: Off to the Alienage then, but I've a few stops to make along the way. Starting with Anora's bedroom

Anora: Ah, Warden. I have a proposal for you... why are you taking your... good Maker man, put your pants back on! And you, stop fondling my elf!
Leliana: Sorry
Qwerty: Sorry
Anora: I will support you at the Landsmeet if you agree to support me as Queen instead of Alistair
Qwerty: Oh I think Alistair as Queen was just a joke, he probably will be a King
Anora: Doesn't matter, I want to be Queen
Leliana: You could marry Alistair
Anora: What?!
Qwerty: Or you could marry me
Leliana: What?!
Qwerty: Think of it Leliana, I could be King and you could be my mistress.
Leliana: Hmm, I can see that there'd be some advantages to that arrangement
Anora: I can't say I'm sold on the idea
Leliana: Perhaps we could help... convince you
One fade to black later...

Anora: Why did the lights go out when you put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me?
Leliana: I think the narrator was expecting something else
Oghren: He's not the only one
Qwerty: I don't think this is working. Let me try something
One quick log off, downloading and installing of a mod followed by a reload later...
Leliana: Perhaps we could help... convince you
One fade to black later...
Qwerty, Anora, Leliana and Erlina are just finishing getting dressed when Oghren falls out of the closet, having passed out, with a huge grin on his face
Qwerty: Glad that's settled then
Leliana: Blessed be the Maker (of mods)

The Warden and party make a quick call at the tavern to call in some favours from nobles and more importantly to get completely drunk, on the way to the Alienage
Qwerty: There once was a woman, who lived in the sea. I didn't love her but I think she loved me...
Elf: Hey, that's my drunken rhyme!
Beggar: Can I have a coin please?
Qwerty: Fine but only if you get your friends together and be funny
Beggar1: What? But I'm just a poor beggar, not a comedian
Beggar2: And I'm just an orphan
Qwerty: Good start! I'll check back later

[Kyrare]

Part 30

Spoiler

Otto: Hello? Is someone there
Qwerty: Yes. Is something wrong?

Otto: Oh hello. I'm blind
Qwerty: Well yes, you are a Templar so I assumed as much
Otto: Funnily enough that's actually why they gave me the job. Never understood that. But anyway I sense something evil around here
Qwerty: Probably just Doggigan or Shale, I wouldn't worry about it if I was you
Doggigan: Grrrr arrrgh
Otto: It's around here some place, I've been sensing it for hours
Doggigan: Grrrrrrr
Qwerty: Stop that
Doggigan: I'm trying to scare that rabid dog off
Qwerty: The dead one?
Doggigan: Of course not, the other one!
Otto: That's it! Those two evil things tell me the evil is in... the orphanage!
Qwerty: Well that makes about as much sense as the things most NPCs tell me
Otto: Will you come with me? I'm scared of the dark
Qwerty: You're blind!
Otto: Then you see my problem
Qwerty: Oh fine

The group enter the orphanage and are immediately attacked by wave after wave of dogs
Alistair: Is Doggigan in heat or something?
Doggigan: You're going to be attacked by another dog in a second

Suddenly demons attack
Otto: What's happening?
Qwerty: Just listen to the narrator
Finally a boss spawns and dies
Otto: Ah a boss you say? Guess we're done then...
A werewolf taps Otto on the shoulder and asks
Gatekeeper: Are you the Keymaster?
Otto: Yes, why?

Suddenly all hell breaks loose
Qwerty: Isn't this bordering on copyright infringement now?
Another demon spawns but is killed rather quickly
Alistair: Yeah! Who you gonna call?
Qwerty: My lawyer. I've a feeling I'll need one
Leliana: Otto's dead
Otto: No I'm not
Qwerty: He says he's not
Leliana: Well he soon will be
Otto: I'm getting better
Leliana: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a minute
Otto: No I...

Shale stomps on him
Leliana: See? Stone dead. Let's loot him
Qwerty: What was that about?
Leliana: I like his shoes
Alistair: Does anyone else remember when we qualified as "lawful good"?
Qwerty: "Chaotic neutral" is much more fun

The party head outside and run into the beggar
Beggar1 slaps Beggar2 with a trout
Beggar1: Was that good enough ser?
Qwerty: What the hell was that? I said be funny! Beg in silly ways!
Beggar2: Spare some change for an.. amputee?
Qwerty: See? Funny!
Qwerty chops both of the beggars arms off and throws him some coins. All the beggars run away screaming. One sneaks back, pockets the coins and runs off again
Tevinter: Look, this is an official Elf And Safety facility, there's nothing suspicious at all going on here!
Shianni: Oh yeah? Well why haven't we seen any of the patients again?
Tevinter: They're in quarantine
Shianni: Why is there a sign above the door saying "Elves for sale?"
Tevinter: That's... that's Tevinter for "We Cure Elves"
Qwerty: What's going on here?

Shianni: You evil Shemlen b*****d I bet you're like all the others you come here to laugh at the Elves? Oh wait, you're the ones who rescued Soris! Yay!
Shianni hugs Qwerty, who is too confused to even cop a feel. Leliana does it for him
Shianni: Please, these evil mages have been taking our people away
Qwerty: What makes you think they're evil?
Shianni: DA2 rules and they're outside of a circle. Also the fact that they keep kidnapping us
Elf: She's right! My children are napping! They're putting our kids to sleep! Kidnappers!
Shianni: That's not what that means you idiot!
Elf: Help! Help! Think of the children!
Tevinter: Shut up. Everyone form an orderly queue and you'll all be seen eventually
Qwerty: They call me Q for short, but I'm no orderly
Tevinter: Well that's a pity because if you were we could let you in
Qwerty: Hi, I'm Orderly Q!
Tevinter: In you go then
Shianni: Good luck!

Part 31

Spoiler

Tevintwo: Who are you?
Qwerty: Orderly Q reporting for duty
Tevinthree: Lies! Kill them!
Qwerty: That's a bit harsh isn't it?
Some degree of fighting later...

Leliana: There's a note here, I'll read it for you since it won't appear in your journal. It says they're selling Elves
Alistair: They must be using st-elf to sneak them out
Qwerty: I found some Elves
Elf1: Please let us go! We're not sick
Qwerty: Then why did you come here?
Elf2: We're just really, really stupid. That's not contagious is it?
Qwerty: Much as I'd like to punish you for that, it hardly makes you any different from anyone else I've met and besides, Shianni might not sleep with us if we don't help you
Elf1: Shianni? Are you mad? I mean, she's hot and all but...
Elf2: What he means is that she can kick his ass
Elf1: She scares me!
Qwerty: I'm liking her even more
Leliana: Me too

The party free the elves, loot the corpses, crates and sacks then leave
Shianni: What happened? A few Elves came out but where are all the rest?
Qwerty: The Tevinters have been selling them

Shianni: What? What would evil mages from the slavery capital of the world be selling people for?
Qwerty: Slavery?
Shianni: Don't be silly. They must have sneaked them out the back door I never thought to bother watching despite my suspicions and through the houses and warehouses there
Qwerty: We found a key
Gatekeeper: Does that make you the Key Master?
Qwerty: No. Go away
Shianni: Please, find the other Elves and save them too
Shale: Why does it waste time helping these people?
Alistair: Because we're big damn heroes
Qwerty: And heroes get all the girls
Leliana: And Elven girls are hot
Qwerty: Human girls too
Leliana: And Dwarf girls
Oghren: Even golem girls
Shale: Stay away from me!
Qwerty: Hey where are those beggars? Shouldn't they be here with more funny comments? I was hoping for an "arms for the poor?". You know, like alms...

The party pass uneventfully through the warehouse district until they come out into an alley
Guard: Who are you?
Qwerty: I'm Qwerty Cousland, Grey Warden

Guard: I've heard of you! Oh s**t oh s**t oh s**t I'm gonna die! ATTACK!
Qwerty: Well you could have bravely ran away...
Some brief bloodying of the walls later, they enter another building
Devera: Who are you? We were promised the authorities would leave us alone
Qwerty: We're here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and bubble gum doesn't exist in this universe
Devera: But I'm a named NPC! I'm clearly important so don't kill me just yet, I have dialogue options
Leliana: Do any of them involve threesomes?
Devera: Of course not!
Qwerty: Do any of them involve anything other than us fighting you?
Devera: One of them involves me just running away. I like that one
Qwerty: You're smarter than most guards. Fine, I'll let you go
Alistair: She's clearly evil, why are we letting her go?
Qwerty: I'm hoping she'll turn up in a sequel

Caladrius: You must be the Warden
Alistair: WardenS!
Leliana: Wardens and friends!
Doggigan: And rivals
Caladrius: Yes yes, Loghain warned me about you lot. So how about you give me money and I give you evidence against Loghain and you let me leave with my slaves and profits?
Qwerty: I've got a better offer
Caladrius: I'm listening
Qwerty: You give us the evidence, the profits and the Elves. You get out alive
Caladrius: That hardly seems fair does it?
Qwerty: You're right, I shouldn't let you go
Caladrius: No, listen! You take the money and the evidence, we take the knife-ears...
Qwerty: Knife-ears eh? How about...
Murder knife friendship +10
Qwerty: Knife-eyes!
Caladrius: That bloody hurt! I'm a mage, not a Templar, I'm not supposed to be blind! Look, I have another offer. I can drain their energy, kill all the elves and make you stronger!
Qwerty: Wait, I come in here to save the Elves and you try to bribe me with their deaths? Are you that stupid?
Caladrius: Yes!
Qwerty: Tell you what, we'll just open these cages and let the elves finish you off
Cyrion: Thank you Wardens, friends and rivals. Please, take this dagger Duncan once gave me
Alistair: These documents prove Loghain approved the selling of Elves!
Qwerty: When did you learn to read?
Alistair: Duncan taught me... I miss Duncan
Alistair bursts into tears
Alistair: I wish I had something of Duncan's to remember him by!
Qwerty slips Duncan's dagger into his pocket

Shale: There's something I have been meaning to ask It, yet we haven't returned to camp in some time and now I'm sick of waiting
Qwerty: What is it?
Shale: I wish to go back into the Deep Roads
Qwerty: For another look in the vault? I was considering that too
Shale: No, I wish to investigate what Carridan said. It's not that I don't believe him, it's just that, well, I don't believe him
Qwerty: I see
Shale: I think I remember a place in the Deep Roads where there may be some clues. I would very much like to check it out
Qwerty: Well I guess we could make a huge detour since I want to check that vault again.
Leliana: Oh are we doing camp conversations here? Because I've been wanting to sing a song since we met the Dalish...
Alistair: Oh is it Push The Button? Awesome!
Leliana sings...

I'm not calling you a liar,
Just don't lie to me,
I'm not calling you a bad game,
Just don't play with me.
I'm not calling you a sequel,
So stop importing me,
And I mock you so much,
I'm gonna write a
Paro-dy.

There's a game on my drive
And its flaws make me weep
It’s not even half as good as Origins,
As it not as deep
Then it lies, then it lies with false choices

To all,
To all,
To all, the same result.
Oh but for the funny banter I go on,
And when you remind me of what you’re not, I’m sad enough to cry...

Qwerty: That was beautiful
Alistair: I liked my idea better

Part 32

Spoiler

The party are once again wandering through the Deep Roads
Alistair: So I was thinking, since everyone likes Leliana's Song...
Qwerty: If you're trying to sell more DLC I will stab you
Alistair: I meant the actual song. That she sang. People like singing
Qwerty: Your point?
Alistair: We should make this a musical!
Qwerty: You're insane
Alistair: Think about it! It'd go something like...

Loghain: A teryn's gotta do what a teryn’s gotta do
Don’t plan the plan if you can’t follow through
All that matters: taking matters into your own hands
Soon I’ll control everything, my wish is your command

Alistair: Stand back everyone, nothing here to see
Just imminent danger, in the middle of it...
Qwerty: Me!

Alistair and Qwerty: Yes, Grey Warden's are here, hair blowing in the breeze
And the day needs our saving expertise

Alistair: An heir's gotta do what an heir’s gotta do
Seems the Blight ends with me ruling you
The only doom that’s looming is the Archdemons breath
So I’ll give you a sec to spawn demon babies to stop my death

Morrigan (sarcastic): Thank you royal bastard, I don’t think I can
Explain how important it was that you finally be a man
Now I'm pregnant, just like in Stargate and Farscape
'Tis time to make my escape

Qwerty: First, that's just ridiculous. Second, it contains spoilers of things that may or may not happen
Alistair: Oh but everyone knows about that anyway
Qwerty: And thirdly we're not doing it
Alistair: Balls

They arrive at the vault
Qwerty: Right, let's search this place from top to bottom. Oh and if anyone finds a spare heir so we can get rid of Alistair...
Leliana: I thought we were going to marry Anora?
Qwerty: Just in case she stabs us in the back
Alistair: I found companion armour! I can finally change into some clean clothes!
Leliana: Oh thank the Maker! I can wear some different shoes at last!
Doggigan: I don't suppose there's anything to increase the party size so I could go human again?
Qwerty: No but there's a shapeshifting specialisation manual, you could be a spider or a bear instead
Doggigan: I'll stick with the dog. At least I've experience at being a b***h
Qwerty: Ah ha! I found it!
He proudly displays what looks like a swiss army knife
Alistair: Antivan army knife perhaps?
Leliana: Or Orlesian
Qwerty: It's the ToolSet!
Alistair: Oh no
Qwerty: Oh yes!
Alistair: Be careful with that thing!
Qwerty: I've a feeling it will come in extremely handy later
Leliana: Wait, how have we been using mods when that was locked up in here?
Qwerty: There's some very talented modders out there. And we appreciate their efforts very much
Shale: Are we done here now? Can we get to more important things like my companion quest?
Qwerty: Fine, fine. Lead the way

A short trip via the map later they end up in yet another identical portion of the Deep Roads...
Qwerty: At least we'll never have to come here ever again after this
Several thousand packs of Darkspawn later...

Shale: Here we are, a sign saying... oh. Caridin was telling the truth after all. Can it please not tell the pervy dwarf about this?
Qwerty: Well this was clearly time well spent
Alistair: Landsmeet time?
Qwerty: Landsmeet
Alistair: An heir's gotta do, what...
Qwerty: Shut up
Alistair (muttering): Listen close to Alistair's heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground...

The party return to Denerim and enter the Royal Palace
Alistair: It's hopeless, we've lost
Qwerty: What are you talking about? We're winning. We go into the next room, turn everyone against Loghain and lead the united armies against the Darkspawn
Alistair: Loghain expects the taint then I shall give it to him! Maker help us all! The rite belonged to Avernus, a man the Champion (of Redcliffe) is familiar with. I put aside his research as too dangerous – but things have changed.
Qwerty: Why are you doing this? We're winning you pillock!
Doggigan: Guess this is why we had to get that song out of the way earlier...
Alistair mutates into a taint monster and fights the party
Alistaint: Ha ha ha! Foolish Warden! When I taught you the secret Grey Warden skills I deliberately left flaws in your style! Holes in your defence that only I would know how to exploit!
Qwerty: What? You never taught me anything!
Alistaint: Damn it, I knew I forgot to do something
Qwerty: You wanted something to remember Duncan by?
Qwerty pulls out Duncan's dagger
Qwerty: Well here you bloody go!
Qwerty leaps up onto Alistaint's head and stabs the dagger through his skull. Alistaint collapses, dead, his last words...
Alistaint: I love you Duncan....
Qwerty: Well you know what they say. Heir today, gone tomorrow
Leliana: To heir is human
Doggigan: What an idiot
Qwerty: Indeed. I guess you can go human for a while now
Morrigan: Finally!
Qwerty: And now to deal with Loghain...

Part 33

Spoiler

The party enter the Landsmeet and find Eamon and Loghain locked in argument already
Loghain: I have every right! The Wardens are harbouring Orlesians and I intent to root them out before they infect this kingdom!
Eamon: Orlesians! Where do you not see Orlesians? Our people cannot sneeze without you accusing them of corruption!
Loghain: Do not trifle with me Eamon, my patience is at an end!
Sten: Trifle? I prefer cake
Eamon: A wonder that I never saw it begin!
Loghain: What I have done is protect the people of this kingdom time and again! What I have done is protect the Wardens from their own taint and their own stupidity! And I will not stop doing it! I will not lower our guard! I dare not!
Qwerty: This fighting needs to stop! The kingdom must be united against the Blight!
Loghain: What other option do we have? Tell me Warden that you have not seen with your own eyes what they can do, heard the lies of Orlesians that seek power! Your own girlfriend was almost killed by an Orlesian's manipulations!
Qwerty: You can't use the actions of some to condemn them all! Besides, the Orlesians have nothing to do with this you bloody nutjob!
Riordan: You would cast us all as villains but it is not so!
Loghain: I know, and it breaks my heart to do it but we must be vigilant! If you cannot tell me another way then do not brand me a tyrant!

Qwerty: There's lots of other ways. There's the way where you pull your head out of your arse, admit the charges against the Wardens are false and turn yourself in for conspiracy, treason and being stark raving mad. Or there's the way where we grudgingly put our differences aside and unite our armies against the Blight and resolve this later, or the way were I lop your head off and everybody cheers
Loghain: Turn myself in? For your crimes? I think not. It was the Grey Wardens who led our King into a death trap at Ostagar all so that their Orlesian allies could invade when our armies were weakened and demoralised!
Qwerty: The Blight is the enemy here, not the Orlesians! Oh and by the way, how's your slave business going? Getting a good price for all those Elves?
Loghain: Such things are necessary in times of war but it's not like any of the nobles care about elves anyway is it?
Qwerty: But they might care about, oh, poisoning Arl Eamon?
Loghain: I had nothing to do with that
Qwerty: Funny, Jowan and Irminric, the Templar you took him away from, said otherwise
Grand Cleric: The Maker does not take kindly to this news Loghain
Loghain: Um... you kidnapped my daughter! Yes, our beloved Queen is being held captive by the evil Orlesian conspiring Wardens!
Anora: No I'm not
Loghain: Balls, this isn't going well is it? Well... you murdered Arl Howe!
Eamon: Oh come on Loghain, everybody hated Howe, you're just helping our case now
Loghain: Damn it!
Grand Cleric: Enough! We shall take a vote
Everyone: We support the Warden!
Loghain: Well I don't!
Grand Cleric: Well I guess you'll have to settle it in a duel then
Qwerty: What? But we won
Grand Cleric: Don't be silly. Go on, duel away
Anora: Father you don't have to do this

Loghain: My own daughter falls prey to the influence of Orlesians! You all have! You're all weak! Allowing the Orlesians to control your minds with their sexy exotic accents, to turn you against me! But I don't need any of you! I will protect this kingdom myself!
Anora: You'll have to go through me!
Loghain: Idiot girl, just like all the others
Qwerty: Anora, you're not fighting him for me
Anora: Can I at least slap him? He never did give me enough pocket money
Qwerty: Fine

Anora slaps Loghain with enough force to send him flying across the room. Loghain snarls and pulls out a sword... which on closer inspection actually resembles a giant Swiss Orlesian Army Knife
Qwerty: You made a sword from a toolset?
Loghain laughs and uses the toolset to bring statues, furniture and ornaments to life, then inexplicably jumps onto a balcony and poses watching the battle. The party fight through the normally inanimate objects and Loghain jumps down, gets hit a few times and then retreats and goes back to posing while they fight the furniture
Leliana: I guess we're turning the tables on him!
Qwerty: I think I just killed his chairman!
One of the statues lunges towards Sandal and Bodhan who are watching from the sidelines
Bodhan: You no take Sandal!
Qwerty decapitates the statue before it gets close. Loghain jumps down again, realises his allies are all dead and finds all weapons pointed at him
Loghain: Um...
Riordan: Wait! We can make him a Warden!
Qwerty: Ha yes, good one. Maybe not the best time for jokes though
Riordan: No, I was serious
Qwerty: Ah, you're applying for the position of idiot now Alice is dead then?
Riordan: At least it's better than being the streaker
Qwerty: Fair enough
Anora: The joining is dangerous, we all know this somehow despite it being a huge secret. If my father dies then justice is served
Qwerty: Yes and if he survives then he's alive.
Anora: He's the Hero of the River Dane! And he voiced a famous vampire!

Grand Cleric: He's not the vampire, he's a very naughty boy!
Riordan: Trust me Qwert, I have something to tell you later, in private that will make you change your mind
Qwerty: Why do men keep hitting on me?
Leliana: It's the pigtails
Riordan: That's not what I meant! Let's just say that being a Warden might be even more of a punishment than killing him
Qwerty: Fine, but I reserve the right to stab him later if I change my mind
Anora: Fair enough
Riordan: Good call
Loghain: Do I have no say in this?
Qwerty: No, not really
Loghain: Oh, alright then
Eamon: Now we just need to address who should be king. I think since poor Alistair is dead that the crown should go to his secret twin brother... um... Alis...two. Alistwo!
Qwerty: That's a puppet. I can see the strings
Eamon: How is that any different from Alistair?
Qwerty: I shall be king, ruling alongside Queen Anora and Queen Leliana

Eamon: You can't have two wives!
Qwerty: Anora, can the king make the law or can he not?
Anora: The three of us shall marry and rule jointly
Qwerty: I love the toolset!
Eamon: But... what about my puppet?

Varric: And then they all lived happily ever after
Cassandra: What? That wasn't an ending!
Varric: I know. DA2 style remember
Cassandra: I don't care. You say the Champion (of Redcliffe) found not just one toolset but also took the one from Loghain. He must have been able to make his own ending
Varric: Fine, fine. We're already about fifty times longer than DA2 actually is anyway. You want an ending, you shall have it

Qwerty and company arrive in Redcliffe
Riordan: The Darkspawn are attacking Denerim!
Qwerty: What? We just came from there! Why'd you bring us here?
Riordan: Because I'm an idiot and assumed they'd attack a small town nobody cares about rather than the capital city especially if we moved all our armies away from the more appealing target. Oh by the way, the Arch Demon is in Denerim
Qwerty: Fine, let's go back there right away
Eamon: We'll go tomorrow
Riordan: Qwerty, Loghain, do either of you know how to kill an Arch Demon?
Loghain: Not really
Qwerty: Stab it?
Riordan: A Grey Warden must kill it. It contains the soul of an Old God
Qwerty: Cthulhu?
Loghain: C'thun?
Riordan: No. But when it dies, that soul will pass into the nearest tainted creature. If it is not slain by a Warden it will go to another Darkspawn and make a new Arch Demon
Qwerty: Even though they're not a dragon?
Riordan: Shush. If it is killed by a Warden then the Wardens soul will fight the Old God soul and both will be destroyed. Only then will the Blight end
Loghain: So that's why you spared me
Riordan: What? No. I spared you so we could assign you to a post in Orlais. I shall kill the Arch Demon

Loghain: Orlais?! No! Kill me! Anything but that!
Qwerty: I have to say, I like this plan
Loghain: Please no!
Riordan: I told you

Qwerty retreats to his bedroom where he finds Morrigan, Sten, Oghren, Zevran, Gaspode, Bodhan and Sandal
Oghren: Congratulations on your impending marriage! This is your bachelor party!
Qwerty: Oghren, why are you still in your old armour? Aren't you going to get changed like everyone else?
Oghren: Are you nuts? I already changed my clothes a few years ago, why would I do it again so soon?
Morrigan: I'm the stripper. These candles and magic circles are just... party decorations
Qwerty: Um...

Morrigan: I believe it's traditional for you to sleep with the stripper?
Qwerty: I think that's just a stereotype... besides Leliana would kill me
Morrigan: Damn. Right, you lot ****** off
Oghren: Can I at least take the booze with me?
Zevran: But I'm a stripper too!
Sten drags everyone out
Morrigan: Look, I know all about the Arch Demon and Warden death pact thing. Mother told me all about it. And there is a way around it. Sleep with me
Qwerty: I know I'm sexy but this is getting ridiculous
Morrigan: Oh for... I'm actually telling the truth this time! Probably for the first time ever! I want to have your baby so it will save your life, end the blight and not have you die
Qwerty: Fine but only if Leliana can join in
Morrigan: Oh alright

Part 34 (No images sadly)

Spoiler

Qwerty: We're cornered. The Darkspawn know it, you know it. But this is bigger than the taint, the blight. Oh sod it, this is a crappy speech anyway. WHO WANTS TO KICK SOME ARSE?
Soldiers: HOORAY!
Qwerty: To Denerim!
Anora: Warden...
Qwerty: We're engaged, I think you should call me Qwerty now
Anora: Qwerty then. I heard about your night with Morrigan...
Qwerty: Who told you?
Anora: No he didn't, he was locked up for conspiring with Howe. When I said I heard about perhaps I should have just said "heard". You were very noisy

Qwerty: Ah
Anora: I just wondered, since she's having your demon baby is she going to be marrying us as well? I'm going to need to order a bigger bed if so
Qwerty: Tempting but she says she's leaving after the Blight
Anora: Right, just the four of us then
Qwerty: Four?
Anora: You weren't going to exclude Erlina were you? We can't marry her obviously, that would be a scandal...
Qwerty: Right, because that would make it scandalous... threesomes, demon babies and such are just perfectly normal
Anora: You'd be surprised
Oghren: Did somebody say the magic word?
Qwerty: Nobody mentioned alcohol
Oghren: Threesomes! So, you two and me?
Anora: Maker, no! I do have some standards even with this mod enabled
Oghren: Damn it, Dwarves need love too you know! Or at least a good rutting. Hey, do you think we could swing by the Spoiled Princess Inn on the way? I hear Felsi, my ex-fiance is working there nowdays, I'd bet she's been missing Oghren something rotten
Qwerty: We're on the way to save the world from Darkspawn and you want to make a stop on the way to chat up a girl?
Oghren: Yep
Qwerty: Can't blame you, fine we'll do it
Wynne: Are we doing companion quests again then? Because there's an old student of mine...
Qwerty: No! Unless this student is a cute girl then I'm not interested
Wynne: He's an elf, so sort of girly
Zevran: I heard that! Granted I didn't take offense at it, but I haven't exactly had a lot of dialogue so far so I thought I'd say something
Alistair: And there was this amulet my mother gave me...
Qwerty: You're dead!
Alistair: It wasn't my time
Qwerty: DA2 rules again?
Alistair: Yep
Qwerty waves the toolset
Alistair: Damn
Alistair vanishes in a fit of being dead still
Qwerty: I love this thing

As the armies travel along the beach between Redcliffe and the Spoiled Princess a man jumps out in front of them
Taliesen: The name's Taliesen, as in Taliesen's group of Antivan Crows. The folk you killed a few years back. Now you're going to die for what you done.
Qwerty: You and a couple of friends against me, my armies and...
Zevran: Me. Sorry but I'm siding with the Warden
Taliesen: But I'm your Tali...!
Morrigan: You are not Tali!
A ridiculously short and one sided fight ensues
Qwerty: Not even any decent loot. What a let down

The armies arrive at the Spoiled Princess. Qwerty, Oghren, Leliana, Shale and a reluctant Doggigan enter
Doggigan (muttering): Insisting I turn into a dog, and in my condition. Just so you can bring the dwarf along...
Oghren: Hello Felsi! Your dreams have all come true!
Felsi: Really? You mean that Oghren was eaten by a dragon and the Assembly voted to make me a Paragon? And they're giving me a unicorn?
Qwerty: I think she missed you
Felsi throws a mug at Oghren
Felsi: Nope, I don't miss
Qwerty: Ok I like her. Think we'd still need a larger bed to fit a Dwarf as well?
Oghren: Hey, she's mine!
Felsi: Oghren I wouldn't have anything to do with you even if you were the last Dwarf alive
Oghren: If I told you that you had a nice body would you let me grope it?
Qwerty: That was dw-awful

Felsi: You're a disgusting pig and, no I'm sorry that was too harsh. I should apologise to the pigs
Oghren: So, rivalry romance then?
Felsi: Looks like it
Felsi slaps him, kisses him and then plants a knee to the groin
Oghren: Just like old times!
Qwerty: You know what, I think our bed's too small. She's all yours Ogroin

As they leave the inn Sten confronts them

Sten: No
Qwerty: No what?
Sten: Why do we keep stopping? Do you plan to wait for the Arch Demon to die of bordom?
Qwerty: You think it will? I suppose we could get some drinks and maybe have a picnic
Sten: Will there be cake?
Qwerty: Sure
Sten: Very well. The Arch Demon can wait. I was wrong about you, you are worthy of respect
Qwerty: It's fruit cake, is that alright?
Morrigan: With the company you keep he should be used to fruitcakes anyway
Sten takes some cake and manages to eat it without breaking his scowl

Part 35 (No images sadly)

Spoiler

The army arrives at Denerim and finds the city already in flames
Eamon: I'm glad I renewed my fire insurance this year, aren't you Alistwo?
Anora grabs the puppet from Eamon and throws it into the flames
Eamon: Noooooooo! Alistwo nooooo!
Teagan: Oh stop it Eamon, you're embarrassing me!
Eamon: But that was my favourite Alistair! That one never even complained when I shoved my hand up his...
Teagan: I thought it was a string puppet?
Eamon: I like puppets that go both ways, then Isolde can play with them too
Qwerty: Remind me never to visit Redcliffe Castle ever again
The Darkspawn run out and attack the armies, who stop standing around and start fighting
Alistair: Can I stop being dead now please?
Qwerty (waving the toolset): No
Morrigan casts animate dead on Alistair
Alistair: Oh great, so now I'm a skeleton
Morrigan: At least you've lost weight
Riordan: Press forward!

Qwerty: That would be the W key?
Riordan: What?
Qwerty: You know, WASD
Riordan: What?
Qwerty: Nevermind
Alistair: See I'd have gotten the joke. But I'm still pissed at you for killing me
Qwerty: You mutated into a taint monster and attacked us
Alistair: Oh right, I forgot about that
Riordan: I suggest taking Loghain and no more than two others with you into the city. Anyone you don't bring with you can remain here to prevent more darkspawn from entering Denerim on our tails
Morrigan: I no longer have a tail
Leliana: But I have many tales
Qwerty: How are we supposed to fight the Arch Demon when it's flying up there?
Riordan: I suggest we find a high point in the city, the tower of Fort Drakon. But this is actually completely irrelevant since my plan involves forcing the dragon to land and it may not necessarily chose the highest location and might instead land anywhere in the city
Qwerty: Why do I never meet anybody with good plans?
Alistair: I have a cunning plan!
Riordan: There are also two darkspawn generals in the city you may want to kill but don't have to although really you do have to kill at least one but it's wise to kill both even though leaving one alive will have no noticeable effect on the battle with the Arch Demon. Understood?
Qwerty: I get the general idea
Alistair: Ha, good one!
Riordan: Who will you take with you into the city?
Qwerty: Leliana, Shale and Morrigan
Riordan: Fair enough, even though I recommended taking Loghain I will make no attempt to change your mind, mostly because I do not have a mind myself and so do not know how to change one
Oghren: That reminds me, how many Grey Wardens does it take to change a lightbulb?
Riordan: What's a lightbulb?
Oghren: I dunno, a candle then
Riordan: I don't know, how many Grey Wardens does it take to change a candle?
Oghren: Actually I don't know that either, I was drunk when somebody told me the joke and I passed out before the punchline
Riordan: Anyway, all those left behind shall guard the gates. Who shall lead them?
Qwerty: Gaspode
Loghain: What? I'm to take orders from a dog?
Qwerty: Yep
Loghain: Can I please be executed instead?
Qwerty: Nope
Sten: The dog is a fierce warrior, I shall respect his leadership
Oghren: After marriage to Branka I'm used to being bossed around by a b***h

Wynne: Have the darkspawn destroyed the chantry yet? Can I blow it up? Please?
Shale: I would not have thought I would say this but... I am glad I am going with it. And not just because the pervy dwarf who keeps staring at my behind is being left behind
Oghren: Heh, you said "behind". Twice
Zevran: And what of me? I am a skilled assassin and masseuse, why am I to be neglected once again?
Qwerty: Your job is to give Loghain a massage after the battle. I'm sure he'd enjoy it
Loghain: Well I suppose my muscles do get a bit tense... why are you suddenly trying to be nice to me?
Qwerty: Oh no reason
Gaspode: *bark*
Qwerty: Be a good boy and I'll let you eat Alistair's ribs
Alistair: Hey!

Leliana: We stand on the precipice, before the greatest battle of our age... now that I think about it that is an awfully strong premonition of how much of a disappointment the sequel will be isn't it? But never mind that, I wonder if the heroes of old ever felt like this
Leliana gropes Qwerty
Qwerty: Um... I'm sure some of them... felt something similar
Leliana: Well if any of them or anyone else try to feel this you had better be willing to share them with me!
Leliana winks
Qwerty: Maybe we should get the general in the Alienage, see if Shianni will be... grateful for our aid?
Leliana: Good idea!

The party make their way into the city
Soldier1: Kill those godless bastards!
Soldier2: That's a bit extreme isn't it? I'm an atheist myself, you want to kill me too?
Soldier1: Actually yes, but nothing to do with religion, just because you shagged my girlfriend
Soldier2: I told you, Isabela is not your girlfriend, she's everybody's girlfriend. She'd probably even shag the Arch Demon
Soldier3: Hah I bet that's the real reason the darkspawn came to Denerim!
Soldier2: Nah, she's gone to Kirkwall now
Soldier4: We're counting on you Warden!
Soldier5: Seven, eight, nine, ten... Warden could you take your boots off please so we can count to twenty?
Soldier6: Maker watch over you!
Soldier7: If I was the Maker I'd be watching under, that way I could look up his girlfriends dress!
Leliana: It looks like the market is being destroyed
Qwerty: Those sodding merchants ripped me off too many times, let's leave them and go help the elves

Riordan stands atop a tower, watching the Arch Demon fly past. He takes aim, runs to the edge and leaps... missing the Arch Demon by a wide margin and splats onto the ground next to the party as they enter the Alienage

Morrigan: It's raining men
Qwerty: Not another song, please. At least not that song anyway
Shianni: You? The Maker sure gave you the gift of good timing didn't he?
Leliana: That's not the only gift the Maker gave him
Shianni: You mean you? That's sweet... a little arrogant, but sweet
Leliana: That's not what I meant
Shianni (blushing): Oh!
Qwerty: You never did thank us for our help earlier
Shianni: I suppose I didn't...
Leliana: I'm sure we could come up with some way you could express your gratitude
Alistair: Oh come on, there's darkspawn attacking, are we really going to stop so you can have sex?
Morrigan: Alistair, let me explain how this spell works. I reanimate your remains and you become my slave. Not only are you not going to object, you are going to single handedly attack the Darkspawn to keep them busy in the meantime
Alistair: I hate you so much

Another fade to black threesome later... the party find the darkspawn throwing Alistairs bones around. His skull happens to roll next to Qwertys foot. Qwerty picks it up
Qwerty: Alas poor Alice, I knew him well...
Alistair: Oh great, this is what I'm reduced to now? Couldn't it at least have been a Planesecape: Torment reference? Or Murray?
Qwerty: You're right, you don't deserve this
Alistair: I'm glad you finally acknowledge that
Qwerty: You deserve this...
Qwerty punts Alistair's skull into the air, sending it flying into the Arch Demon. The Arch Demon is dazed and crashes into the roof of Fort Drakon
Alistair: Yay! I helped! I did Grey Warden stuff!
The Arch Demon picks up the skull, examines it and swallows it

The party are battling the Darkspawn when suddenly...
Qwerty: Hey what's that? Something popped up on my UI
Leliana: It's to call for help from our allies
Qwerty: Ok let's see, mages and dwarves and... why are the dwarves not coming?
Mage: Because you asked for us first
Qwerty: I can't have both? Why did I go to all the trouble of recruiting all those armies if I can only use one at a time?
Leliana: Some of those armies have some sexy ladies...
Qwerty: We're gonna have one hell of a post battle celebration aren't we?
Shale: Disgusting
A few dozen waves of darkspawn and a general later...
Shianni: You saved many lives here today, thank you. Please take this as a reward
Qwerty: A ring? Sorry but I'm already engaged
Shianni: What? But... we just... you cheated on your wife to be?
Qwerty: Only one of them, the other one was there
Shianni: You Shemlen are strange indeed. Not as bad as my pervy dwarf cousin though
Qwerty: Well I guess we'd better get to the Fort
Leliana: Indeed
Qwerty: I fort that was a good idea
Eamon: Wait! Wait!
Qwerty: What is it? Has something happened?
Eamon: Yes! They just released some new DLC! You MUST buy this! Look, item sets!
Qwerty: Why on Thedas would I buy this?
Eamon: It's DLC... pretty items... shiny!
Qwerty: But these will just appear out of thin air, where's the fun in that? Isn't there a quest to win them as a reward? A beast to kill to loot them from?
Eamon: Don't be silly, why would people pay money to have fun?
Qwerty: Tell me Eamon, do you recognise this?
Eamon: Oh dear... the toolset...
Qwerty: With this I can make my own item sets
Eamon: Yes but they won't be official
Qwerty: I can also kill off otherwise immortal NPCs
Eamon: Ah
Qwerty: Goodbye EAmon
Qwerty uses the toolset to decapitate Eamon. His head goes flying into the sky. Just as the Arch Demon prepares to return to the air, Eamon's head hits it squarely on the head and concusses the Arch Demon

Meanwhile, at the gates...
Gaspode: *bark*
Loghain: I don't understand!
Darkspawn run in
Loghain: What are our orders?
Gaspode: *bark*
Loghain: Damn it, I can't understand you!
Wynne: Oh for... darkspawn are attacking us, what do you THINK he wants us to do?
Loghain: Um...
Wynne: What the hell kind of mastermind war leader general are you?
Loghain: Alright, so maybe Anora really came up with all the plans and let me take credit...
Wynne: But you got your reputation before she was even born!
Loghain: Well Rowan came up with those plans but she talked in her sleep so I... borrowed them
Wynne: Queen Rowan... in her sleep? What are you implying?
Oghren: Oh for sods sake woman, you're as dense as he is! He was rutting her!
Ogre: Look, I don't want to interrupt but, we're here to fight. Could you please just get on with it?
Several waves of darkspawn later...
Zevran: Very good! And now for the celebratory massage...

Qwerty's party arrive at Fort Drakon and surprise surprise, it's full of Darkspawn. From far, far away they hear a loud scream carried by the wind...
Loghain: That is NOT how you give a massage!
Qwerty: This place looks familiar...
Leliana: Well you have been here before
Morrigan: And it looks just like every other building in the game
Qwerty: I'm going to miss this
Leliana: What, battling darkspawn? Criticising DA2?
Qwerty: No, this hurlock. I'm too busy laughing at Loghain it's interfering with my aim. Hey, where'd our army go?
Leliana: They won't come indoors apparently. See, we do criticise Origins a little too, to be fair
Qwerty: Hang on, where's all the darkspawn...?
Leliana: Holy Maker! They're all dead! Is that...

Qwerty: Sandal? Is that you? Did you do all this? How?
Sandal: Oh it's very simply really, I just opened up the console and typed runscript killallhostiles... um... I mean... Enchantment!
Qwerty: What an odd little fellow. Oh well, to the roof!

Leliana: Oh how funny, our armies can get to the roof now. How do they manage that without ever going indoors?
The Arch Demon roars at the party and spits a skull at them. It hits Qwerty and knocks him over
Alistair: Hello again!
Qwerty: Oh for... you're back again?
Alistair: Oh come on, you like me really. You must do. I'm funny!
The Arch Demon spits a ball of flame at them but Morrigan conjures up a wall of ice which melts but absorbs the flames
Qwerty: Cool spell
The Arch Demon roars and sends another fireball, this one blocked by Shale's body
Shale: Just don't expect me to block anything it fires out of the other end!
Qwerty: Elves! Stereotyping demands you all be archers, and probably gay too but we'll not get into that now, although the females among you can see Leliana afterwards, but getting back the stereotypically archeryness of you... shoot that bloody dragon!
Lanaya: I'll have you know some of us are mages instead of archers
Qwerty: Just shoot the damn thing would you?
Lanaya: Fine, fine. And to think I turned down an appearance in Mass Effect 2 DLC for this...

Waves upon waves of darkspawn attack the party and the Dalish as the Arch Demon keeps trying to hit them with fire
Morrigan: We can't keep this up forever!
Shale: Well why doesn't the swamp witch go and stop the dragon itself then?
Morrigan: In my condition? I'm with child!
Alistair: What? I thought you were just fat
Morrigan: What did you... do I really look fat?
Alistair: Well maybe not fat, but definitely chubby
Morrigan (crying): Chubby?!
Alistair: Wow, I can't believe I'm finally winning at this. I'm down to being just a disembodied skull but I finally beat Morrigan!
Leliana: This isn't the time! We need to focus and beat the Arch Demon, we have to use our heads!
Qwerty: Or at least, somebody's head...
Qwerty grabs Alistair and throws his skull at the Arch Demon
Alistair: Oh not agaaaaaaaaiiiiiiin
The Arch Demon is dazed from yet another headshot and Qwerty for some inexplicable reason throws down Maric's perfectly good magical glowy sword and picks up a plain and boring looking sword and charges into the Arch Demon slicing it open
Qwerty: This fight was beginning to drag-on too long!
Qwerty drives the sword into the Arch Demons skull, killing it

Varric: And then it was over. The battle was won, but at what cost? Well, actually there was no cost. The Grey Warden survived and married the Queen and the hot redhead bard. Lucky bastard.

Anora: As a reward and as an engagement present, I offer you a boon of your choice. If you're lucky it won't bug and will actually be acknowledged in the sequel
Qwerty: I'd like to go to Kirkwall and show Hawke how a REAL Champion gets things done!
Anora: Very well, Warden whom I shall continue to call Warden despite being my husband, but first you must complete Awakening and the DLCs
Qwerty: No worries, red-headed fan favourite is guaranteed
Anora: Indeed, and I too shall make an appearance. For now however your adoring public awaits. Plus you can have a last talk with your companions
Qwerty: Loghain, or should I call you "daddy"?
Loghain: Oh hells. I'm not sure what's worse, you marrying my daughter or my being sent to Orlais
Qwerty: Well I have a present for you anyway. I'd like you to carry it with you at all times
Loghain: It's a skull...
Alistair: Oh no... no no! You can't leave me with him!
Fergus: My brother! When I heard you were not only a Grey Warden but also the Hero of Ferelden, the king... bloody hell you've done good.
Qwerty: Fergus? You're alive? What happened to you?
Fergus: Well I... um, I was attacked and injured and taken care of by Chasind and I had... amnesia, yes amnesia that was it. Then I finally recovered, heard it was all over and came to meet you here
Qwerty: Really?
Fergus: In actual fact I fled Ostagar before the battle even began and headed to Denerim's Pearl. I drunkenly stumbled out meaning to go to the Chantry to beg forgiveness and more importantly for healing for my hangover and STDs but sadly in my inebriated condition I tripped and fell down the well. I later woke up with three corpses piled on top of me, I guess even though you didn't do that quest that somebody else did, and so I used them to climb out. I was spotted by Howe's guards, but they bravely ran away. I then began the long walk back to Ostagar to see if the battle was yet won, when I was ambushed by bandits. The bandits were then ambushed by darkspawn and I escaped, certain that my day could not possibly get any worse. I finally made my way to Ostagar only to find it overrun with Darkspawn, so I fled into the Wilds where I was set upon by wolves. I was rescued by an elderly witch who healed me and had her way with me until I regained enough strength to escape. A group of Chasind found me wandering around the Wilds, still recovering from a concussion and the mental horror of playing sex slave to an old witch and they took pity upon me since I'd managed to learn their complicated sign language just by quickly skimming through a book that mentioned them
Qwerty: Must be a family talent
Fergus: They nursed me back into health and decided to sell me back to the witch only to find that she'd vanished, leaving no clue except a great big dragon corpse behind. I then blindfolded myself, hoping that if I couldn't see them then they couldn't see me and I ran away. The Chasind were too busy laughing to give chase. Having stolen some money from the Chasind, I decided to return to the Pearl, only to stumble into Denerim during a celebration in your honour. But I figured I'd try to get away with a less embarrassing version of events only you didn't believe me
Qwerty: Well at least you had fun. Hi Shale
Shale: So it survived after all, of course I shouldn't be surprised since I was there to witness it kill the Arch Demon... perhaps it is not so hopelessly squishy after all
Qwerty: Flesh has some advantages
Shale: Indeed. With all of its sexual conquests it has reminded me of some of the advantages of flesh, and I have decided to become flesh again
Qwerty: You can do that?
Shale: Wynne has offered to accompany me to Tevinter. She says she will blow up all their chantrys until they promise to help me
Wynne: Indeed, it will be quite an adventure.
Qwerty: Well, have fun with that
Leliana: So here we are, the conquering hero has won the day and now he takes his bow and exits the stage. A fine ending
Qwerty: Just as long as the hero gets the girls
Leliana: Of course my love. Who I also hate. Rivalry romance remember
Zevran: Speaking of romance, I wonder have you perhaps considered being bisexual yourself yet?
Qwerty: Persistent aren't you?
Zevran: Indeed I am. But alas I see you are not interested. But the dwarf will soon be too drunk to tell my gender so the night shall not be spent alone
Oghren: The beer is good. Orzammar ale tastes like dirt in comparison. Probably because they put dirt in it. Maybe that's why my mind is so full of dirty thoughts...
Sten: No
Qwerty: Yes
Sten: No
Qwerty: Yes
Sten: Fine, you win. This is a greater victory than defeating the Blight. Treasure it
Qwerty: oh......kay
Sten: I'm going home
Qwerty: Have a nice trip then...
Sten: Where is the cake, they said...
Qwerty: Oh not again

Varric: And they all lived happily ever after

Cassandra: You tell the most wonderful bedtime stories darling
Cassandra leans over and blows out the candle

The End.... for now

[Kyrare]

Bonus "song"
"Sequel"

Spoiler

This is the greatest and best game in the world...’s sequel.

Long time ago me and my friend Alistair here,
we was walking down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden, there shined an Arch Demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:

"Make the best game in the world, or I'll eat your soul."

Well me and Alice, we looked at each other,
and we each said... "Okay."

And we made the first game that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The Best Game in the World, it was The Best Game in the World.

Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
Origins was awesome, even with poor DLC,
It was destiny.
Once every few hundred years or so,
When the Arch-Demon doth come and the fires doth glow
And the Blight doth grow...

Needless to say, the beast was stunned.
Whip-crack went his Whoopy tail,
And the beast was done.
He asked us: "(snort) Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are BioWare."
Rock!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!

This is not The Greatest Game in the World, no.
This is just a sequel.
Couldn't repeat The Greatest Game in the World, no, no.
This is a sequel, oh, to The Greatest Game in the World,
All right! It was The Greatest Game in the World,
All right! It was the best mutha****in' game the greatest game in the world.

And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the game we made on that fateful night it didn't actually play
anything like this game.

This is just a sequel! You gotta believe it!
And I wish you were Origins! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, ****! Good Maker, Maker lovin',
So surprised to find you can't top it.

All right! All right!

[Gingy]

Spoiler

Saw this on the reddit thing.

[Kyrare]

Spoiler

Saw this on the reddit thing.

Easier to read it here

Spoiler

Also

Oh dear...

[sammythethief]

Working on a blood mage build in DA2, since there is no blood mage option in Inquisition >_>

Hawke's got 33 WILL, which is enough to sustain Blood Magic, Rock Armour, and Heroic Aura, but he whines about needing more mana and being exhausted. I'm thinking about popping into the Black Emporium and messing around with reallocating his stats until he stops bitching. I'm at the beginning of Act II (haven't gone to deal with that dumb Arishok yet) and he's a damn tank. He's a force mage, too, so he draws enemies into one spot and then casts Hemorrhage, Fist of the Maker, and Fireball. Then he runs in close and goes for Cone of Cold. Heals when needed with fully upgraded Grave Robber. Aveline is my tank, Isabela is my rogue/LOVER, and Merrill is support. He's wearing Neophytes gear for all dat blood magic boost, and any accessories/staves I could find that enhance his blood magic.

One day I'll run a play on nightmare, probably with this build and maybe a few mods. I wonder if there's a mod that gives me the champion armor with blood magic perks...