Need opinions and tips...

[TheStrangeWeirdo]

Your vampire version is seeming a little over-powered to me, but I guess they'll have their weaknesses and you just haven't revealed them.

Accident: Carriage mishap (perhaps they were on a bridge and the bridge broke, or they fell off the side of a cliff face) maybe?
Boyfriend - out of town (trading maybe), meets the girl while trading.
I don't really see any other problems that you have.

Again, I don't really see any problems. I'm pretty sure they had warehouses to store supplies in medieval times (for winter). If you decide you don't want it if you go with medieval, you could have them in someone's house, or in a castle or something.

[Phenora]

The vampires are not over-powered. Vampires are supposed to be the perfect hunters. How can they be if sunlight burns them, garlic, of all things, can ward them off, and houses not under some mystical protection cannot be gotten into by them? As for their weaknesses: wood and fire as well as a plant called vervain. It has the effect of sunlight to some versions of vampires (burns them). And you have to take into consideration that they are subject to the weakness of emotions.

With the boyfriend deal, doesn't even come close to the big end of them I want. It's too...plain. Besides, in medieval times, they wouldn't be called boyfriends and he wouldnt just meet another girl and simple as that, not want her. Besides, how exactly am I supposed to play him off as the jockish jerk his character is supposed to be if there are no real sports.

The accident, is that supposed to be her parents or her and Axel? If it's her parents, you didn't address the bit about how she came to find out he's a vampire. If it's them, they wouldn't be in a carriage in the first place. Not a private place to talk, someone would hear him say he's a vampire (the driver).

And the names. Natalie and Axel. I am dead set on the modern theme. These names don't fit a time period like the medieval, and I am not going to spend a few more days trying to get good enough names.

[TheStrangeWeirdo]

I wasn't saying that was all there was to the boyfriend deal, just explaining how he met her and why he was out of town.
I know, they'd be called lovers or fiancees.
I don't see why not. Love scandals still happened in medieval times, and if he's going to be the jockish jerk you want him to be, then I could easily imagine him doing just that.
He still has a jerk attitude. Playing sports doesn't mean you're a jock (or being good at sports). It doesn't determine your personality, or make you a jerk. He doesn't have to play sports to have that jockish jerk attitude and personality. He could be heir to a major inheritance (going with the trading bit, his father is a very successful merchant, and they both live extremely well, which is why he's such an arrogant jerk).
I don't see why you think people were so different then. They weren't, really.

The accident is her parents, and I addressed the vampire bit in my next paragraph.
I assumed that, since you were bringing the warehouse bit up, that you didn't see how to fit it into the medieval scene.

I could find some names that might suit them (for the medieval setting) if you'd like.
I do need the country and century the story is set in, however.
Like, Natalia is the original form of Natalie, but it's Italian.

[Raneth]

Phenora, you're set on modern times, right?

I think what you have sounds good, but the scene with her discovering he's a vampire seems a bit contrived. Defending her from attackers is good, but I feel like there may be a better way to go about it than having them both captured randomly, which seems unrealistic. Maybe go for something a bit more common, like a mugging? Axel could get shot/stabbed and shrug it off.

[Phenora]

TheStrangeWeirdo, it's set in a version of America. Twenty-first century. I have names, and I like them. I am not changing them, nor am I changing the time period.

And Raneth, that does sound better then some attempted kidnapping. Of course, I haven't planned, er, mapped everything out yet like I plan to. But that will deffinitely be thrown in.

[TheStrangeWeirdo]

Sorry, I read this:

I do like the idea of a medieval setting, but some of the things I had in mind wouldn't work with that setting. Like, how the cheerleader and football player break up and how she meets the vampire. Though the town being controlled by vampire hunters can work out. I can say they offered their protection in exchange for the leader being mayor or whatever.

And thought that, if the kinks could be worked out, you'd rather medieval rather than modern.

[Bluewyrm]

... I'm so sorry to intrude, and this is such a minor detail, but...

If one in twenty people is a vampire, that's probably at least twenty people at an average sized high school (400 students total) and probably more in the general community. I'd do more like one in five hundred or something. It's those little details that can wreck suspension of disbelief in a heartbeat, no matter how tiny they are. The unusual eye color on the girl is a bit much too. Pale blue the color of cornflowers, yes, violet in any saturation and luster, no. The way you said it was wonderful and poetic and heartbreaking, but change it unless she's got something else unusual magic-wise to go with them.


(Go ahead with the modern day setting, and do it as a short story rather than a novel. Don't pad the story with unneeded detail; let the simpler plot shine for itself and use the fantastic elements to make it interesting. That's my opinion, of course, not law.)

[Phenora]

I had lost the thread...

Anyway, those aren't the official percentages or anything. I came up with numbers on the fly without thinking. There are far fewer vampires then one in twenty, though I'm not about to actually have a percentage set... it would be a bit redundant to try and put a number on a race where some may be hiding in some sort of conclave, underground hidden city, or simply blend in with humans so well.

As for her eye color, consider the fact there are vampires. It is a fantasy story and her eyes could be pink if I wanted it. Also, it is rare, but I do believe it is possible for people to have eyes that are purple, even if it's just very pale. Cornflower blue is just that. Blue. His eyes are blue, hers will not be, no matter what shade.

I know you didn't mean anything by it, but the way you worded that made it sound as if you were trying to say: Change it now, what you have is no good. Before you object to that comment, consider that you said "The way you said it was wonderful and poetic and heartbreaking, but change it unless she's got something else unusual magic-wise to go with them."

I do not appreciate people who do not know anything about my writing style saying I should turn a big idea into a short story, either. Again, I realise it was only a suggestion, but I will also say again, you don't know my writing style. Details are details and can help add to excitement, imagery, feelings, and lots of things that are hard to explain. The way I write, I use detail, sometimes I do go overboard, but I correct it if I need to, not change my whole idea so I avoid the simple problem altogether...

[TheStrangeWeirdo]

Additional detail is a bit boring.
Like, I got really bored with Christopher Paolini's Inheritance, because it was so long and there was too much unnecessary detail. >_>
So you should really watch carefully what you put into your story if that is your writing style.

What I'm trying to say is, if you don't have enough material for a long novel, don't try to turn it into that, or something. >_>
Just my two cents.

[Phenora]

I know not to over do the details, and if I do I always fix it. I try to use just enough detail so what is beng described, be it scene, scent, taste, sight, etc., can be imagined. I might do a little more then necessary and leave it.

But I will not fill a story full of detail just to make it long. I use an actual story line to make it long. The ideas I have for this particular story will not let me make it be a short story. I have it planned, to an extent.

And yes, I said my writing style included detail. Included, not is detailing. Just because I say detail work is part of my style doesn't make it the whole style, which is what you just hinted at...