Realistic Writing

[Mars]

I wrote something I feel like it was appropriate for a professional audience, it's an inaugural address fit to be given by a gay presidential candidate to address social issues, it's set about the 2016 elections and I was wondering if we had any thoughts?
If anyone else feels like posting for me to read, I'd gladly read and critique

"I stand before you today to address not only those in front of me, but also those that came before me, the ones that will be here through all of what is coming and you, the citizens. This campaign has been a long one, with a lot of focus on non-traditional issues because I feel like this is what the nation needs and I am here in service of you all.
There have been a lot of hard times in our history; we have made it through slavery- and all the stress it caused, we have equal rights for all African Americans, and even though it nearly broke us apart we are still a country. We now have equal rights for women, equal pay, it took some time but inevitably it happened.
So then, why is it so different that I come here today asking of you only what this nation has done twice before. I ask that again we rise up as a nation and say that equal rights for all is the right thing to do. I do not ask this lightly, this will be the few real times that the government has initiated any sort of social change- such as the 19th amendment for women’s rights- and it will start with a lot of room for improvement. But it can be done.
Beyond that though, as a nation we are one persons. Each of us represents not only ourselves but our neighbor, even if that neighbor is half way across the nation. When we unite we are on top, there is no question of that but to unite we have to have something that brings us together and as our history shows that is our freedom, if even one person is not a free individual then this will not work because we fail where we should be strongest.
Our nation is in good standing, our economy is out of one of the bigger holes we have ever experienced and we are back on our path to the top. It is during this time that change is imminent; therefore I propose that we begin the changes here and now so that when it is all over we will be again at the top we can look at what we have accomplished, and again be proud of ourselves.
Jobs are opening for everyone, everywhere and those before me made it almost easy how they left it. I do not plan to take credit for what they accomplished, for it was no small feat and I do acknowledge all they did and praise them for that, because through harder times and a lot of unrest they pulled this nation out of the hole it was in and made it what it is now. So I take the reins and lead this beautiful country back to where it belongs among the elite.
All that I ask of you is your support because our government would not be a government without the people to back it. Each of you supporting me voted me into office and now I shall strive to do as I promised but I need the support of you and the rest of congress. If we are to get anything done in this time of peace and prosperity we must do it now or forever hold our peace.
With that I bid you all a good day and to take a toast, not on my behalf but on yours and the success of our nation!"

[Raneth]

Thread is re-open.

[amhranai]

It's very good; you have the perfect tone for this piece! That said, the only thing that I would suggest would be to change the wording in some situations to make it sound a smidge more formal.

For example, changing the following:

"This campaign has been a long one, with a lot of focus on non-traditional issues because I feel like this is what the nation needs and I am here in service of you all."

To something more formal, like:

"Although this campaign was long and unconventional, it has taught me much about the values that this nation holds dear. I stand here to serve each and every citizen, and so I will see your problems as my own no matter what they may be."

It's a little wordier, but it changes the tone in a subtle way. Regardless, I loved your writing and if you think that changing things would take away from the message, by all means ignore me. I'm just tossing my two cents out there

[Mars]

Noo, I like that. I just tried to stress a lot of focus on how *out there* this idea is, and that though it might be a little strange to some, it is something we have to do together. Your edit made that a bit more clear, I appreciate the feedback

[amhranai]

Hey, no problem! It isn't very common to read something so believable and persuasive, and I had fun

Have you ever considered building off of this speech and making a radio play about this presidential candidate? Just a thought... when I was reading the speech I could very vividly imagine it being spoken to a massive crowd. Plays take forever to write, though (I would know; I wrote, directed and composed a musical this year and practically didn't sleep for a month), but it could make an interesting summer project

[Mars]

I actually have an entire play made around it, it was made to stress social acceptance and that just happened to be my favorite part