SHORT STORY LOST AND FOUND! Looking for pointers!

[Tankypooo]

LONG STORY SHORT- I wrote a short story when I was 14- 12 years ago now. I was extremely proud of it at the time, and my peers and mentors at the time expressed how much talent I had- but I read it now and am... in awe at how terrible it is. Then again, we are our own worst critics, so I figured I'd solve an old question: Is it really good, for a 14 year old, or where they just trying to boost my confidence?

“Stop touching those. It’s like. A five dollar pair of socks!”, I yelled at Ezekiel, who was adorning his hands with a pair of pink, polka-dotted socks. I loved those socks.
I walked out of the room.
“Buuuut… They’re soft.”, his reply was weak, and giddy.
“Think I care? I love those socks.”
“Not as much as you love meeeee!”
“ARGGG… Don’t make me come in thar.”
“I dare you.”, his voice changed to a deep, threatening tone.
The pads of my bare feet pushed on the ground as I made my way toward his room. He was putting on all my clothes, and making himself look like a skunk- much like myself. He had painted his white wing black, to match the two large dragon wings on my back. He had two distinct painted stripes going from his face, up over his head, and down to his rump. His face lit up with joy as he saw me walk into the room.
His voice rang, “Some guy called for you. Sickled or something.”
I lit up, and squealed, “Chiclid called!?”

Chiclid was my soul mate. He’s about the same age- physically, anyway –and was traveling for his job at a soda company.
Ezekiel grunted, “Yeh. You two still together?”
“We decided to keep trying...” I replied.
“Really, Zo? After everything??” he pleaded.
“I LOVE HIM.” I demanded.

Chiclid was a good soul- but quite the troublemaker. He drove me to insanity sometimes. But in a good way. I loved the tail he used to taunt me with. It was long, slender, and perfect for playing tug-o-war with. He always won. He had no heart, but wasn’t a machine. He was made by the soda company as a new mascot. The polar bear died or something. His blood is a mixture of kangaroo and boa constrictor or some crap. He mostly resembles a kangaroo- other than the tail which can move in any direction, hold things, and pull things closer to him. There was no bad feature about him. He was always smiling.

I jumped on his bed, and the white cordless phone bounced up. I grabbed it in mid air, and dialed his number. He answered, yawning.

“Yeah, uh.. hello?” with a yawn to finish his sentence.
“HI SHUGA.” I yelled into the mouth piece.
“Ah crap, don’t yell so loud.”
“Sorry…”
“It’s okay. You got my message?”
“Of course!.. I’m calling you, right?..”
“Okay, yeah. I wanted to know if you wanted to go to Boston with me. I have to take a week up there to visit an old friend- he’s sick and bound to die any day now. I want you to meet him.”
“When?”
“This week. I have to go soon.”, his voice sounded dreary. The phone line was quiet for a while. I pondered. I had to work, how could I go away for a week without notice? I have a job. A life. I can’t just bound up and leave with him.. Could I?

“Chic, you know I work. I work every day. They need me at the grocery store. I can’t just pick up and leave. Plus, Ezekiels only source of food is me. I feed him. I get free food for him.. Remember?”, I was a bit annoyed.
“I know, I know. But I was hoping we could go on a retreat together. Spend the week. Show you around Boston.”
“You know I can’t. I can’t, can’t, can’t. I have to work. Maybe in a month or so.”
“All right. I guess I’ll see you in a week then, alright?”
“Wait. Come over, spend the night with me.”
“I’m leaving in an hour, Zor. I’m sorry.”
“Call me then. When you arrive.”
“I’ll try.
… Click. The line went dead. I felt abandoned. I pushed myself to the corner of Ezekiels bed. Clutching onto a pillow. Maybe I could get out of work. Maybe I could go visit this friend of his.


I chose not to. I couldn't leave work, so I decided that staying home was the best bet at this point. He never called me, sent me a letter, or even e-mailed me on his trip. I couldn't sleep at night, wondering if this friend of his was maybe a secret mystery lover I had never met, or known of. I was becoming paranoid, and anxious. But it was Friday, a week ago today he left. I’ll prepare a grand meal for him. We can spend the night together. Watch a couple movies, and eat some ranch style chicken.


He didn't show up. I sat at the end of the table, watching the flicker of the white candle in front of me. I felt oddly depressed. It wasn't like Chiclid to not show up like this, it was quite unnerving. I stood from the wobbly wooden chair, and started to pick up. Ezekiel entered the room.

"I see he was a no show, aye?", his voice was serious for a change.
"Yeah, I guess. I called him this afternoon and it WAS a deal. He said he'd be here. He said he'd be here two hours ago."

I poked at his plate of chicken, and sniffled. Ezekiel was digging through the refrigerator. I knew he was listening to me, I could tell by the way his long bunny easy where perked.

"How bout' I join you, instead?", he spoke.

I thought. I didn't want this night to be ruined, or the food to go to waste. It was also awkward that my roommate, my friend, my straight friend wanted to have dinner with me even though I was taken.

Why not.
"Sure. Best not let the food go to waste.."

He sat down next to me, and began to cut a sliver of the chicken. He took a bite. Judging by the way his expression was, I could tell he liked it. He scooped a bite of mashed potatoes, and smiled. "You sure know how to cook. Too bad your taken.", he chuckled. I sobbed. I didn’t feel taken.

I lightly tapped my feet to the floor, pulled my chair in closer, and sipped a glass of the ice cold milk in front of me.

The rest of the meal was fairly silent, and Ezekiel finished a bit before me, then rolled off to bed with a big hug, and a thanks. I rose, and began to clean. Then the phone rung. I answered sleepily, and Chiclids voice rang in my ear. I interrupted him.
"Where where you?", I spoke.
"I was.. It doesn't matter. Can I come over?"
"No."
"Why?"
"You ditched me. And. And... It's over."

Click. I can't believe I dumped him, I can't believe I hung up on him.
What an unbelievable prick.

I started to cry.

I had fallen asleep on the couch, and Ezekiel woke up early from the sound of the phone ringing nonstop. He came into the living room, and poked at me. I tried to ignore him, by twitching, grunting and pretending to talk when he attempted to wake me. I could hear the patting of his feet- good he's gone. Then a louder, more frequent padding of his feet. Then nothing.

"ACK!", I yelled.

He had jumped on me, "How's this for a wake up call?".. "Speaking of calling. Your lover has been calling off the hook all night."
"He's not my lover anymore."
He tugged my tail.
"Well then. I'll let you sulk into the corner of the couch sommore. Or is that drool I see?"

It was drool. I only cried once, and even when I did, it wasn't for more than a few moments. I was emotionless when it came to him. I didn't quite understand why. I guess, me not crying, means that I obviously didn't care. I went back to sleep.

[Tankypooo]

That short story was inspired by something else I wrote in the spur of the moment-

Stop. Listen to that sound. It’s almost like a heartbeat.
It is a heartbeat.

I suddenly realized that heartbeat was Ezekiels. We had just curled up to watch a flick. The exact flick I called: Saw. The heartbeat I heard was faint. I had fallen asleep on his shoulder, my ear perched in just the right direction to catch the soothing sound of his heart beating- telling me it’s not an artificial life, created for exploit... I hated that. We’d cuddle, and his chest was empty, his fur was ice cold all the time. I could never tuck my feet between his thighs like I do Ezekiels.

Which, I actually find very well written, flows very well, and even immersed me a little. Of course, this blurb is the "1 year later..." of the actual short story.

Let me know what you think! Im thinking of editing/updating it and changing some aspects of the story.. Perhaps change Ezekiel into being Zoreys son and Chiclid being the father?

I dunno!
Let me know what you think!

[Raneth]

Mod note: Since this is original fiction, I've moved it to the parlor for you.