Threat from Below (Keep Story: Work in Progress!)

[SnoCone]

This is my work-in-progress story about my magi, and I would like to have some sort of criticism. I'm hoping to make this my greatest work, but I'm not sure it will be. So, please give your opinion! Thank you!
Characters:

Spoiler

Desiraa
Kira

1

A crisp breeze blew through the Keep, knocking a few scrolls to the floor. An open book's pages fluttered, swiftly flipping from the original page. Tapestries fluttered, their shadows creeping against the already dark floor. Soft footsteps moved up the stairs, entered the hall, and reached the door of a young magi. A few quick raps and the door opened slowly.

"Jasper, what is it? It's the middle of the night!" Desiraa hissed at the younger magi, opening the door wider. "Why are you awake then?" Jasper asked, trying to peek inside.

"That's not the question! Why are you bothering me?" "I need your help with something!"

Desiraa groaned, wanting to slam the door in Jasper's face. "If it's about that stupid scroll, forget it! I'm not leaving my quarters."

Jasper pouted, then gripped Desiraa's arm. "What are you doing? Let go of me!" Something slithered off Desiraa's shoulder and onto Jasper's. He let out a little shriek and the rose imp fell to the floor. Desiraa picked it up and scattered back to her room, slamming the door shut. Another door in the hall opened and an older magi glared out.

"Jasper, go back to your quarters. No one wants to talk to you." she said calmly, watching as he whirled around.

Jasper was about to protest when the door shut on him. He stomped the floor with his boot, then shot back down the stairs. If no one would talk to him, so be it. He would get help with the mysterious scroll later...
~~~

"Good morning, Desiraa! You're out here a bit early."

Desiraa turned to the other magi who was smiling brightly. "Oh, yes. I enjoy being able to sit under this tree in the morning. It's kind of a habit for me." Desiraa watched the water as a small leviathan popped up and splashed water at her. The magi who had greeted her simply smiled and continued her walk.

"Melanie, go play with some of the other hatchlings! I'm just here to supervise you." The small leviathan placed its head on a rock, squeaked lightly, then disappeared into the water. A bird from above dropped a small piece of parchment into Desiraa's lap. Right when she picked it up, the same little annoying voice from the night before called her name.

"Hey, Desiraa! There you are! Hey, what's that?"

Desiraa turned, glaring at the short magi nearby. "It's none of your business, Jasper. You have five seconds to walk away before I rip your head off, and I suggest you do exactly as I say." "Well, you didn't help me last night, so I thought you could help me now."

"What do you want?" Desiraa growled. Jasper frowned, then handed Desiraa his little issue.

"Can you translate this scroll?"

Desiraa tore the scroll from Jasper's hands and read over it, then tossed it back at him. "It's instructions on how to plant a stupid herb!"

"Well what does it say? I can't read that language!"

"It says this: Step one, walk away before I rip you apart. Step two, make sure you move fast. Step three, hide well. Now, go away." Desiraa picked up her new piece of parchment, trying to ignore Jasper.

Jasper took the warning a little more seriously, but not before trying to look at the little scrap of parchment Desiraa was clutching. "Go away, Jasper!"

"But I want to see what that is!"

Desiraa was on her feet now, her hands balling into fists. "I don't like to use force, but I might have to if you don't go away."

"Why do I have to leave?"

"Because I'm busy!"

"No you aren't!"

Desiraa gripped Jasper's robe, walked over to the lake, and tossed him in. He screamed a little before making a big splash, and several kraken swam over to play their silly little game. Jasper screamed as he was tossed around, bouncing off the tentacles of multiple hatchling. "Make them put me down! Desiraa, this isn't funny!"

Sitting back under the tree, Desiraa looked at the parchment. It was piece of a map, torn of with instructions that led to the forest. Why the forest? Desiraa continued to study the map. It lead to a lame drawing of another keep, nestled in the very center of everything. It was so odd, but it had some meaning to it. On the back was a small note. "Find the man in the hollow tree, he will be of some use. T.R"

"T.R? Who has those initials? And why would they send a bird to me?" Desiraa stood, then looked over to see Jasper staggering out of the water. "That was not cool! Don't ever do that again!"

"Your fault you bothered me. I'll see you later, okay? I have work to do."

Jasper stammered a little, groaned, then chased after Desiraa. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"Because you're annoying. I'll help you with the scroll later, okay? Bye now." She slipped up the stairs and into her quarters, unrolling her own map. "T.R...I wonder who that is..."

[SnoCone]

2

A brief knock at the door signaled Desiraa from her seat. Opening it carefully, she revealed her one friend, Kira.

"Hey Kira!" Desiraa smiled at her friend directly outside the the door.

"Hi, Des. Can I come in?"

"Of course you can." Kira stepped inside and was greeted immediately by Jimmy clinging to her leg.

"Are they playing again?"

"Yeah, sorry Kira. Just try to ignore him. So, why did you want to see me?"

Kira sighed, then spoke. "Jasper the loudmouth. He said something about a piece of parchment and being tossed into the lake by you. Apparently a bird dropped it into your lap?" Desiraa picked up the small torn piece of map and handed it to her friend.

"Who the heck is T.R?" Kira asked, frowning at the piece of parchment.

"No idea, but he or she wants me to go on a quest. I need to find some forest keep or something." Kira read the back again, and pointed out the exact words. "Find the man in the hollow tree, he will be of some use. They're asking you to find the guy who lived in the keep, not just the keep itself." Desiraa looked out the window, then turned back.

"Well, they made the details really fuzzy, and if they want me to go and find this guy, they better have a good reason."

A loud squawk diverted both Desiraa and Kira's attention to the window. An alagos was looking at them with beady eyes, then dropped a scrap of parchment before flying away. "Another one?"

Desiraa moved over and picked it up. It was larger than the other, and it only had words. The writing was clean and clear, with more detail than before. "You must be wondering who I am. I will only tell you this: I am a gentleman who lives in Synara City, but travels often and enjoys staying in your keep. I would love to meet with you at some time soon. I shall meet you at midnight at Lake Lakira, where I shall speak with you of your quest. Do not worry, I am not going to harm you. Wear something nice, for it will be a formal meeting. T.R"

"Des? You okay? You look kind of-"

"He wants to meet me." Desiraa stared blankly forward, freaking Kira out a little.

"He? It's a guy?"

"Yes. He called himself a gentleman, and he would like to meet me to discuss my quest. He said it would be a formal meeting, and that I should wear something nice."

Kira frowned more, staring at her friend. "I don't trust him. Do you want me to hide nearby, in case something is to happen?"

"Yes. Wear your black robe and hide in the shadows as best you can. I don't want him to notice you. I'm not sure if I should trust him, but I shall find out soon."

Kira took the parchment, glared at it for a moment, then looked out the window. She pulled in the alagos that had delivered the message, wrote a swift note, then handed it back. "Give it to your master. He will know her answer."

Desiraa looked over at her friend, then watched the alagos leave. "What did you write?" she whispered in pure terror.

"I told him that you would show up, but if he tried to do anything he should think beforehand."

"You threatened him?" Desiraa gasped, looking out the window again to see a small dot on the horizon.

"Of course. He should know that he isn't safe from everything."

Desiraa looked down at her feet, thinking to herself. "Alright. Just remember that you need to stay hidden during it until he does something wrong. Stay as quiet as possible. I'll have some other protection, too."

"Ah, yes, Melanie. She can help quite a bit if you are by the lake. So when are you going to get ready?"

"When everyone is asleep."

"Are you nervous?"

Desiraa smiled and hugged her friend. "Yeah, a little. Wouldn't you be nervous, too?"

"Yep. Okay, so I'll see you later tonight. How about eleven-thirty?" Kira asked, a smile creeping up a little.

"Maybe eleven-fifty, at the bottom of the stairs, alright?"

"Fine with me. I'll probably be there before that. Well, good-bye."

"See you later, Kira."

Desiraa shut the door and took a deep breath. Well, this was a big leap. A very, very big leap.

[Drei Korvik]

It's nice so far. The only thing I want to point out, because it's annoying and confusing, is that you put all your dialogue into chunks. When different people are speaking, break it up. It takes up more space, but it's much easier to follow.

[SnoCone]

It's nice so far. The only thing I want to point out, because it's annoying and confusing, is that you put all your dialogue into chunks. When different people are speaking, break it up. It takes up more space, but it's much easier to follow.

Thank you for pointing it out. I should fix that now...*goes and edits*

[SnoCone]

3

Desiraa moved down the stairs carefully, making only the lightest sounds. She hated the shoes she was wearing, but tried not to complain. Stepping into the night air, she spotted Kira. The black robe fluttered slightly in the breeze, and Kira looked purely demonic.

"I see you were here before me," Desiraa remarked, looking at the robe.

"Yes, I was here before you. I came at the exact time you wanted, if not a little earlier." Kira glaced over at her friend, her eyes hard. "This gentleman is down at the lake. He has been there for a while. Shall we begin our small hike?"

Desiraa seemed to trip on every single pebble, and sometimes even just air. Kira watched her friend, and when they approached the lake, Kira split off, wishing her friend good luck.

Desiraa took a deep breath, then headed towards the figure near the water. He was a tall man with a lean figure. He seemed quite peaceful, and the alagos was perched on his shoulder. It's eyes looked directly at Desiraa, and it squawked loudly. She froze right on the spot as the man shooed the bird away.

He turned and smiled at Desiraa. His face was mostly in shadows from his hood, but he had very boyish features, as far as she could see.

"Good morning, my lady," he said, approaching her. He walked over casually, and Desiraa relaxed.

"I'm surprised you actually did come. Most people don't trust me, and your message back frightened me a bit. So, I should begin with our main topic. About your quest..."

Desiraa looked at him, staying very quiet. He sighed, then spoke. "I have to cancel your quest slightly, but only because of the man you needed to find. He is nowhere close to being in his keep again, so it won't be a very helpful quest for you. I'm sorry for that, and I'm hoping to get you a different one soon."

Desiraa shook her head and finally spoke. "I'm already on two different quests. I really don't need another one, and-" The man cut her off by raising his hand, then spoke quietly.

"All other quests can wait. This is extremely important that you take the ones I give you. Centaurs and mermaids can wait for a while, mine are-"

"How did you know those were my quests?" The man smiled nervously, then looked over at the water.

"It may seem strange, but I have been tracking you. I only do so to make sure that you are not harmed badly. I was sent here by the real T.R to protect you and give you guidance. He was sure that if I was to watch you, nothing would happen."

"You make it sound like you are a stalker. When do you watch me?"

"Whenever you are outside. I am to make sure you aren't hurt when you are outside because it is more likely for that to happen."

Desiraa frowned and turned away. "So you've been watching me this whole time? That's why I've never been attacked, isn't it?"

"The unlucky guy who stands in the shadows is squished by all." he said, still looking at the water, staring at something arriving.

Desiraa turned back and a leviathan broke the water, turning it from calm to sudden chaos. Melanie let out a low hiss when she saw the young man. He staggered back at the sight of her cold eyes, shocked at the sudden rage.

"Mel, no! He's not a bad guy! Stop!" Desiraa kicked off the flimsy shoes she was wearing and ran over to the lake, trying to calm her leviathan.

"Can't you make her stop?!"

Desiraa whipped around to the terrified teen, who continued to back up slowly. "I'm trying to, obviously! Can't you take a hint when something doesn't want you around?"

The whole keep seemed to have woken up now. Someone looked out their window and started laughing. Desiraa spun around a shot an ice spell right at Jasper, who fled from his window immediately to hide.

Turning back, Desiraa only saw a piece of parchment there. Melanie was snapping the direction that the man had fled, so it was obvious she would be in a lot of trouble.

Kira came out and everyone ran from their windows and turned off their lights. "Desiraa-"

"Kira, don't even try to comfort me. I'm going back inside and I'm going to sleep. Goodnight."

Desiraa walked into her room, slammed the door, and dropped down onto her bed. She left her face in the pillow, waiting for it all to go away, when there was a knock at the door. She stood up an opened it, the girl from across the hall standing there.

"I'm sorry about Jasper. I know his manners are very poor, and it was rude of him to do that. I will speak to him tomorrow on your behalf. Just try to get some sleep, Miss Lokten. Hopefully tomorrow will be better."

Desiraa tried to smile at the magi, but had a hard time. "Thank you. I sure hope it will be better. I don't know what came over Melanie, she just.."

"Lost it. It's okay. Sometimes leviathans don't like people. Hopefully next time she won't act like that. Well, goodnight."

"Yes, goodnight." Desiraa closed the door and went back over to her bed. She lay awake for a few hours, then drifted off. Hopefully it would be better.

[PaleoMage]

"The unlucky guy who stands in the shadows is squished by all."

Desiraa turned back and a leviathan broke the water, turning it from calm to sudden chaos. Melanie let out a low hiss when she was the young man.

1. Who said that?
2. Typo alert. I don't think Melanie transformed into the guy.

Anyway, it's interesting so far. Hopefully you'll have better luck getting this noticed than I've had with my story.

[SnoCone]

1.The guy was talking. He's been protecting her so he's always attacked instead of her.
2. Ack! I tried to type 'saw' and it came out as 'was'?! Eep, I'll fix that! Thank you for pointing it out.

[PaleoMage]

Well, it would be more obvious that he was speaking if you re-typed it like this...

"The unlucky guys who stands in the shadows is squished by all," the man said.

Ooookay, I just saw that you already have something like that in there.

[SnoCone]

You put 'guys'. Thank you for helping. I don't reread my stuff.