The Phantom and The Student(Keep Story! ^^)

[FantasmicDragon]

Yay Keep Story!

-Prolouge-

The sun was setting as Thane read a interesting book. A knock echoed in the room, making Thane look up. He sighed and closed the book.

"Now what? He thought irritably, petting his Telvian Panther that was sitting next to his chair, purring.

"Come in." He said, he tried to sound friendly even though he was in an irritable mood. The doors opened to reveal a hooded female who wore black cloth. Her skin was pale, almost like the color of snow. A Raza Cobra hissed at her feet. She glared her companion, making the Cobra fall silent.

"I trust you received my letter?" She asked, her voice was airy, almost lifeless. Thane nodded. She sighed, the Cobra raised it's hood, Thane could tell the design was starting to change from the bright yellow to a bright blue.

"Merely to chat?" He thought, and gestured to one of the seats. She shook her head and approached the desk.

"I'm here on more important business then to merely chat." She said, now her voice was more deadly. The Cobra gave a deadly hiss before receiving another glare from her. She continued on "I found an orphan, she seems to be..." She paused, unsure how to describe her. "...strange." She finally said. Thane lifted his left eyebrow.

"What is this women thinking!? Orphans! In our Keep!" He thought angrily but tried to remain calm.

"An orphan you say? It is unusual to take on orphans in our keep." He started but she shook her head.

"You don't understand! She's different from the other orphans! Look at the picture I have of her!" She hissed, slamming down a picture on the table. He opened it and looked mildly surprised.

"I see..." He whispered. He laid the picture down and looked at the female, who was expecting something.

"Well...Alright, I'll arrange Master Belmos to pick up the orphan. Does she have a name?" He said before asking the female who shook her head. He sighed and looked thoughtful for a few moments.

"I wonder if she gave herself a name..." He whispered. The female crossed her arms before turning to leave.

"Wait!" Thane cried, making the female turn. He nearly got out of his chair, making his panther jump. She was quiet for a few moments.

"Well?" She asked Thane, wondering what he stopped her for.

"I think I know this girl, I think her name is Elizabeth." He said, she nodded before opening the door. The Raza Cobra lifted it's head, hissed at Thane and slid down the stairs. She looked at Thane for a moment before closing the door behind her.

Thane sighed and returned his gaze at the picture.

"The question is...where do I know you from?" He whispered, his Telvian Panther curling up to sleep.
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Any comments? Suggestions? Things you didn't like? Tell me!

[PossessedFae]

So far so good, though I think that you might need to revise through your story and switch out some verbs and adjectives for more interesting ones. You also need to go in and flesh out the history between Thane and Elizabeth a little bit, even if it's just one sentence. I was a little lost when I read that bit. The story also seems a little "dead" to me; despite the fact that Thane and the woman obviously don't really care for each other (nor is the woman pleased with her cobra), it's hard to "feel" what the character's are feeling. We have to think to much about what's going on, hehe.

Other than that, I can't really see anything else wrong. I look forward to the other chapters.

[FantasmicDragon]

So far so good, though I think that you might need to revise through your story and switch out some verbs and adjectives for more interesting ones. You also need to go in and flesh out the history between Thane and Elizabeth a little bit, even if it's just one sentence. I was a little lost when I read that bit. The story also seems a little "dead" to me; despite the fact that Thane and the woman obviously don't really care for each other (nor is the woman pleased with her cobra), it's hard to "feel" what the character's are feeling. We have to think too much about what's going on, hehe.

Other than that, I can't really see anything else wrong. I look forward to the other chapters.

Verbs and adjectives: The death of me But I'll do my best! *glomp-tackles story* ^^

I don't wanna flesh the history, I intend it to keep it a mystery. There is a connection between Elizabeth and Thane, but that is for another chapter much later in the story The women...I have my own ideas on what to do with her (and why she dislikes her Cobra) as she'll be a veery important character in the story. As for now, she is anonymous

[PossessedFae]

Maybe I should've made myself clearer when I said you had to flesh them out. ^^; What I meant is that you needed to give more of the character's thoughts into the story, as well as their emotions. You don't have to give any history -- just a simple sentence that described how the character felt when he saw the picture or the distaste the woman feels towards her cobra would be enough to make them seem more realistic and memorable.

And if you need help with better words, I can give the words I though needed changed a little and maybe some suggestions.

[FantasmicDragon]

Okay! Now I see what you mean. I'm working on the prologue as I'm typing this

[FantasmicDragon]

Yaaay! Chapter One! This takes place a month later after the prologue. Yay for crummy roads and sick magical creatures

-Chapter One-

Elizabeth stared at the water quietly, crowded by others waiting to see stream eggs. She had settled nicely underneath a shady spot close to the water. Against the dark soil and dark leaves, she stood out with her snow-pale skin. However, others were not noticing her as they were too focused on The Stream.

"Why am I here anyway? I'm merely an orphan."She thought. She had been orphaned all of her life, now she was thrown in this strange new reality but at least she was away from that awful orphanage. She scratched her head, feeling a tad sick at remembering the place.

"At least I'm not there" She muttered darkly when she heard a cry, it sounded female but she couldn't tell who said it or what it said. She looked up to see eggs floating down the stream. Many were gossiping, she saw some grab an egg. She looked into the waters, the eggs seemed to be pale, as if they were not there. Maybe it was because she wasn't meant for them or they were not for her? She tore her confused gaze off the stream for a moment to see some of the new students leaving The Stream to stand with Master Belmos. She sighed.

"I'm not special at all, I'm just an orphan and I'll die an orphan." She thought darkly, a tear dropped from her eye. She blinked it away before seeing someone approach her. She shifted slightly, her hazel eyes wide with fear.

"Who is this person!?"She thought, feeling a bad vibe from him. She grabbed her gray cloak and pulled it closer to her right leg before she saw a black haired boy sit next to her. She wasn't sure if he noticed her or not. Almost in a flash, he grabbed an egg; A tail and webbed wing she saw poking out of the egg. She shuddered as the boy left.

"I haven't gotten an egg yet...Maybe I should just stick my hand in and grab whatever seems good" She thought and stuck her hand in. She felt the stream's current sliding through her fingers when she felt something touch her open palm, something soft and smooth. It felt natural as if it was meant to be in the water. She grabbed it and lifted the thing out of the water. It was an egg; a soft brown egg, with two protrusions that looked like a beak and a tail.

"Huh?" She whispered and stood up. The others seemed surprised to see her appear as if they didn't notice she was there. She looked across from her to find an empty space. She tilted her head to the side, confused. Wasn't there a man there? She sighed and returned with the group.

"Well, atleast I have an egg. And a new life on that note." She muttered to herself as she followed the group up to The Keep.

Meanwhile, as Elizabeth walked up with the group, the man left his shaded spot and grinned to himself. All was going to plan...
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Ooh! Mystery Man! Like it? Hate it? Any advice you wanna give me? Please post! I love to hear all of your thoughts!

[PossessedFae]

This is a great improvement on your attention to details.

However, this chunk confuses me:

"At least I'm not there" She muttered darkly when she heard a cry. She looked up to see eggs floating down the stream. Many were gossiping, she saw some grab an egg. She looked into the waters, the eggs seemed to be pale, as if they were not there.

Blue text: Where did the cry come from? Who uttered it? This seems a little random since it isn't explained anywhere.
Red text: This also seems a little random, and it maybe needs a little more added to it. I can understand it in regards to the title of your story (well, sort of). It just seems a little out of place.

[FantasmicDragon]

This is a great improvement on your attention to details.

However, this chunk confuses me:

"At least I'm not there" She muttered darkly when she heard a cry. She looked up to see eggs floating down the stream. Many were gossiping, she saw some grab an egg. She looked into the waters, the eggs seemed to be pale, as if they were not there.

Blue text: Where did the cry come from? Who uttered it? This seems a little random since it isn't explained anywhere.
Red text: This also seems a little random, and it maybe needs a little more added to it. I can understand it in regards to the title of your story (well, sort of). It just seems a little out of place.

Blue Text: It's random, someone just yelled it. One of the students exclaimed that there were eggs coming down the stream which means that nobody really knows. Isn't it everyday that new students yell out eggs are coming? xD
Red Text: I see. I'll see what I can add

[FantasmicDragon]

Yay for Chapter two!

-Chapter Two-

"Why did you wait so long to get an egg?" Her new roommate Samantha asked. Elizabeth glared at her roommate before looking around. It was a nice room, two poster beds stood next to a wide window. The window was wide enough for the beds to be right on the side. There were two desks next to the beds and above the desks was a holder, to hold eggs. Although sparse, it was the best way to make up the space.

"Because I was waiting for the right one. After a while I decided that It was best just to dive my hand in and get an egg and I got this one." Elizabeth growled, grabbing her bag. She stopped for a minute and looked at it. Was it her bag? She felt the smooth cloth and nodded. This was her bag. She gently placed her new egg in it and swung the strap round her shoulder. She looked at her roommate, she wasn't expecting to make friends with her,

"Well, your egg is a different breed of Koi Fish. It is a hybrid between the Koi Fish we know and a platypus."

"Yea right" Elizabeth thought bitterly as Samantha said this crossly, holding her Pearl Wyrm egg. It was a pale brown color and it shimmered in the light. Elizabeth raised her eyebrow and turned away to brush the fur of her egg. She felt the tail shudder and drew her hand away.

"What the hell was that!?" Her mind screeched in panic. She backed away as Samantha looked at her quizzically and anger

"What the hell was that for?!" Samantha said angrily and stormed out of the room. Elizabeth suppressed a laugh and watched her roommate leave. She walked over to the window and stared outside for a few moments before hearing a swish noise. She turned sharply to see a paper on the ground. She walked over to it, curious.

"What is this? Maybe Samantha?" She wondered and picked up the paper. She tilted her head to the side as she read the contents.

To Elizabeth
I do hope you enjoy your stay but do not trust your roommate
Signed P

[FantasmicDragon]

NOTE: Chapter two is up for those who want to read it.